I flaffed church today because I had this weird backache, listening to all the CRAP you loaded my computer with. Some of it's pretty good but I will NEVER understand how you could POSSIBLY enjoy Ryan Cabrera. Oh, it's not just that he looks like a weasel or anything....OK, maybe just that then.

So I went back and read our Achi blog. It is the ONLY, SINGLE solitary piece of writing that EVERY DAMN TIME I look at it, no matter how many times I've read it, still makes me cry for some unknown reason. Make no mistake, I DO on rare occasion cry when reading something, watching something. But eventually, I get over it. That damn post flows so eerily beautifully I wish I could just forget the damned URL. I realize what that reason is: I'm crying as much for you as for Achi.

Shama and I never had that connection with her that you have, you know....so what I feel everytime I read it....isn't quite me feeling sad at her not being here, and the fact that she's getting older, and possibly locking doors and forgetting the keys, and being unhappy when she has to put in that damned hearing aid, because these do make me sad but that's not the first thing I think of reading that post....

But it's the fact that I feel SOMETHING powerful inside, like some unknown wellspring from which these foreign teardrops come from.

You know what that wellspring is?

It's you. Remember I told you once that I knew you had cried writing it because I cried reading it? It's the same thing here....I don't quite understand WHAT I feel when I read it, but I weep on in the knowledge, firm and quiet, that you do.

I miss her too, Chooster....I will forever be filled with self disgust and sheer regret at not going for walks with her in Brunei when she asked me to because I was on the bloody computer. Every time I talk to her she sounds so excited and I swear on everything that I possess inclusive of my soul....

That should she come back and ask for me to walk with her at 12.00 midnight in nothing but my jammies in the freezing weather, I'll go happily and even ask for another round.

I'm terrified I haven't given her enough of a reason to want to come back to me, and in my head is this horrible thought, completely irrational but there, that this whole Mena thing is a complete farce and she's not coming back....

Because she really doesn't want to.

Is Mena really looking to get married, Chooster? Do we even HAVE a cousin called Mena?

I miss her so much. I'm a selfish b*tch and I WANT THOSE YEARS. I WANT THAT TIME. They're NOT taking that time away from me!! They're NOT!

I want to come to Dublin but the MemmyDaddy are making it difficult. The female half is pulling her Psych crap and the male half is blundering along in usual *yell at EVERYTHING and maybe you'll hit someone who deserves it* fashion. Both are making their attempts at passive aggression without QUITE knowing who the queen of passive aggression is.

Muchos Amo, Tofatosexymato :)

Note: To EVERYONE else, no, I'm not crazy and yes, I WILL be OK. There really are only two people who'll understand this completely because they share the same connection with me.

I love ALL the rest of you, and if you wouldn't mind, kindly ERASE this blog from your mind lest you think I'm a whackjob. That IS in fact true, but at least this way, I don't come off as a DEPRESSED whackjob, for they are all the more scary!

Back in awhile with more of my usual stuff :)

Queen Sana at 10:32 AM