Sunday, December 30, 2007
All Is Right With The World, Tonight.
Dear Celestial Entity,
I say Celestial Entity because given my extreme state of confusion and spiritual dryness at this point in time (despite everything...probably my biggest indicator I was in trouble) I am unable to say, "Lord" or "God".
Anyway, the PURPOSE of this entry is to hand out some much needed holy props for all that you've taught me this year. I'd like to say thanks a lot, and also kindly request that if I forget any of these vital lessons, that you send me a much needed kick in the proverbial rear.
So over the past year, I've learned that:
- Working hard doesn't always equal success, but success is NOT the only positive outcome. How much effort you put into something and all the challenges and problems you face along the way can't be quantified by a number, a ranking or a mark.
- It's the smallest things that forcefully attract you to someone and keep you hooked for so long: the way he smiles, the way he says, "yeah thanks" without pausing in between, the fact that he's just a bit too cocky and sure of himself...and losing sight of those little things, actual physical sight of them, is what'll get you over it.
- It's OK for chubby people to wear dresses, so long as they're mirackulous and fantasstic enough to pull it off.
- There is no excuse for crude and blatant promotion of one's own feminine assets, except when one is composing a superbly awesome list.
- Spiritual progress cannot be quanitifed by how high up a person is on the church's hierarchy.
- Judging people by your own standards will only result in you being disappointed. Not because they're not good enough, but because the only person that fits your standards exactly is you.
- The best "I Told You So" moments come, not from the downfall of an enemy, but the success of a friend.
- Taking the high road always pays off: that way, when the mean spirited jerk who's been badmouthing you ALL YEAR admits that he actually respects you, it's all the more satisfying knowing how angelic and tolerant and awesome you look in comparison.
- The length of time someone is in your life has no connection to the richness they give it.
- Thin girls can pull off absolutely anything, and fat girls are only super confident because they have to be. At the end of the day, being thin and wanting to gain weight and vice versa are two sides of the same body dysmorphic coin.
- Friendships that survive distance can survive absolutely any and everything. The ones that don't were there to sprinkle fairy dust on your life and then leave you, with only the fairy dust left to remind you of how blessed you were by it.
- It's OKAY to cheat on your crappy diet once in awhile, especially if it's just with juice and some cashews. You're not going to lose 2 kilos LESS because you cheat once. This especially applies when your brownie-and-chocolate-worshiping sibling comes into town and you ignore the delicious home cooked food in favour of your cardboardy diet shake.
- Change is relative...it doesn't need to be big to be different.
- We somehow expect our parents to relinquish their human traits when they have us. It's therefore just not RIGHT for them to be petty or childish or self-preservatory or moody or pissy. For God's sake, they're just US, but a bit older.
- Online lists tend to grow and grow and grow...especially when you're a mildly self centered narcissist who talks way too much.
Love all of you and hope you have an awesome '08.
I know I will.
I say Celestial Entity because given my extreme state of confusion and spiritual dryness at this point in time (despite everything...probably my biggest indicator I was in trouble) I am unable to say, "Lord" or "God".
Anyway, the PURPOSE of this entry is to hand out some much needed holy props for all that you've taught me this year. I'd like to say thanks a lot, and also kindly request that if I forget any of these vital lessons, that you send me a much needed kick in the proverbial rear.
So over the past year, I've learned that:
- Working hard doesn't always equal success, but success is NOT the only positive outcome. How much effort you put into something and all the challenges and problems you face along the way can't be quantified by a number, a ranking or a mark.
- It's the smallest things that forcefully attract you to someone and keep you hooked for so long: the way he smiles, the way he says, "yeah thanks" without pausing in between, the fact that he's just a bit too cocky and sure of himself...and losing sight of those little things, actual physical sight of them, is what'll get you over it.
- It's OK for chubby people to wear dresses, so long as they're mirackulous and fantasstic enough to pull it off.
- There is no excuse for crude and blatant promotion of one's own feminine assets, except when one is composing a superbly awesome list.
- Spiritual progress cannot be quanitifed by how high up a person is on the church's hierarchy.
- Judging people by your own standards will only result in you being disappointed. Not because they're not good enough, but because the only person that fits your standards exactly is you.
- The best "I Told You So" moments come, not from the downfall of an enemy, but the success of a friend.
- Taking the high road always pays off: that way, when the mean spirited jerk who's been badmouthing you ALL YEAR admits that he actually respects you, it's all the more satisfying knowing how angelic and tolerant and awesome you look in comparison.
- The length of time someone is in your life has no connection to the richness they give it.
- Thin girls can pull off absolutely anything, and fat girls are only super confident because they have to be. At the end of the day, being thin and wanting to gain weight and vice versa are two sides of the same body dysmorphic coin.
- Friendships that survive distance can survive absolutely any and everything. The ones that don't were there to sprinkle fairy dust on your life and then leave you, with only the fairy dust left to remind you of how blessed you were by it.
- It's OKAY to cheat on your crappy diet once in awhile, especially if it's just with juice and some cashews. You're not going to lose 2 kilos LESS because you cheat once. This especially applies when your brownie-and-chocolate-worshiping sibling comes into town and you ignore the delicious home cooked food in favour of your cardboardy diet shake.
- Change is relative...it doesn't need to be big to be different.
- We somehow expect our parents to relinquish their human traits when they have us. It's therefore just not RIGHT for them to be petty or childish or self-preservatory or moody or pissy. For God's sake, they're just US, but a bit older.
- Online lists tend to grow and grow and grow...especially when you're a mildly self centered narcissist who talks way too much.
Love all of you and hope you have an awesome '08.
I know I will.
Friday, December 21, 2007
So, Would I Be Out Of Line.....If I Said I Miss You?
I know that it was a fantabulous opportunity for you.
And I'm so happy you took it....what are best friends for, right?
I don't know why it was at that moment that I gave up.
After everything we went through together, being so very close....literally being able to cry on each other's shoulders when bad things happened. Oh, I remember....me with the fight with Jas, me with my problems with my mom and my weight....and you with your guy problems, the debate that I was at, watching you do so well then have it bite you, and the jackass that kept following you.
After shedding NO tears at the prospect of me leaving...and then both of us parting, you sobbing in the car (your mom told me) and me sitting in the bathroom for half an hour doing the same thing. After the beautiful jewellery and the handbag and the photos. After being there on the day Thatha died and after having a tearful photo taken with my grandma, who loved you so much. After you couldn't even come to the airport to see me off because you thought it'd hurt too much.
How did we manage to lose each other, my dearest friend?
How did we manage to not stay in touch?
I tried....I honestly did....but much as I love you, you were always lousy at keeping in touch. In person, when I could always see you, you were always there for me and I was always there for you. I guess it helped, living so close and going to the same tuitions and the same school and having our own little dumb rituals (popiah, Milo, walking home) that kept us together through the two years we weren't in the same class and later, not even the same school.
I guess it just hit me now that.....while it would have been brilliant to keep in touch, we're just not the sort of friends that can survive distance like that. I think we NEEDED those dumb little rituals and those shared problems to remind us of why we loved each other so much.
And without them.....emails and messages and facebook wall posts just lost their meaning, somehow. I think you needed to see my face when I said them, and actually read INTO it in order to really understand....as did I.
And I have to say I miss you.....so very much, and I'm so proud of the way things have worked out for you. And I know that had you been physically close to me during these hellish exams, you would have been EVERY ASPECT of the support system that I needed: the affirmer, the straight talker, the food provider, the encourager, the brutally honest advisor, the sugar coater, the spirit builder, the faith booster, the everything.
Anyway.
I guess that's a chapter, a beautiful chapter, in both our lives. I am so thankful to have had you in my life....past tense because let's face it, neither of us holds quite the place in each others' lives as we used to.
I guess all I really want to say is, Happy Birthday....
And I'm so happy you took it....what are best friends for, right?
I don't know why it was at that moment that I gave up.
After everything we went through together, being so very close....literally being able to cry on each other's shoulders when bad things happened. Oh, I remember....me with the fight with Jas, me with my problems with my mom and my weight....and you with your guy problems, the debate that I was at, watching you do so well then have it bite you, and the jackass that kept following you.
After shedding NO tears at the prospect of me leaving...and then both of us parting, you sobbing in the car (your mom told me) and me sitting in the bathroom for half an hour doing the same thing. After the beautiful jewellery and the handbag and the photos. After being there on the day Thatha died and after having a tearful photo taken with my grandma, who loved you so much. After you couldn't even come to the airport to see me off because you thought it'd hurt too much.
How did we manage to lose each other, my dearest friend?
How did we manage to not stay in touch?
I tried....I honestly did....but much as I love you, you were always lousy at keeping in touch. In person, when I could always see you, you were always there for me and I was always there for you. I guess it helped, living so close and going to the same tuitions and the same school and having our own little dumb rituals (popiah, Milo, walking home) that kept us together through the two years we weren't in the same class and later, not even the same school.
I guess it just hit me now that.....while it would have been brilliant to keep in touch, we're just not the sort of friends that can survive distance like that. I think we NEEDED those dumb little rituals and those shared problems to remind us of why we loved each other so much.
And without them.....emails and messages and facebook wall posts just lost their meaning, somehow. I think you needed to see my face when I said them, and actually read INTO it in order to really understand....as did I.
And I have to say I miss you.....so very much, and I'm so proud of the way things have worked out for you. And I know that had you been physically close to me during these hellish exams, you would have been EVERY ASPECT of the support system that I needed: the affirmer, the straight talker, the food provider, the encourager, the brutally honest advisor, the sugar coater, the spirit builder, the faith booster, the everything.
Anyway.
I guess that's a chapter, a beautiful chapter, in both our lives. I am so thankful to have had you in my life....past tense because let's face it, neither of us holds quite the place in each others' lives as we used to.
I guess all I really want to say is, Happy Birthday....
Monday, December 17, 2007
Dry Spell!
I don't have much to say.My results come out in two days and then, I promise, I'll have plenty to talk about.
For better or for worse....
Monday, December 10, 2007
Delta
I wonder what it is that makes people change, and I take great offense when people say things like, "Oh em, like, GEE! I totalllly hate like.....fake people."
Excuse me?
I honestly believe that there's a fake part of all of us. I sat down recently and had the ritual Serious Self Talk where I sit in front of the mirror and actually address myself.
Shut up, I'm lonely.
But anyway.....I love being the person I am, this person's kept me happy for the last 17 years.
But it's not really 17 years, is it?
It's little blocks of years, and then we change. It's like we're tired of what we've become and then swap selves. Like phone covers.
While no one has yet dared to call me fake, I can understand why you'd think so.....I mean, look at yourself, why don't you. You've probably undergone lots of changes as well. Meek people that swear more, wallflowers that burst into confidence, scholars turned druggies, class clowns turned serious students....it happens.
All the time, and when you think about it, NO ONE is living his original life. We've all undergone so many changes involving so many different stimuli that NO ONE can really claim to be the same person they started out.
I don't like change very much. And I say this on the cusp of a life-altering period for me: another 2 months and I'll officially be a university student.
WTF BIATCHEZ!!!
It scares me that I'll start to change and become someone unrecognizable.....someone who could be judged as fake.
One of the biggest compliments people from back home have paid me is that I haven't changed at all. I'm holding on to that as tightly as I can, because the prospect of becoming a different person really freaks me out.
I realize this is INCOHERENT, but I'll leave you with this thought:
Inside every fake person is a real person who was told that they weren't good enough.
Excuse me?
I honestly believe that there's a fake part of all of us. I sat down recently and had the ritual Serious Self Talk where I sit in front of the mirror and actually address myself.
Shut up, I'm lonely.
But anyway.....I love being the person I am, this person's kept me happy for the last 17 years.
But it's not really 17 years, is it?
It's little blocks of years, and then we change. It's like we're tired of what we've become and then swap selves. Like phone covers.
While no one has yet dared to call me fake, I can understand why you'd think so.....I mean, look at yourself, why don't you. You've probably undergone lots of changes as well. Meek people that swear more, wallflowers that burst into confidence, scholars turned druggies, class clowns turned serious students....it happens.
All the time, and when you think about it, NO ONE is living his original life. We've all undergone so many changes involving so many different stimuli that NO ONE can really claim to be the same person they started out.
I don't like change very much. And I say this on the cusp of a life-altering period for me: another 2 months and I'll officially be a university student.
WTF BIATCHEZ!!!
It scares me that I'll start to change and become someone unrecognizable.....someone who could be judged as fake.
One of the biggest compliments people from back home have paid me is that I haven't changed at all. I'm holding on to that as tightly as I can, because the prospect of becoming a different person really freaks me out.
I realize this is INCOHERENT, but I'll leave you with this thought:
Inside every fake person is a real person who was told that they weren't good enough.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Insectae: It Does Be A Bug's Life
I am a FLY: you'd be willing to tolerate me near you if I didn't buzz in your ear constantly.
I am a SPIDER: I can spin a web of deceit that looks so pretty and delicate until you fly into it and realize you're done for.
I am a LADYBUG: the only indications that I'm ACTUALLY female are the prettyful colours I sport.
I am a COCKROACH: I WILL squeeze into the tiniest corner, leaving you to choke on the clouds of poison you spray at me.
I am a CRICKET: I can't shut the hell up and I always seem to be in the kitchen.
I am an ANT: I am tiny, but NEVER underestimate my ability to decimate your fruitcake.
I am a BEE: I may LOOK fluffy and soft, but I'd rather die than have you hurt me first.
I am a SPIDER: I can spin a web of deceit that looks so pretty and delicate until you fly into it and realize you're done for.
I am a LADYBUG: the only indications that I'm ACTUALLY female are the prettyful colours I sport.
I am a COCKROACH: I WILL squeeze into the tiniest corner, leaving you to choke on the clouds of poison you spray at me.
I am a CRICKET: I can't shut the hell up and I always seem to be in the kitchen.
I am an ANT: I am tiny, but NEVER underestimate my ability to decimate your fruitcake.
I am a BEE: I may LOOK fluffy and soft, but I'd rather die than have you hurt me first.