Tuesday, January 31, 2006
My New Year's Resolution
It was actually to not put things off.
But no matter, I have a new one! (And its only a month late, so technically the previous one still stands).
My SINGLE, SOLITARY new years rezzie is to be more confident.
Yes, in case you're wondering, this IS still me and no one's hacked into my account.
I mean, me wanting to be MORE confident is like a polar bear wanting to be whiter.....isn't it?
Things aren't all they're cranked up to be, you know.
At the end of the day, a polar bear is only white because its transparent hairs reflect light.
And at the end of the day, if I really think about it, I only appear confident because it bounces off my pride.
Pride, Confidence and Dignity are three big ass terms that are thrown around and usually seen as interchangeable.
Wrong again, my friend.
Of these three, Pride is the biggest liar.
The difference, you ask?
You see, you can have a lot of pride, and with pride, comes fake confidence. It's like this veneer, like those false walls that are put up to show the world you ARE happy with yourself, goddamnit! That fake confidence only stands because diffidence is seen as a negative quality and god forbid your pride let you be seen as weak. Inferior. Spineless.
I think that would be the best description of me that I've EVER written in my life. The fact is, that I'm loud and proud to be loud, and all that jazz.....but......
The only reason I look so confident and allow myself to believe that I am is because of my pride. The deadly sin that I redefined.
But if I was SOO damn pleased with myself, I wouldn't be so obsessed with......everything.
My non-weight problem. The results that I was SURE would sour. The fact that whoever it was I was talking to just now has a bad opinion of me and will never want to EVER be my friend again. My second guessing of every single scenario, conversation, whatever, that I've had, replaying, pausing, editing and then setting it happily back on the shelf.
The one good side to all of this is it has made me a planner. Because I keep replaying incidents in my rather dysfunctional mind, I can plot moves, strategies and damage control very easily.
The downside is it makes me a worrier. Someone who's constantly afraid of saying the wrong thing, appearing the LEAST bit incompetent, unintelligent or incapable. Someone who, when she loses something or someone or ANYTHING, blames herself first and foremost.
I am going to LEARN to stop doing that. Because at the end of the day, my friend...
The great difference between Pride and Confidence is the ability to look at yourself in the mirror, and truly ADORE whatever it is you see.
Sweetheart, don't let anyone tell you you can't fool all the people all the time. If you're good enough, you can lie to everyone in the WHOLE world and they'll never know. You can fool everyone, even the best shrinks and psychologists, if you're good enough. But you will NEVER be able to fool you. And trust me, I've tried.
"The reward for conformism is that everyone likes you but you."
Queen Sana at 12:48 AM
