So, according to mutual friend, Jester is off the market.

Why? Something about a being in a weird emotional place or summat.

Am I upset?

No.

Upset is too strong a word.

Let's look for a softer word, shall we, seeing as how now I've started this I'm going to have to continue for at least a quarter of a page or lose my reputation as the world's longest blogger of crap.

Disappointed? No. My hopes were never that high.

Disillusioned? Sounds a bit better, but still not quite on the mark.

The best way, and how tragically ironic, to describe how I feel right now....

Would be to say I'm in a weird emotional place right now.

A few posts ago, I mentioned something about how I was terrified of ending up alone because I'm too picky. It's all well and good, and has become second nature to me, to imMEDIATELY vacate all thoughts like that and fill that void with positive, happyshinyfecker thoughts of "Oh, at the end of the day, Sana will find what she's REALLY looking for!!!!!!" and "Well, at least I'm not settling" and "I miss out on nothing" and "At least emotional damage evades me!"

I wonder if Jester's emotionally damaged.

HAPPYSHINYFECKERTHOUGHTS,HAPPYSHINYFECKERTHOUGHTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At the end of the day, somewhere in the mass of calculated logic....is a flaw. And I don't know where that is. Because calculated logic is what LEADS Sana to HappyLand, where all negative thoughts are banished to the land of Those Other Normal People.

And yet, I can't seem to get there anymore. Is it because I'm losing optimism or am I just having trouble settling down? Or is it just that I miss being, not just a part of things, but right in the centre, where things may not revolve around me, but I KNOW what's happening?

BANISH THOSE THOUGHTS, SANA!!! For somewhere along the line, someone is GOING to EVENTUALLY realize the wonder that is me and....and....

Urgh.

I sound false even to me now. That was a point I should have never reached. And never expected to reach. And now that I've reached it, I don't quite know what to do with myself.

BEING A NUN, YEAH, BEING A NUN IS NO FUN.

Haahaaa, Sana made a rhymie.

Go away.

Queen Sana at 8:44 PM
1 comments

I am proud to be Indian, and no one is going to make me feel inferior because my country is dusty.

I am proud to be loud, and no one is going to make me feel like a nuisance for making absolutely certain my voice is heard.

I am proud to love books more than movies, and no one is going to make me feel like a moron because I don't recognize movie lines.

I am proud to be cornily funny, and no one is going to make me feel like I am nothing more than a clown because I make people smile.

I am proud to be opinionated, and no one is going to make me feel like a b***h for airing my opinions.

I am proud to be a nerd, and no one is going to make me feel like a social reject because I will eventually get into college and actually make something of myself.

I am proud to be chaste, and no one is going to make me feel like a prude because my skirt is still well below my knees.

I am proud to be morally upright, and no one is going to make me feel like an uptight loser because I refuse to give in to either my physical self or peer pressure.

I am proud to love Jesus, and no one is going to make me feel like a nun because I don't swear more.

I am proud, ladies and gentlemen, to be all that the name Sangeetha Jesudason encompasses, the loud, opinionated, overtalkative, corny but funny, lover of The Calling and former lover of the Backstreet Boys (OK, maybe I don't deserve forgiveness for that :P), literature freak and attention-seeker that I am.

Don't like it?

Don't. Odds are, I don't like you either.

Queen Sana at 4:07 PM
8 comments

She's leaving tomorrow.

I watched her grow, didn't I? From an unnaturally pretty but nerdy and shy child in a dorky frock (the kind your mom forces you to wear to church), to the beautiful, still slightly insecure but confident young lady with laughing eyes and a radiance that's almost tangible.

How retarded is it that I feel depressed that she's leaving a place I myself just left?

It COULD be inadequacy. Because I have always been there to watch her cry and hold her when she did, as she has for me. It could be that I feel the crushing blow of watching one of my best friends take a huge step, and this time I'm not there to take it with her.

It COULD be that she's taking a part of me with her, to a foreign country that I've been to only sporadically.

It COULD be that though India is among the top in fiber optics, computers, programming and IT, that their net connections and phone connections effing suck and so picking up the phone when I need to hear her laugh is going to be harder.

Or it could just be the irrational, stupid, crazy fear that I'll never see her again.

I will, but I'm wearing a sad smile right now because I'm proud of your courage (I needed a whole army to send me off), but I know how hard it's going to be for you. So this is my tribute to you. I couldn't be there tomorrow and I'm sorry.....you watched me take the same step, and I'm so proud of you for doing this all on your own. I realize I am being effing condescending and sound like I think you can't take care of yourself.

But only you could understand that that's not my intention. I think I'm just feeling horribly useless now because we were there for each other through everything (crushes, being crushed on, exams, parental fights, insecurities), and I can't be there now. I am thrilled that this new chapter of your life is about to begin for you, and I hope that someone will be able to fill your life with as much colour, light and laughter as you filled mine with.

And when you get on that plane, think of me and remember our idiot recordings, Kacha and Pucha, the Kannum Kannum Nokia song, our dance class adventures with Parks and Divs and the quadrillion other retarded inside jokes we have.

And smile.

Because da, that smile that lights a thousand faces should never diminish.

Bon Voyage, Naz.....keep that part of me safe, OK?

Queen Sana at 6:39 PM
2 comments

Putting a child to sleep.

Hold a little child in your arms, preferably a kid that wants to be you when she grows up, and listen to the sound of her breathing.

Then, marvel at the small but steady heartbeat that keeps this lovely little child alive, and realize that that's what keeps you alive as well. Offer up a prayer of thanks that you ARE alive.

Stroke her hair because its still soft and fine, and reminisce about your own days being that young, being that naive....wanting to be someone. Reminisce about a time when good Lord, YOUR hair was like that and didn't have to be steamrollered and manipulated with a myriad of chemicals to look like that....pray that SHE doesn't have to deal with stuffed up hair.

Then, when she starts to snore, allow yourself a chortle, but let it be quiet so as to not wake her up. Finally, roll over softly, tuck her colourful throw-rug over her small body, and go to sleep with pleasant dreams of marrying Jester.

:)

Except if you're a guy, in which case, that would be weird.

Queen Sana at 9:34 PM
0 comments

Even the biggest b***h in the world was a little girl once......a little girl with dreams in her eyes and shampoo that smelled like strawberries. She wished on stars and loved kittens and puppies. She thought ribbons were pretty and loved pink. She thought boys were yucky but secretly thought that little one over there was kinda cute......where did she go?

Which means that if all of us started out the same, why are we all so incredibly different? Where was that moment in time where someone held me that didn't hold you or that someone told you something that no one told me or someone hurt one of us in a way that the other couldn't even contemplate?

All factors of probability in Mathematics tell us there are a billion possible ways a lovely little girl with her Little Mermaid lunchbox and stars in her eyes can turn into a young girl, then finally a woman.

Makes ya think, doesn't it?

We all look at people and say stuff like "Lord Jaysus, Mary and Joseph, I'll be damned if my girl turned out like *her*".

We all do. You have too and you know it.

But who really knows? How easy is it to proclaim such a bald, callous statement?

No parent wants their daughter to become promiscuous, their son to become a wife-beater.

But it still happens, despite the pain, tears, instruction, chiding, love and lessons, it still happens.

That really is a scary thought.

Queen Sana at 9:03 PM
1 comments

HAHAHA, thanks for that, Lu Wee.

I seriously had like, four titles in my head for today's post, and had decided on "Owning Your Joy" but thank GOD Lu Wee reminded me that I'm NOT Dr-freaking Phil. It's like, well, you can talk to Oprah, but can you do THIS? *flips hair*.

If you haven't already noticed, I am extremely cheerful and really happy today :) Long and short of it is, BOTH the choir and the Vocal Ensemble KICKED ASS at the Singing Comp (Called the Eisteddfod, we all thought it was the Steadford....anyway), and walked away with 2 firsts. I conducted, because Mrs. McKendry...her son's not doing well at all in hospital. Keep him in your prayers, yeah, she may just be my favourite person in all of Australia.

I had to wear this ginormously huge blazer and my rump was facing the audience....sigh...I'd have LOVED to be that adjudicator. How fortunate a female to get to gaze on the Sacred Rear of Sana for a whole 8 minutes!!! Flipside? I looked like a SQUARE. I'm not....you see....the tallest person around, so that coupled with blazer-last-worn-by-child-with-Sumo-wrestler-father, made me look like....a block.

Hence the title :) SO NOW WE KNOW.

Anyway, so I got to miss half a day of school, bond with the choir girls (all brilliant kids), get to know a couple of my own classmates better, and at the end of it, walked away with two BRAND SPANKIN blue ribbons and two trophies :) But the school stole those. Damnit. I wanted to secretly stuff them down my shirt and enshrine them.

Oh well. Guess they saved me money on incense.

I realize I've been feeling all deprezzled and completely NOT ME....a couple of you know why, the rest of you don't need to. No, I'm not pregnant or on drugs, don't worry. Aussie air hasn't polluted me THAT badly (yet). But you know what? Today, I walked, nay, MARCHED, back into school, with my little blue ribbons stickin out of my pocket (OH YEAH BABY, WORK THOSE RIBBONS!), and the rest of the day belonged to me. Nothing anyone said, or did, or ANYTHING, could take that away from me, because that joy was MINE.

And that's why the title was supposed to be Owning Your Joy, because....the reason I wasn't feelin so great the last few weeks is, simply because I didn't. I could do well in school, I could have a great family, I could have a nice evening, a great conversation....but I never quite ACCEPTED, GRASPED, HELD that joy in my hands.

And today I did.

And ya know what?

I sat with a big group of people and talked and laughed just like my Bruneian self used to do, feeling no self consciousness.

I questioned a teacher in Chem class and didn't back down when he didn't think I was right. I later proved him wrong.

I joked loudly in class and people laughed.

I said hi to random people, waved, bounced, grooved, did my usual thing, but it felt NATURAL for the first time in AGES!!!

And guess what?

I talked to Jester properly :)

DAYME, it feels great to be alive today!!!

Hello, my darlings, its GOOD TO BE BACK!!!!!

Queen Sana at 7:18 PM
8 comments

I am scared.

I am scared of losing myself.

I am scared of becoming what I swore never to be.

I am afraid of starting to swear badly again.

I am afraid that I've lost God.

I am afraid of becoming mediocre.

I am frightened that people won't like me as much if I let them see who I am.

I am frightened that I'll end up completely alone because I refuse to give way.

Yet I am frightened of settling, of giving in.

I am terrified of becoming like them.

I am terrified of losing my dreams.

I am terrified of starting again at the beginning....

I am fearful of losing them.

I am fearful of being forgotten.

I am fearful of everything in my world because it's not one I'm used to.


I hate to admit it, because fear is something I try to not identify with (Except spiders).....but it is becoming overwhelming.

Maybe today has just been a bad day.

Or maybe I really AM losing myself in a world I have no clue how to handle.

What I need.....is you, Lord.....what I can't find.....ironically, is one and the same.

Queen Sana at 7:29 PM
4 comments