Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Perspective

How big a problem looks to you depends on your perspective.

I just had two people I know, dealing with the EXACT same problem, just with slightly different features and trimmings....

Who responded to it in two completely different ways.

So, X:

Thank you for that....I am so proud of you, and the fact that you've taken yourself into such stride. You're looking after yourself and your OWN interests and while you'd never let anyone DOWN, you're NOT letting yourself get walked on anymore.

You're standing up and fighting for what you want, and when you decide something's bad for you, you cut it loose and move on. I'm so thankful to have someone like you, someone who changed a lot, but you kicked that change right in the ass and BECAME the change: you dictated the terms.

And Y:

I'm not disappointed in you, and the fact that you thought I WOULD be almost hurts. I wish I didn't have to find out from someone else....the knowledge of you trying to deal with this all on your own...while I'd be THRILLED if I thought you were genuinely trying to work out your own problems....just remember that I'd never judge you and I never have.

I don't know if I coulda actually help you out of this....but you've ALSO taught me a great deal about change....that letting people, or places, or situations mould you and your mind and your intentions can completely remove control from your hands.


I love you both so much, and I'm so glad to have you both in my life.


Queen Sana at 4:32 PM
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Sunday, March 18, 2007
Masks II

She couldn't believe it. She'd started throwing up blood again, and it was THEN that she realized that she probably wasn't going to get better this time. How would she tell the kids? How would she tell their father? No...no...no...she had to be strong for them. She'd tell them sometime...just not now, it was her youngest's big recital today.....

.....and then she walked out the door, and put on her mask. "Sweetie, come ON! I've got your costume, now get in the CAR, the others are waiting!!!"

He stuck his legs out and pulled his hat down. He did NOT want her to know he was there, but damn it, somehow, she ALWAYS managed to find him. He wondered how long it would take for her to get the message. He knew what a goddamn coward he was being by trying to force her to hate him like this, but what could he do? He'd loved her at first, but TWO YEARS of this? She'd deceived him completely and then gone on suicide rampages, threatening to kill herself every time he broached the breakup. Neither of them was happy, at ALL....

.....and then she got on the bus, and he put on his mask. "Hey, honey, how was your day? I'm sorry, my back hurts today and so I really don't want to move it...could you maybe sit at the back, instead? And oh, I'm so sorry, I can't make it tonight either...something came up."

She was exhilarated. She knew she couldn't ever get in now, even if they bribed: thank GOD for this university's honest reputation. She wished she didn't have to resort to this....them and their ridiclously high expectations. Goddamnit, she didn't even WANT this course!!!!! But NO, apparently what she wanted to do didn't matter, did it? But now they'd be FORCED to listen to her.

.....and then she picked up the phone, and put on her mask. "Mom! The interview was wonderful. I answered all their questions off bat...no problems! I should, god willing, have NO problems getting in, at all!! I know...yeah?..Yeah!...Thanks for everything, mom."

He raised his hand. What a mechanical gesture this had become. He realized that he was, in effect, spitting all over a sacred process, something he used to do freely with full feeling. He used to love being in this church....love being a part of God, a part of something bigger than us all. But since...since the incident....he could NOT believe in this God anymore. He was bitter and enraged that a god who claimed to LOVE his people could let...could let something like that happen...she was only 9, for god's sake!!! He couldn't tell anyone HERE how he felt....sanctimonious fakes, all of them. And now HE'D become one.

.....and then the bridge of the song played, and he put on his mask. "Lord, I give you my heart, YES LORD.....because you are all I need."


Queen Sana at 1:38 PM
1 comments


Sunday, March 11, 2007
Fly Ninja!!!

She grasped the handle of the coffee mug firmly.

She was GOING IN.

Slowly, she crept off her perch and made her way ever so slowly, in fluffy-footed slippers, to the kitchen.

Almost as soon as her foot hit enemy territory, she knew it was all over.

ABORT, ABORT, ABORT!!

It was then that a light seemed to go on in her head. EVERYTHING was happening in slow motion. The seconds ticked by as she dove INTO the monstrous, carnivorous cloud and reached for the can......

And reaching HIGH INTO THE AIR, she sprayed her final moments.......

*WHIIIIIIIIIIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ*

As she felt the energy drain from her body, she realized slowly that the cloud was dissipating, dissipating, dissipating.......

(ever notice how when you say that word more than twice, it stops sounding like a real word?)

She'd won!!!!!! She'd won!! Oh yes, oh yes!!!


Aaaaaaaand then she realized that she was standing there like an idiot breathing in toxic deadly fumes from the bug killer, so she grabbed the first thing she could find: a slightly fugly shirt her mom wore to work earlier.

Mm, J'Adore! I LOVE mommy!!!!!

And then, she realized her fatal error: her study room.

Bounding like an agile antelope (ok, a slightly overweight agile antelope), she covered the few yards in...shut up. It wasn't THAT long.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

HER MATHS! HER PRECIOUS MATHS! SHE COULD NEVER TOUCH IT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!

FLIES!!! ON HER BOOKS! ON HER WORK!! ON EXERCISE 5E!!!!!!!!!

This time, though, she was ready for them: She grabbed the fly killer still in her hand and depressed the nozzle ONE FINAL TIME.......

*WHIIIIIIIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ*

And she stood watching, giggling maniacally as the flies dropped, one by one, and left was she, the LAST ONE STANDING.

For flies, there were many....

But there would EVER only be ONE.......



FLY NINJA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Queen Sana at 5:54 AM
2 comments


Saturday, March 10, 2007
This Could Be You......

Ok, you fool, listen up!!!! THIS COULD BE YOU:


Dear Sana,

Hey, your younger self called and told me you needed some guidance, so here I am. Listen to me, OK? No matter WHAT you decide now, you WILL become a doctor, but ONLY if you want it enough. Apparently, you did, because here I am! And let me tell you, it's NOT as glamourous as it looks.

Addison Montgomery-Shepard is NO indication of what real doctors look like. The so-called Hot Fro? IT'S THINNING. You're doing your usual "I'M FAT, I'M FAT!" thing, but you don't have time to care: you've got 1 miniYou already! I know, 1 miniYou in 10 years, NOT that impressive, but considering you only got married two and a half years ago (And NO, he WASN'T off Shaadi.com), you're not doin' that badly (considering the current bun in the oven and all) ;)

I love what I'm doing though, and it's brought the ENTIRE family so much closer, hasn't it? I mean, mom and dad and Shama and Deepa would love and accept you no matter WHAT you did, but the fact that you WANTED Med and GOT Med filled them with such pride....and now you can discuss your cases with all of them!

Now, remember this: I NEVER looked back on any decision you made. You MADE a decision, and I stuck by it and wore it with PRIDE.

And speaking of which, I just passed my latest board exams :) Thanks so much for not dropping the ball, Sana, because right now? I'm exactly where I want to be, and I couldn't be happier if I tried.


OR THIS COULD BE YOU:

Hey, kid!

So here's the deal, apparently you want to know what to do now? Whatever you do, DON'T repeat what you did with me. I know, I know, freaking out, immersing yourself in self-doubt and letting it eat at you is TYPICALLY something we'd do.....but I'm here to tell you not to.

No matter how wonderful Chem Eng is and how much I love it now, I can't help but wonder, you know. You never really wanted to be a Chemical Engineer, did you? No....you had such dreams in your heart with your Med career.

I will never forget that look in your eyes when you found you missed it by like, a point.

We know, it was ridiculously unfair, but did you ever wonder WHY you missed it? AND NO, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO. It WASN'T because you messed up that Physics task, it WASN'T because you dropped Eco and not Math 4, and it WASN'T because you weren't good enough!!!

It's because you did EXACTLY what Mr. Varela (your Maths teacher, idiot, did you REALLY think I'd forget?) told you not to do: You wondered. You forgot to trust yourself. You dropped the ball.

You did. And I'm not blaming you, I'm happy. I've got the wonderful hubby, I've got the wonderful kids....but let's face facts here, whenever Shama and Deepa come over and talk about their wonderful patients....

I still wonder what would have happened if you'd just kept your head.



Now, you know what? You don't HAVE to be a doctor, Sana. You don't, not if that's not what you want. But at this point in your life, it is.

Don't drop the ball. MAKE the damn decision and no matter what, the consequences are of your making, so your control freak nature is satisfied either way. If at the end of the day you don't get Med, it was because God didn't will it. NOT because you got a stupid single bad mark in a stupid single bad test. And for God's sake, talk to God about it. He REALLY does miss hearing from you, you know....and you've tried everything else. Has it worked?

Well, has it?

Everytime you start wondering whether you made the right decision and start to do that thing you ALWAYS do and freak the hell out and make yourself sick and be a loserific whineface and give up and NOT STUDY....

I want you to read this and remember that you made the right decision. Do you know why?

Because YOU made it.


Queen Sana at 9:12 AM
2 comments


Monday, March 05, 2007
Mars, Listen The Hell Up

Dear Testosterone Wielding, Emotionally Retarded, Sensitivity Zero But Can't Figure Out Why All The Girls Are Pissed At Him Guy,

This is to all of you, because, let's face it. No matter how wonderful or decent or sweet you are, you ALL follow the same damn prototype: you WILL ferry back and forth between prospectives without realizing the effect you have on them, you WILL keep returning to the scene of the crime and keep TALKING about it when all we want to do is heal, you WILL keep asking what's wrong and if we're mad when clearly, we are, and you WILL keep thinking that we're PMSy bitchfaces for BEING angry at you for your hideous mixed signals and misinterpretations.

Well, no more.

I'm not PMSy, boy, do you know what my problem is? It's YOU. It's the fact that I KNOW what a great guy you are, but for some reason, you can't seem to get one thing: we ARE wired differently from you. Now, you could throw that right back in our faces and say, "WELL, YOU could make the effort to understand US better, now couldn't you?". You know why you can't? Because when you're a girl, it starts being real immediately. Not when you say you "love" us, not when you say "it's for real now", not when YOU say bloody anything. It becomes real for us the SECOND we know each other's basest intentions, and here's why: we actually WANT commitment. We know how many of you are commitment phobes, that's why we specially created Skanks for you.

But here's the thing: most of us aren't like that. Please don't assume that if you've been hurt by ONE of us, you'll be hurt by all of us, because that's just plain stupidity. Drop the act, we KNOW you're not Sensitive and New Age. We KNOW you're honest to GOD just manbitching for the sake of it, because again, being guys, you bounce back a LOT faster than we do. Don't use one bad experience as an excuse to hate or mistreat or hurt us all, because that's just you being a jackass.

And as for the mixed signals? No! No! No! Just DON'T! If you're confused yourself, treat us NORMALLY or don't TALK to us at all!!! Learn to LIE a little or cover up your confusion! Honesty isn't ALWAYS the best policy, because no girl likes being told that she's been thought about, processed and found wanting, and then JUST as she's trying to get over it, being told that he's thinking it over AGAIN and *may* change his mind. YOUR confusion adds to OUR confusion and just ends up being this huge mass of uncertainty, and NO one likes that. Being rejected is fine! Being told we're not the right one is fine! BEING LEFT IN THE LURCH? THAT sucks. THAT we can't get over. THAT we can't stomach because you're NOT letting us move on!

Get it straight, we HAVE to coexist and we CAN make this happy, fun, enjoyable and meaningful for BOTH of us. But you have to realize one thing: We're the child bearers, we're the monthly bleeders, we're the kid raisers, and in more than 50 per cent of households, we're at least semi-bread winners. Clearly, we're NOT as sensitive and wussfaced as "BEING A GIRL" connotes.

So is it REALLY asking all that much to be a little CLEAR with what you ACTUALLY WANT?

Authors' Note: Author writes this post on behalf of a close friend, and on behalf of any girl who's been left wondering. Author ALSO has lots of wonderful guy friends, some of whom have been GENUINELY hurt as well. This post is an angry generalization because I seem to be seeing a LOT of this now. And Fool, here's that post you always wanted :) I didn't mention your name, but if I wrote TWO POSTS on ONE DAY, you KNOW you've gotta be special ;)


Queen Sana at 9:28 PM
1 comments



Bah, Aku Join!!

Ok, Ches, you're on!!!! So here we go, here are the RULES!!

"Those who get tagged must post 6 weird things about themselves in their blog and state the rules clearly. At the end of the post, you must choose 6 other people to tag."

And if ANY of you tears out your hair or has to scrub your brains, it's SO not my fault.

1) I have this irrational fear of wet floors. Even if it's just been washed, I will STILL not walk on it because I think it's squicky and disgusting. I used to play a game with myself as a kid, and jump from bathmat to bathmat in the bathroom because I COULDN'T step on the floor.

2) I tend to speak really loudly around people who've never met me because I am paranoid that they'll think I have an Indian accent. I love being Indian, but even I mock our accent :D I speak extra loud and often am at my FUNNIEST so they can see that I'm a crisply Canadian accented comic genius, and not a mockable country hick.

3) I rock back and forth and side to side on chairs. I have this inability to sit still in class, and particularly when I'm paying close attention, I rock or I rotate. I think it's some weird nervous habit.

4) If chocolate has more than one layer, I will ALWAYS eat it layer by layer. Ferreros, Kitkats, Rafaellos, they ALL get eaten one layer at a time. First, I bite off the hazelnut chocolatey layer, then I eat that crispy wafery thing, then lastly the ball of soft chocolate. Same thing applies for Kitkats. I also don't understand how people can just bite through the whole thing.

5) I used to go up to people I didn't know and tell them I liked cheese. Or pie. Or their noses. God, I was a freak.

6) I have this constant fear that my kids will be dumb. I'm KNOW that's a horrible thing to say. I don't know if I could handle it if they were mediocre at school or didn't love books.

Ok, now aside from that LAST one which was genuinely almost sad, the rest are entirely light hearted :D

All are true, so how about Lyn, Josh, Jana, Izzah, Fel and Nikki give it a try??


Queen Sana at 4:28 PM
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