Monday, June 12, 2006
Dan, Ma Man!!
Dear Mr. Brown,
What did I ever do to you?! Now, what you have against the great live JC I don't care much for since, well, we all know you're going to hell anyway, but ME?!
Kindly let me elaborate.
I'm not sure if you MEANT for your book to hit my parents right square in the Christian rear, but see, it did. Currently, they are listening to Rhema.fm to a broadcast by (insert name of bigass Christian author who's sold more than 100, count em, 100! copies here), saying your literary masterpiece is crap, evil crap, evil blasphemous crap, you get the picture. And sir, they are currently looking at me with the condescending smugness of adults who *believe* they have been proven right.
They have never been right.
See, they believe that once I read your book, 16 years of Christianness will evaporate, and I will suddenly start leading Anti-Christian crusades, burning crosses, boycotting the Blue Cross (simply for having the word Cross in it) and convert to Islam.
They, according to themselves, have saved me from this. From eternal damnation to the flaming pits of Lucifer himself.
Much as I believe in literary freedom sir, I would like to assure you that I one of those incredibly boring individuals who has never smoked, drank, screwed around, flunked out of school, been suspended, expelled or in fact been anywhere out of the top 5 in class. I put oil in my hair and tie it up for school, I don't wear tight clothes, I don't yell at my grandma, I don't secretly skin cats and frame their furs, I am not a closet vampire or any of the above.
Why do I tell you this?
BECAUSE I DON'T DESERVE THIS!!!!!!!!!!
For chris(who come on, man, we both know is not married)sake, man, cut me some slack!!!!!
I'd almost rather have them lecturing me about my non weight problem!!!!!!
So now, as a FORMAL apology, if I have ever called your momma fat, stepped on your toe, cut you in line, egged your house, hurt your ego, called you a pig, mocked your bald spot or TP'ed your grandpa's apartment, I'm TRULY sorry.
Now for the sake of all that's holy, please, PLEASE issue a press release stating either that: 1) Your evil twin brother Jim wrote the book, drugged you and used your name to market it, or 2) That you have met the Lord Jesus Christ, found he's not married, and have decided to donate your fortune to feeding starving chihuahuas. Or Nicole Richie, both work just fine.
Oh no wait, hold on a sec. Nicole Richie is a celebrity, therefore according to my parents, is on her way to hell too. Might as well cover all our bases.
Sincerely Yours,
Sana RJ
What did I ever do to you?! Now, what you have against the great live JC I don't care much for since, well, we all know you're going to hell anyway, but ME?!
Kindly let me elaborate.
I'm not sure if you MEANT for your book to hit my parents right square in the Christian rear, but see, it did. Currently, they are listening to Rhema.fm to a broadcast by (insert name of bigass Christian author who's sold more than 100, count em, 100! copies here), saying your literary masterpiece is crap, evil crap, evil blasphemous crap, you get the picture. And sir, they are currently looking at me with the condescending smugness of adults who *believe* they have been proven right.
They have never been right.
See, they believe that once I read your book, 16 years of Christianness will evaporate, and I will suddenly start leading Anti-Christian crusades, burning crosses, boycotting the Blue Cross (simply for having the word Cross in it) and convert to Islam.
They, according to themselves, have saved me from this. From eternal damnation to the flaming pits of Lucifer himself.
Much as I believe in literary freedom sir, I would like to assure you that I one of those incredibly boring individuals who has never smoked, drank, screwed around, flunked out of school, been suspended, expelled or in fact been anywhere out of the top 5 in class. I put oil in my hair and tie it up for school, I don't wear tight clothes, I don't yell at my grandma, I don't secretly skin cats and frame their furs, I am not a closet vampire or any of the above.
Why do I tell you this?
BECAUSE I DON'T DESERVE THIS!!!!!!!!!!
For chris(who come on, man, we both know is not married)sake, man, cut me some slack!!!!!
I'd almost rather have them lecturing me about my non weight problem!!!!!!
So now, as a FORMAL apology, if I have ever called your momma fat, stepped on your toe, cut you in line, egged your house, hurt your ego, called you a pig, mocked your bald spot or TP'ed your grandpa's apartment, I'm TRULY sorry.
Now for the sake of all that's holy, please, PLEASE issue a press release stating either that: 1) Your evil twin brother Jim wrote the book, drugged you and used your name to market it, or 2) That you have met the Lord Jesus Christ, found he's not married, and have decided to donate your fortune to feeding starving chihuahuas. Or Nicole Richie, both work just fine.
Oh no wait, hold on a sec. Nicole Richie is a celebrity, therefore according to my parents, is on her way to hell too. Might as well cover all our bases.
Sincerely Yours,
Sana RJ
Queen Sana at 4:52 PM
