Sunday, February 05, 2006
Love as Holly, Bolly and Kolly See It
Yes, unfortunately, KOLLYWOOD EXISTS.
No wonder the Chinese make fun of us.
ANYWAY! I've been thinking lately that our lives would be so much easier if we could put love in a box. A template, if you will. This is exactly what they do in movies. For example:
IN HOLLYWOOD:
a) After yet ANOTHER Mr. Wrong dumps me, we meet at a bar and I hit on him in a drunken haze, and he doesn't take advantage of me. Surprise, surprise, I discover that guy I randomly came on to in said bar is really Mr. Right. I spend the rest of the movie trying to find him and in the end, he turns out to be the boy next door who's had a crush on me since the Bay of Pigs (who, most probably, I secretly liked too but I thought he'd never go for me).
b) We're both CIA agents who HATE each other's guts, and are placed in charge of some bigass mission to save US intelligence. We end up sleeping together.
c) We.........
Ya know what? Never mind, because in Hollywood, the general rule is, no matter who they are, where they are, or what they're doing, the main actor and actress will nearly ALWAYS end up sleeping together.
IN BOLLYWOOD:
a) Perfect guy and I meet and fall in love. Picturesque, we know. But then he'd die, and I'd swear to never love again. Then, I'd travel to (insert random Caucasian-populated country here) and then meet some dude who looks EXACTLY like him. I'd play hard to get and we'd foil some random spy mission by the bad guys. I would, of course, eventually fall in love with you, but only after we do a couple hundred dance and song sequences that have absolutely nothing to do with the storyline.
b) I hate you. You hate me. You defend my honour in some way; (beat up some guys for me, foil a rape or molestation attempt or save me from a burning building). We fall in love. End of story.
c) Our families hate each other, but we fall in love. There are LOTS of fight scenes (hero always wins, of course) but then families realize how TRUE our love is and say, oh hell, I tried to kill you four times, but WELCOME TO THE FAMILY!
Of course, this IS perfectly plausible because after all, India DOES only have one billion people, therefore the odds of meeting you despite our family connection would be.....hmm....zero. See, in brown people movies, statistics like this (impossible ones) are an almost SURE guarantee that it'll happen. And yes, it does.
IN KOLLYWOOD (these be the sad South Indians, less popular and less attractive than our nothern cousins)
Well, ya know what? It's actually the EXACT same storylines as in Bollywood, except the heroines are fatter, the heroes are older and the costumes are uglier, clash more and are about 30 times more garish.
But then, movies are just that - movies. And at the end of the day, if love really WAS like this, we'd get bored.
So, in a way, I'm glad that I can't predict where, when and how I'm going to find the perfect guy, but I continue to live in faith that I will someday.
Queen Sana at 8:29 PM
