Sunday, April 30, 2006
I Should Have Said Yes.......

NOOO, IT'S NOT WHAT YOU'RE THINKING!!!!

And I KNOW what you was thinkin!

Perverted freakos.

Anyway :)

Now, before I write all thats in my cliche-filled, under-used heart, I wanna make two things clear.

1) I love my piano. I LOVE my piano, it is one of my most prized posessions that never fails to fill me with joy, even if I DO bang down on her and kick her when Melancholy isn't going well. I am the ONLY person who can do this, and I HATE it when anyone tries to take too many liberties with my piano, because she is MINE.

2) I don't HATE kids. In fact, a surprisingly HIGH number of them seem to like me. At times though, it never fails to astound me how incredibly dim they can all be. Not just for liking me, but for the sheer NUMBER of dimblewit things they DO. It's incredible! But I have been told that I'm very good with kids, and that they look up to me.

Hard as it is to believe, I am ACTUALLY going to start with my story now. You can leave if you want to. A finger in the air will follow, but you never know, it COULD be a thumbs up!!!!! *pained smile*

Anyway, a couple of nights ago, we invited over a big group of family friends for dinner. The collective total of kids (and by kid I mean anyone younger than me whom I can look down upon....oh wait. That disincludes one of them who's taller than me at 12. Stupid cow) was four. P, E, Em and A. Let's leave A out, he's an adorable, darling little angel child.

Now, one thing you have to understand right here is that P really, really loves me. And lets face it, I really like this kid as well. She's 9, and it really flatters me that not only does she want to spend as much time with me as possible, she's also trying to be as much like me as she can.

For all who are holdin their nasty sides laffin that some kid would actually WANT to be like Sana, you are WELCOME to join the unintelligibles who just left. And stuff you while you're at it.

Let me profile P a little more for you. She's a typical 9 year old, except that she's really, really bright, and this gives her a typically-9-year-old sense of entitlement. She is also extremely posessive of me (she yells at her mother when she talks to me), and is in constant need of validation from me, esPECIALLY when we're around other kids, that SHE is my favourite, SHE is my protege, SHE is the one getting my attention.

Despite the fact that my self confidence is at its highest around her, I HAVE to admit it gets annoying. She is SO clingy and SO dependent and has even started to dress like me. It is a TAD bit kreepy. And lets face it, there is a REASON I wasn't friendly and well-liked at 9. I JUST WASN'T LIKABLE. I alienated people because I was scared they'd hurt me, instead revelling in the fact that I did well in school. I appeared arrogant and snobby. I pretended I didn't care what ANYONE thought.

Exactly what she's doing. People make fun of her at school because she's Indian.

Child psychology is such. When you want to get close to someone, ANY kind of contact is all but REQUIRED. ANY kind of contact. Pulling, hitting, poking, prodding, tickling, grabbing, it is just vital. It was so during the dinner party, and ANYONE who knows me knows I'm cuddly, but good GOD I require space. I LOVE hugs, kisses and all of that, but I hate it when people monopolize my time or space with no respect for it.

P, E and Em play the piano, and after MUCH warning, I let them play. After the hour or so they spent banging my beloved child, I was.....to put it gently.....a tad miffed. I moved to close the piano, and P, seeing this and wanting to get close to me, pulled my hand away and the piano lid came crashing down, narrowly missing her fingers.

I. SAW. RED.

With a strangled cry, I opened it again to make sure there were no chips or anything (the piano had a small dent already, from when they movers mucked it up, so I was REALLY annoyed. P actually worsened the dent and made the paint chip off the last time she came here), and that was when she uttered it.

"I think my FINGERS are more important than the piano!!!"

Now, my PRIMAL thought, after the flash of rage, was "Who the hell does this hissy little unrepentant miniature think she is?! NO, YOU JUVENILE, MY PIANO IS MORE IMPORTANT BECAUSE I SAY IT'S MORE IMPORTANT!!!!!!!!!" Course I didn't say that. I just thought it.

And then I noticed her staring at me. That look in her eyes...that look of sadness, at my refusal to admit that yes, for god's sake child, of course your fingers are more important, and I'm sorry the mean old piano lid hurt them and I hope they're all better.

I should have said yes.

She was looking for reassurance, and I just couldn't give it to her. A moment of idiot selfishness, but I hurt a young child who looked up to me no end.

I don't think I have wounded her. I don't know if she's forgotten it already. All I know is I had a chance to get this girls' self esteem piqued, her confidence up, her spirits risen......and I just didn't.

How can I claim to be a role model, how can I even step into that role, when I'm clearly still a child myself?

It still angers me when people show no respect for things that mean a lot to me, it still frustrates me when I lose in a game, it still hurts my pride when someone taunts me about failing at anything....

I am no better than her.

Why does she even look up to me?


Queen Sana at 10:29 PM
4 comments


Saturday, April 29, 2006
Karma, Oh, She IS a true b!@#$!!!

ONLY FOR LOVE (and since I am still in denial, I shall add "or infatuation, or crushing, or foolishness!") would a normally INTELLIGENT person like myself, download a STUPID song from a STUPID website KNOWING FULL WELL it was probably wired because it HAPPENED to be the song darling LoverBoy sang for some crappy event...

And download a gay virus onto her BRAND NEW LAPTOP.

DOWN WITH LOVE, DOWN WITH LOVE!!!!!!!!!

Therefore, my new love is Norton Antivirus. Please, please, you annoying yellow popup, PLEASE don't begrudge me for never updating my subscription and cursing at you when you interrupted my games and for telling Microsoft to go to hell when Media Player didn't work and I blamed you......if though wouldst forgive me all these....well, you might just be the Jesus Christ of Computer Software.

I shall never again mock the colour yellow and I shall rejoice when you ask me for the 16th time to update my subscription.

JUST PLEASE GET RID OF THAT BLOODY VIRUS BEFORE IT EATS UP MY FRICKIN HARD DRIVE!!!!!!!!!


Queen Sana at 12:12 PM
3 comments


Tuesday, April 25, 2006
These Things I'll Never Say...

...and have never said before. I hold things in too much and overthink every damn situation. I have never been implosive, but under the comfortable guise of not being rash and not regretting my actions and blah blah blah, there have been almost too many things I wish I'd said...but didn't.

- I can help you.

- If you held me, it would help.

- I'm sorry.

- It's my fault.

- I was desperate.

- I didn't mean it.

- You hurt me.

- If I could tear into you now, I would. Maybe then you'd get the idea.

- I wish you could understand me.

- I'd give anything for you to see yourself through my eyes....then you'd understand why I'm so proud of you.

- What I said was out of line.

- I can do it!!!!

- Thank you.

- Seeing you around her makes me want to physically hurt you both.

- Don't. You. Dare.

- I have nothing to learn from you, but you have everything to learn from me.

- Shut up, goddamnit!

- Say no to animal sex (OK, so this one's a lie, just wanted to make sure you were still with me!)

- You disgust me.

- I wish I could be like you.

- I act the way I do because I'm jealous.

- I understand every bit of your pain....I just want you to explain it to me so you'll learn.

- I know more than you.

- You're an idiot and I want you to know that I KNOW IT.

- You're being an ass and no one's fooled.

- Being around you makes me happy enough to break into ridiculous song.

- I will never, ever forgive you.

- Please don't hate me for the bad side, you haven't see the good in me.

- I wish you'd just shut up and let me think.

- How do you feel about me?

- The way you laugh drives me wild.

- I never did really forgive you.

- I'm over it, but I want you to suffer the way you made me.

- I can wait.

- You aren't important right now.

- Stop being so effing childish. (a TAD rich coming from me, but I actually HAVE thought it!)

- I wish everything you felt for her.....was everything you felt for me.

- I KNOW that if I held you right now, I could remove half your pain....I wish you'd let me.

- I want to be the one that made you smile.

- I AM worth it goddamnit.

- Don't you ever, ever say ANYTHING like that again. (At times, to the mirror)

- You think you're a lot greater than you actually are.

- You will never really know me.

- Bo Bice has woman hair (but then Siti would have sat on me, so yeah...)

- I know you want so badly for me to trust you...but I just can't.

I JUST CAN'T.


Queen Sana at 5:10 PM
5 comments


Sunday, April 23, 2006
Who Was It That Died, Again?!

Well, I decided I was being too depressed and morbid for awhile :P

To my girls, I LOVE YOU, POWER TO US and WORSHIP ME! :)

To my guys, you know I love you too. Some of you just suck :) Please don't hate me!

Annnd, here we go. I'd NEVER show this to anyone I wanted to respect the wonder that is me, but since most of y'all already don't, I figure, heck, why not :P

It's immature, b**chy and angsty, but I like it!

Down with love! I say it now,
Down with love, that wretched cow,
Love turns woman into bimbo,
Love leaves everyone in limbo.

Down with candy, down with flowers,
Down with all the wasted hours,
Waiting by the telephone,
For some pathetic little drone,

To grace the lady with a call,
Which loserboy won't make at all,
Down with waiting, down with men,
The world'd be better without them.

Down with chocolate, down with roses,
Down with bimbos striking poses,
Trying to catch the wandering eye,
Of, I kid you not, some GUY.

Fear not though, she has a plan!
Which eliminates need for a man,
Let's kill them all, and start today!
After which, of course, we'll all go gay.

After all, females are truly best,
And really, we deserve no less,
All the men can stinkin' rot,
Oh wait, we killed them - I forgot.

What. A girl can fantasize!!!
This girl is pissed, she tells no lies,
But we NEED those stupid little clowns,
Wasting resources, bringing us down.

At the end of it all, we DO need men,
At least, to create more of them,
ONCE in a while, out pops a GIRL!
AND WHAT A BLESSING TO THE WORLD!

With us, is true hope after all,
So females, let's respond the call,
And make the biggest sacrifice:
Keep your men, but on thin ice.

Because, you see, they;re not that bright,
Without us, there's no guiding light,
They may fathom little about us,
But they'd kill each other off, without us.

For after all, God made them first,
"Damn," he said, "one of my worst!
I guess it's not bad for a start,
MY NEXT WILL BE A WORK OF ART!"

And yes, I wrote it. And no, I DON'T hate all of mankind. I just missed Jester. :( Who's Jester, you ask?

Idiot. You obviously can't read.

I'm just in one of THOSE moods today, aren't I? :p LOVE ME STILL!


Queen Sana at 5:53 PM
2 comments


Tuesday, April 18, 2006
I Bet He Told You He Loved You.....

Apparently, a girl walked into the hospital today.



Pregnant.



Born in 1991.



I don't know. Apparently, people in the hospital were shellshocked. I was surprised. I mean, somehow, in my mind, I guess I'd grown accustomed to knowledge like this.



13 year olds in bars? So, what's new?



17 year olds living with people they met yesterday? Nyeeah, arright...



15 year olds pregnant? Hah, nothing.



Nothing?! WHAT?! I dunno....maybe what hit it so close to home was the fact that she's younger than me. I mean, most people who make choices like this are older, aren't they? They're smart enough to make their OWN choices, aren't they? They KNOW what they're doing, don't they? Don't they?!



At 16, I wouldn't. At 15, how would she??



This girl is a baby...she should be watching Brokeback Mountain and giggling about how hot Jake Gyllenhaal is. She should be planning for her School Certificate. She should be having fights with her best friend over the guy that they both like.



Not walking into a hospital, alone, a school dropout.....with a child growing inside of her.



She probably only HIT puberty like, three years ago, for chrissake!!!!!



I don't know who it was who got her knocked up. I don't know if he loved her, or if she was his own personal joke.



The former, I can't ask you to do the responsible thing because you're little more than a child yourself....



The latter, I hope you burn in hell.



She was a baby, you bastard, she was a baby........



Queen Sana at 4:59 PM
0 comments


Thursday, April 13, 2006
Realization #248164

First off, thanks to LYN for correcting,reupdating, and in general, de-screwing my BLOG! LYN, YOU ROCK (go check her out: our-equation.blogspot.com and lala307.cjb.net)!!!

Now, I KNOW the comments section doesn;t QUITE work yet, but this is an important post, so if you still want to comment, do so on the tagboard or for chrissake, I see all of you online. I think its important to talk about stuff that makes you think because every time you do, your mind opens us just that little bit more and the world takes a step closer to understanding its labyrinthe of secrets.

Too deep? Too deep.

Anyway, while I was whining and mooning about latest love (love, khah!) interest, who shall for all purposes of my pride, be dubbed Jester (if Josh and Chester had a child together, THIS GUY WOULD BE IT). I realize this sounds horribly retarded and wish I could come up with a cooler name like Romeo or Casanova, but heck, to each his own!

If today is a day that ends in "day" and the sky is still blue, I have pride issues to say the least. Basically, he'll never know that I liked him, that I ever DID like him, that I would ever be CAPABLE of liking him. Since my tragic encounter with whatsisface 2 years ago, I don't think I shall EVER let my pride get hurt that way, ever again. Its a risk I'm just not prepared to take.

Long and short of it is, this guy is sweet and funny and (if you're feeling squeamish, I BEG you to just keep reading, I DO eventually stop worshipping the ground he walks on and get to the point) a really nice guy. While I was despairing over my inflated ego's inability to let go, I came to a realiZATION! (AND HERE IT COMES, FINALLY, YAY!)

Nice guys really do finish last, don't they? (Anticlimactic, we know. It gets better!)

I mean, guys like Jester are more often than not, not seen. Quite simply, they are usually restricted to the buddy zone, and are often placed in little boxes, like those pretty ornaments that make you smile, but that you will never put in your rosewood cabinet in the hall because they're not quite pretty enough.

Its the so-called Elite who usually have the girls after em, isn't it? I mean, honestly. The guys in my class ALONE who have the most girls after them, the Nathans, Brendans, Aidans, Isitjustmeordoalltheirnamesendinans, are the first names people guessed when they found out I liked someone.

They didn't guess Jester until the very end. I lied, as usual.

I wondered why, and realized something. Another great, great buddy of mine, lets call him R, is one of the most decent guys in the world, who treats all his female friends like royalty, and as for that one girl he treasures, he tells us, and we believe him, that he WILL love her for(mush)ever.

You know who you are.

Why IS it the nice guys that finish last? The ones that become best friends but never quite go all the way? The ones that girls go to when they need to cry but not often for much else? Hell, the ones they go to when they need ENTERTAINMENT, but not for real commitment?

At the end if the day, it's these guys that care, the ones that are funny, the ones that are smart, talented, friendly and make you feel great about yourself.

Females are true b$%^&*s sometimes.

The way I see it, nice guys don't finish last.

I know it seems like that a LOT of the time, but what they never realize is quite simply, that the other guys never even cross the finish line.



Queen Sana at 7:56 PM
0 comments


Saturday, April 08, 2006
SQUEE, SHE DID SOMETHING NEW!!!

And here we GOOOO!!! Thats right, thats right! ALL Y'ALL WHO SAID I COULDN'T DO IT, who said I had the COMPUTING SKILLS OF A DEAD SQUIRREL, who said I was COMPLETELY USELESS, who said SO YOU CAN BALANCE A BALANCE SHEET, BUT CAN YOU DO THIS?!
I did it :)
I reupdated the site's layout.
All by meself!!!
Well...given, the skin's from BlogSkins and I had to go through it a couple of times....
But I couldn't be prouder!!!!
Go Sana, Go Sana, GO!!!!
Now COMMENT you freaks! :) Right colour?


Queen Sana at 10:05 PM
0 comments


Monday, April 03, 2006
Judgement Day

I look out of the window and what I see disgusts me.
Let me describe her. She's about 28 years old with longish blonde hair, loose around her shoulders, is wearing a tank top and a pretty skirt. Pretty normal. So what the hell is Sana's problem?
The two things that she happens to be carrying.
A cigarette, which is sad........
.............And a baby, which is even sadder.
This female is heavily pregnant and she's smoking.
I will honestly admit it. I don't appreciate smoking, and when I find out someone smokes, they fall slightly in my estimation. Especially when that person is a woman because generally, we have lower smoking rates than the men and I consider that victory slightly tainted every time I see another woman succumbing to the ever-popular cancer stick.
Don't get me wrong though, you can do whatever the hell you like with YOUR life. You probably already know that your insides look like charcoal, that your alveoli are slowly disintegrating, that you are paralyzing your cilia.
But did you know that your child could be born dead?
Crippled?
Mentally retarded?
Did you not think of that before you lit up?!
I mean, GO AHEAD, screw up your own health!!!!! But you have a responsibility to this CHILD. That kid didn't ASK you to bring it into the world, for God's sake!!
I don't know if you're callous and selfish or just stupid.
For your sake, female, I HOPE it's the latter, because if not, you would represent the very epitome of the worst aspects of human attitude; absolute disregard for human life.
Yes, I'm judging. Look me in the eye and tell me you wouldn't.


Queen Sana at 10:08 PM
3 comments