NOOO, IT'S NOT WHAT YOU'RE THINKING!!!!

And I KNOW what you was thinkin!

Perverted freakos.

Anyway :)

Now, before I write all thats in my cliche-filled, under-used heart, I wanna make two things clear.

1) I love my piano. I LOVE my piano, it is one of my most prized posessions that never fails to fill me with joy, even if I DO bang down on her and kick her when Melancholy isn't going well. I am the ONLY person who can do this, and I HATE it when anyone tries to take too many liberties with my piano, because she is MINE.

2) I don't HATE kids. In fact, a surprisingly HIGH number of them seem to like me. At times though, it never fails to astound me how incredibly dim they can all be. Not just for liking me, but for the sheer NUMBER of dimblewit things they DO. It's incredible! But I have been told that I'm very good with kids, and that they look up to me.

Hard as it is to believe, I am ACTUALLY going to start with my story now. You can leave if you want to. A finger in the air will follow, but you never know, it COULD be a thumbs up!!!!! *pained smile*

Anyway, a couple of nights ago, we invited over a big group of family friends for dinner. The collective total of kids (and by kid I mean anyone younger than me whom I can look down upon....oh wait. That disincludes one of them who's taller than me at 12. Stupid cow) was four. P, E, Em and A. Let's leave A out, he's an adorable, darling little angel child.

Now, one thing you have to understand right here is that P really, really loves me. And lets face it, I really like this kid as well. She's 9, and it really flatters me that not only does she want to spend as much time with me as possible, she's also trying to be as much like me as she can.

For all who are holdin their nasty sides laffin that some kid would actually WANT to be like Sana, you are WELCOME to join the unintelligibles who just left. And stuff you while you're at it.

Let me profile P a little more for you. She's a typical 9 year old, except that she's really, really bright, and this gives her a typically-9-year-old sense of entitlement. She is also extremely posessive of me (she yells at her mother when she talks to me), and is in constant need of validation from me, esPECIALLY when we're around other kids, that SHE is my favourite, SHE is my protege, SHE is the one getting my attention.

Despite the fact that my self confidence is at its highest around her, I HAVE to admit it gets annoying. She is SO clingy and SO dependent and has even started to dress like me. It is a TAD bit kreepy. And lets face it, there is a REASON I wasn't friendly and well-liked at 9. I JUST WASN'T LIKABLE. I alienated people because I was scared they'd hurt me, instead revelling in the fact that I did well in school. I appeared arrogant and snobby. I pretended I didn't care what ANYONE thought.

Exactly what she's doing. People make fun of her at school because she's Indian.

Child psychology is such. When you want to get close to someone, ANY kind of contact is all but REQUIRED. ANY kind of contact. Pulling, hitting, poking, prodding, tickling, grabbing, it is just vital. It was so during the dinner party, and ANYONE who knows me knows I'm cuddly, but good GOD I require space. I LOVE hugs, kisses and all of that, but I hate it when people monopolize my time or space with no respect for it.

P, E and Em play the piano, and after MUCH warning, I let them play. After the hour or so they spent banging my beloved child, I was.....to put it gently.....a tad miffed. I moved to close the piano, and P, seeing this and wanting to get close to me, pulled my hand away and the piano lid came crashing down, narrowly missing her fingers.

I. SAW. RED.

With a strangled cry, I opened it again to make sure there were no chips or anything (the piano had a small dent already, from when they movers mucked it up, so I was REALLY annoyed. P actually worsened the dent and made the paint chip off the last time she came here), and that was when she uttered it.

"I think my FINGERS are more important than the piano!!!"

Now, my PRIMAL thought, after the flash of rage, was "Who the hell does this hissy little unrepentant miniature think she is?! NO, YOU JUVENILE, MY PIANO IS MORE IMPORTANT BECAUSE I SAY IT'S MORE IMPORTANT!!!!!!!!!" Course I didn't say that. I just thought it.

And then I noticed her staring at me. That look in her eyes...that look of sadness, at my refusal to admit that yes, for god's sake child, of course your fingers are more important, and I'm sorry the mean old piano lid hurt them and I hope they're all better.

I should have said yes.

She was looking for reassurance, and I just couldn't give it to her. A moment of idiot selfishness, but I hurt a young child who looked up to me no end.

I don't think I have wounded her. I don't know if she's forgotten it already. All I know is I had a chance to get this girls' self esteem piqued, her confidence up, her spirits risen......and I just didn't.

How can I claim to be a role model, how can I even step into that role, when I'm clearly still a child myself?

It still angers me when people show no respect for things that mean a lot to me, it still frustrates me when I lose in a game, it still hurts my pride when someone taunts me about failing at anything....

I am no better than her.

Why does she even look up to me?

Queen Sana at 10:29 PM