Monday, July 17, 2006
Because of You
NOTE!!!
Now, I'm WARNING you because I love you (no, that's a lie, its because I don't want you to think I'm freakretarded and weird and then hate me), this is ONE HELL of an emo post. As in the whole rip-my-bleeding-heart-from-my-body-and-wave-it-pulsating-in-your-face kind of post. You have been adequately warned!!
And secondly, to the brave few who actually DO read this, don't worry. I'm OK. This was a post that begged to be written a long time ago. And plus, most of you knew this already.
And I'll most likely be taking this down because of its delicate nature. But if you DO happen to catch it in time, I really am (or at least will be), OK, so don't worry :)
One more thing: The people in question...this is a direct attack, and it is thinly veiled. This IS, however, only one aspect of their personalities and to deny the fact that they've implemented my life in so many positive ways would be a disgusting display of ungratefulness. But everything written below is something I've personally felt at one point or another, and none of it is made up or exaggerated. Just so you know :)
If I can only ever look at myself in the mirror sideways, it is because of you.
If I feel 10 units of guilt for every one unit of chocolate I eat, it is because of you.
If I constantly get "Aren't you kind of young to be here?" when I go to the gym, it is because of you.
If I allow my body weight in the morning to determine how the rest of my day goes, it is because of you.
If I am afraid to wear something remotely fitting because I'm scared all people will see are my awful contours, it is because of you.
If I can tell you the exact caloric difference between oatmeal WITH bran and oatmeal WITHOUT bran, it is because of you.
If I look at someone I don't know on the street and automatically profile them according to their weight, it is because of you.
If I can be made to feel ashamed or guilty for someone else's long past actions, it is because of you.
Now, I'm WARNING you because I love you (no, that's a lie, its because I don't want you to think I'm freakretarded and weird and then hate me), this is ONE HELL of an emo post. As in the whole rip-my-bleeding-heart-from-my-body-and-wave-it-pulsating-in-your-face kind of post. You have been adequately warned!!
And secondly, to the brave few who actually DO read this, don't worry. I'm OK. This was a post that begged to be written a long time ago. And plus, most of you knew this already.
And I'll most likely be taking this down because of its delicate nature. But if you DO happen to catch it in time, I really am (or at least will be), OK, so don't worry :)
One more thing: The people in question...this is a direct attack, and it is thinly veiled. This IS, however, only one aspect of their personalities and to deny the fact that they've implemented my life in so many positive ways would be a disgusting display of ungratefulness. But everything written below is something I've personally felt at one point or another, and none of it is made up or exaggerated. Just so you know :)
If I can only ever look at myself in the mirror sideways, it is because of you.
If I feel 10 units of guilt for every one unit of chocolate I eat, it is because of you.
If I constantly get "Aren't you kind of young to be here?" when I go to the gym, it is because of you.
If I allow my body weight in the morning to determine how the rest of my day goes, it is because of you.
If I am afraid to wear something remotely fitting because I'm scared all people will see are my awful contours, it is because of you.
If I can tell you the exact caloric difference between oatmeal WITH bran and oatmeal WITHOUT bran, it is because of you.
If I look at someone I don't know on the street and automatically profile them according to their weight, it is because of you.
If I can be made to feel ashamed or guilty for someone else's long past actions, it is because of you.
If I know more about passive aggression than anyone else my age, it is because of you.
If I have an extremely high mental capacity but I find I don't want it any more because I can remember EVERYTHING YOU SAID, it is because of you.
If I can feel bitterly envious of the people closest to me simply because they're thinner, it is because of you.
If, despite the strength of mind I KNOW I possess, I ever turn out with an eating disorder, it is because of you.
If one question EVERY SINGLE ONE of my friends can remember me asking them is "Are you sure I'm not fat?", it is because of you.
If I know the difference between Atkins, Appeton, Cambridge, General Motors, Fruits Only and Optifast, from PERSONAL EXPERIENCE, it is because of you.
If I end up healthy-looking on the outside, but screwed up on the inside, KNOW THIS, GODDAMNIT, KNOW THIS: IT IS BECAUSE OF YOU.
If I have an extremely high mental capacity but I find I don't want it any more because I can remember EVERYTHING YOU SAID, it is because of you.
If I can feel bitterly envious of the people closest to me simply because they're thinner, it is because of you.
If, despite the strength of mind I KNOW I possess, I ever turn out with an eating disorder, it is because of you.
If one question EVERY SINGLE ONE of my friends can remember me asking them is "Are you sure I'm not fat?", it is because of you.
If I know the difference between Atkins, Appeton, Cambridge, General Motors, Fruits Only and Optifast, from PERSONAL EXPERIENCE, it is because of you.
If I end up healthy-looking on the outside, but screwed up on the inside, KNOW THIS, GODDAMNIT, KNOW THIS: IT IS BECAUSE OF YOU.
Queen Sana at 12:30 AM
