Saturday, February 25, 2006
Bigger Eyes than Me
I just wrote a poem.
A not so great poem.
But I LIKE it!!!!!!! First one since the depressing one about war :)
I'm cheering up, there is hope for me yet! :D
I’ve seen the storm descending, I’ve seen the sinking ship,
I’ve seen the starving beggar with the baby on her hip.
When all the problems of the world, blind my eyes so I can’t see,
Its some real comfort knowing God has bigger eyes than me.
I’ve seen the widows crying, their husbands killed at war,
I’ve seen hell heaped upon their heads, and then a little more,
When all hell has broken loose, and out pours calamity,
God, Oh, God, I’m thankful, you have bigger eyes than me.
I’ve seen the children hunger, Lord, while crying salty tears,
I’ve seen no parents come to them, to shoo away their fears,
When all the world comes crashing down, when misery breaks free,
I sleep better at night coz you have bigger eyes than me.
I saw the waves approaching, God, I saw the tempests rise,
I saw the smaller picture Lord, as pain obscured my eyes.
When the human limit has been reached, I fall down on my knees,
I’ve seen the starving beggar with the baby on her hip.
When all the problems of the world, blind my eyes so I can’t see,
Its some real comfort knowing God has bigger eyes than me.
I’ve seen the widows crying, their husbands killed at war,
I’ve seen hell heaped upon their heads, and then a little more,
When all hell has broken loose, and out pours calamity,
God, Oh, God, I’m thankful, you have bigger eyes than me.
I’ve seen the children hunger, Lord, while crying salty tears,
I’ve seen no parents come to them, to shoo away their fears,
When all the world comes crashing down, when misery breaks free,
I sleep better at night coz you have bigger eyes than me.
I saw the waves approaching, God, I saw the tempests rise,
I saw the smaller picture Lord, as pain obscured my eyes.
When the human limit has been reached, I fall down on my knees,
And utter a prayer of thanks that thou hast bigger eyes than me.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
What Really Matters
I've learnt a surprising LOT in the past week. Given the situations, I'm pretty proud of me, actually :) But here's what I learned. And yes, I expect you to care. And no, I didn't just mutter "skew you" under my breath. Shut up and read.
Friendship vs. Glory
At the end of the day, people ARE gonna walk over you. Remember that you HAVE to be a doormat once in a while. The secret to be a happy individual, in my opinion, is learning who to let walk over you.
Recently, I posted, in GREAT angst, about how a friend was being pretty damn insensitive and taking some stuff for granted.
Then I took a step back and realized how much I love this girl and how I've known her for half my life. I'm not throwing away 7 years of such solid friendship for my name in lights. Brunei's not the end of the road for me, man, I'm going to have an opportunity to shine SOMETIME. But god smile upon me should I stumble across a friend as devoted and wonderful as her.
Face Value or Depth
This chick I know....she pisses me off. As in, REALLY irritates the hell outta me. Whenever I see her, its the whole feeling that you just want to kind of quietly step away. And its not just me, most people who've also met her feel the exact same way.
But then I remembered how people probably used to feel that way about ME once upon a time, and how much it hurt. Sure, you can go all self righteous and shite and go, "OH, but she'll learn to be less annoying". Don't kid yourself. You KNOW that when you learn something the hard way, there's a bitter taste left in your mouth. A horrible, nasty feeling that dulls with time but doesn't actually QUITE go away.
I also realized that this girl is really very sweet and tries way too hard. I remember, also, what it was like to be so insecure I'd have set myself on fire if I thought it'd make you laugh or make you like me more. I remember acting in much the same way until people reached out (thanks guys, you've done more for me than I'll ever be able to articulate) and informed me that being me was just fine.
Doing The Right Thing vs. Doing What Everyone Else Is Doing
Oh hell, I'll admit it. I kinda got half skewed here and tried to do it both ways. The right thing is so often uncomfortable, not always the easiest thing to do, and often, will cost you face, popularity or a laugh from....well, that special someone, lets just say.
But the fact is, and I KNOW I've said this a BILLION times........looking at yourself in the mirror is so much easier when you see yourself as a clear-cut figure in the crowd, and not just a big huddle of people all thinking the same damn thing.
Its like a huge group of people all dressed in black. You can either dress in black too, to fit in, but then you lose sight of who YOU really are. You can also dress in bright pink, green, orange or blue.....it's different, sure, and you'll immediately feel awkward. But you'll be able to identify YOUR OWN SELF. And at the end of the day, no one's fun if they're all the same.
If you try to do it both ways, you'll end up confusing yourself, feeling AND looking like a hypocrite. I raise my hand.
But I've reformed.
Meaaahaaaaahhhaaaa, I'M BETTER THAN YOU!!
Ok. I'm done. Really, this time.
Friday, February 17, 2006
HOLY FLYING CRAP!!!!!!!!
And the visas are HERE.
Which means that today, Friday the 17th, 2006..........
MARKS MY LAST WEEK HERE!
OH MY SAMBAR FILLED GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SO MUCH TO DO, SO MANY PEOPLE TO SEE, SO MUCH TO PACK!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Ok. I am calm. I'm cool, I'm fine.....
But god, its actually here. The week I've KNOWN for the last six months would come....
My last month in the country that raised me.
Depression starts right about..............now.
Which means that today, Friday the 17th, 2006..........
MARKS MY LAST WEEK HERE!
OH MY SAMBAR FILLED GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SO MUCH TO DO, SO MANY PEOPLE TO SEE, SO MUCH TO PACK!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Ok. I am calm. I'm cool, I'm fine.....
But god, its actually here. The week I've KNOWN for the last six months would come....
My last month in the country that raised me.
Depression starts right about..............now.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Slut
You shouldn't even know what that word, means, should ya?
I mean, look at you....what are you, 11, 12 maybe?
But tonight is gonna be so great.....so you put on your tight spaghetti with plunging decolletage, you bought it specially for that feature......and your denim mini skirt, you're SURE it'll attract the kind of attention you want....
You slowly start painting your face now....your current complexion will never do, so out comes the foundation and powder that they showed you how to use to make yourself prettier. Your lips don't look full and sexy, not at all....but you can fix that, you have your very own lipstick. You're a big girl, and big girls have their own characteristic shade of lipstick that you now possess: a shade only known as whore red.
You have high heels. Damnit, they hurt....but they'll have to do. No matter that you had to buy two sizes bigger because they didn't stock small enough sizes....kiddie sizes they said. You fumed while they laughed. You'd show them.
......INTERMISSION.......
You go to school the next day. The way you partied and danced and even drank, no one would think you had anything but a good time. They looked at you a bit strangely first, but then welcomed you in. You puked it all up, had a massive headache and you couldn't concentrate at ALL in school....no matter, you hated it. You were flunking every class so YOU didn't care.
And then you see him.
He was kind of the only guy you ever liked.......the one who'd never notice you. The one who seemed perfect in every way, the embodiment of everything you'd never be. His ideal girl, too, was so far above your head.
He's the reason, isn't he?
He's the reason you try so hard. Because you don't think he'll ever want you. Because once, a long time ago, he made fun of you. Since you heard the word "slut" roll off his tongue, nothing mattered to you anymore.
It didn't matter that friends you'd known for ages had been calling you that behind your back, what you didn't know couldn't hurt you.
It didn't matter that every time you looked in the mirror, you couldn't recognize who you saw.
It didn't matter that everything you heard about you was negative.
It didn't even matter that some random girl you didn't know, barely three years older than you, maybe less, was blogging about you.
I'm not judging you, babe. I don't even think you know me.
I certainly don't know YOU. I don't know if your dad ignored you as a kid, or if you had someone tell you you weren't worth it, or if there really is some guy out there who couldn't return what you felt for him....or even if you just want to be a slut.
But I DO know one thing.....no one is worth losing yourself. I don't know you. But I have this feeling, since I heard about you, that you did.
I heard that you go to secret places where you think no one will see you and smoke with guys fourteen years older....I heard that you call these guys your friends but that you know what they really want.
I'm sorry to sound so condescending. I don't really mean to. But I do wish that there was someone who could talk to you, to stop you from screwing up your future. If there was one thing I could say to you, I'd tell you to go back to school, lose those loser friends who bring you down, talk to someone and stop worrying about him.
Because darlin, he aint worth it.
Monday, February 13, 2006
Chocolate Covered Raisins
Yesterday was my last ever performance in this country, and it ROCKED SOCKS.
But as for the scary part.........now, before I say this I would like to inform you that this isn' t something I usually do, blab on about my uninteresting daily life. But this is something I felt kind of important.
After dancing for a good 4 hours, we (mom, dad and I) were among the last families to leave, right....Uncle Ravi and Shanthi Aunty, Uncle Namasivayam and Eswari Aunty and Uncle Sundrapandi and Prema Aunty were there too.
Now, for some reason, while the olds were talking, I got this horrible cramp in my right calf....and I've NEVER EVER cramped up before, as in never. It was this really debilitating pain and I couldn't move my right leg at ALL.
It was scary. Yeah, I know, TOTALLY anticlimactic and all........but it was honestly really scary, not being able to move like that.
So what happened was, they had to put my chair on the chairlift wheelie and wheel me out.
Why am I posting this?
Because I want to thank these people for all the support. For keeping their own kids waiting while I was going through something VERY normal, for not telling me to shut up and not be a baby, for assuring me it was going to be OK, and especially for the chocolate covered raisins.
I'm gonna miss all of y'all.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Thanks, Luisa
You know those times when you have the evil little version of yourself on the right shoulder (dressed in red, looking somehow way hotter than the other one?) and the nice little plastic saint in white on the left?
I've been getting a lot of those two lately, and you're never going to believe for what.
See, there's this person that I've been reconsidering a LOT. I mean, we're friends and all, but he has a pretty bad rep worked up for himself and has done some pretty bad things to people. However, talking to him, I realize that he's really a nice guy. And he really has something buried inside himself that seems sad and bitter, and full of self hatred. Like the hard jackass of an exterior that he has.......is just a cover up.
Now, recently, I've been wondering what the hell I'm doing. I wondered for awhile if I was actually doing the right thing, hanging out with someone with that kind of reputation. And for awhile, I told myself that it was because I didn't want him to rub off on me.
But at the end of the day, I HAD to admit the real reason why.
I didn't want people thinking badly of ME. I didn't want anybody going, "Oh, why's SHE hanging out with someone like that?! Maybe she's not all we thought she was."
Hypocritical, I know. YES, I KNOW, STOP JUDGING ME, because you all know you've done it too. You KNOW you've deliberately ignored someone because they were less popular than you. You KNOW you've been mean to someone just because someone else told you to. You KNOW that you sometimes shunned someone just because everyone else was.
Then I remembered something.
About six years ago, my sister was talking about a girl she knew, called Luisa. The only thing, and one of my most vivid memories, is her saying "Yeah, and she's popular but nice to people who aren't."
I think that was one of the most groundbreaking, defining moments of my life. That was the moment I decided to become like that. The moment I decided to stop listening to what everyone else told me but think for myself.
Everyone else says "He's not worth it and he'll bring you and your reputation down."
I say, "Hell. I like him. And he IS worth keeping as a friend, simply because talking to him makes ME happy."
I am NOT going to become the stereotype. I am NOT going to be like the villainous cow in teenage pop culture who goes around shunning the little people. I've been there before, I've BEEN at a stage where no one wanted to be MY friend. That is exactly what I needed to be reminded of. (Thanks, Chooster).
I am going to do what makes ME happy, because I have to go home and look into the mirror. So thank you very much for your opinions.
And thanks, Luisa.
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Love as Holly, Bolly and Kolly See It
Yes, unfortunately, KOLLYWOOD EXISTS.
No wonder the Chinese make fun of us.
ANYWAY! I've been thinking lately that our lives would be so much easier if we could put love in a box. A template, if you will. This is exactly what they do in movies. For example:
IN HOLLYWOOD:
a) After yet ANOTHER Mr. Wrong dumps me, we meet at a bar and I hit on him in a drunken haze, and he doesn't take advantage of me. Surprise, surprise, I discover that guy I randomly came on to in said bar is really Mr. Right. I spend the rest of the movie trying to find him and in the end, he turns out to be the boy next door who's had a crush on me since the Bay of Pigs (who, most probably, I secretly liked too but I thought he'd never go for me).
b) We're both CIA agents who HATE each other's guts, and are placed in charge of some bigass mission to save US intelligence. We end up sleeping together.
c) We.........
Ya know what? Never mind, because in Hollywood, the general rule is, no matter who they are, where they are, or what they're doing, the main actor and actress will nearly ALWAYS end up sleeping together.
IN BOLLYWOOD:
a) Perfect guy and I meet and fall in love. Picturesque, we know. But then he'd die, and I'd swear to never love again. Then, I'd travel to (insert random Caucasian-populated country here) and then meet some dude who looks EXACTLY like him. I'd play hard to get and we'd foil some random spy mission by the bad guys. I would, of course, eventually fall in love with you, but only after we do a couple hundred dance and song sequences that have absolutely nothing to do with the storyline.
b) I hate you. You hate me. You defend my honour in some way; (beat up some guys for me, foil a rape or molestation attempt or save me from a burning building). We fall in love. End of story.
c) Our families hate each other, but we fall in love. There are LOTS of fight scenes (hero always wins, of course) but then families realize how TRUE our love is and say, oh hell, I tried to kill you four times, but WELCOME TO THE FAMILY!
Of course, this IS perfectly plausible because after all, India DOES only have one billion people, therefore the odds of meeting you despite our family connection would be.....hmm....zero. See, in brown people movies, statistics like this (impossible ones) are an almost SURE guarantee that it'll happen. And yes, it does.
IN KOLLYWOOD (these be the sad South Indians, less popular and less attractive than our nothern cousins)
Well, ya know what? It's actually the EXACT same storylines as in Bollywood, except the heroines are fatter, the heroes are older and the costumes are uglier, clash more and are about 30 times more garish.
But then, movies are just that - movies. And at the end of the day, if love really WAS like this, we'd get bored.
So, in a way, I'm glad that I can't predict where, when and how I'm going to find the perfect guy, but I continue to live in faith that I will someday.