Monday, January 23, 2006
Your Very Own Personal Doormat
Sometimes, I just hate the world and all the shallow, stupid, useless people in it.
People who are so very willing to take something from you, simply because you offer it, without seeing how much it means to you.
That would be where I come in.
You see, Sana can't blame you, you know why?
Because Sana's learned to stop showing how much it hurts.
Sana learned, a long time ago, that its OK to let people step on you on their way to the top.
Sana was taught that its OK to wave at them from down below and continue plugging along up, when you KNOW that its you and you alone who got them there in the first place. Waiting, climbling and whistling a happy tune while you climb, waiting for the opportunity to let someone ELSE step on you.
Sana was taught that at the end of it, if YOUR motives where pure, you're the better person.
But you know what?
Sometimes being the better person really sucks.
It means that you have to stand by and watch someone take credit for something YOU could duplicate but they could never, simply because it wasn't theirs to begin with.
It means that while standing there, you have to be supportive, and caring, and be their own personal cheerleader.
It means that when they ask you if you're OK, you DON'T say "OH, OF COURSE, GENIUS!!!! THAT'S MINE, YOU HEAR? MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE!!!!!", instead going, "Hahaha, don't be silly. This is YOUR glory!! You worked hard for it."
I actually AM OK with it though.
Usually, I am capable and mature enough to see past 15 seconds of fame and realize that the friendship I built, that the fact that they could actually come to me when they needed me and confess that they needed the help but wanted the glory, required me to swallow my pride and paste on a smile.
And thanks to my parents, who care about everyone's feelings but their own, I've learnt to make that smile genuine, and really not MIND doing stuff for people with no one knowing about it but me.
But sometimes it just kicks you in the stomach that so much you've done is just a waste. That at the end of it all, you've spent your time building an impressive resume for everyone.
Everyone but you.
Ever find that sometimes that side of you that focuses on you just wants to cry and take back everything? Write letters to everyone who offered praise and tell them to direct all their future compliments to you, please?
Everyone, EVERYONE quotes the "No Man Is An Island" BS without ever realizing one thing.
That at our very basic core, so many of us just want more and more and more. And that at the end of the day, the world's gonna fail and if ALL your investment is in everyone else, WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU?
What happens to you?
I'm going to be fine, don't worry. This is just one of my incredibly selfish and stupid moments when I just feel like ultimate crap.
The world isn't fair. But if SOMEONE has to stand in the middle of all that crap, then I care about you too much to let it be you.
Queen Sana at 7:57 PM
