I was about to name this post, "Woman, thy husband is an idiot."

But I can't possibly be so deliberately bitchy with the people that raised me.....because I know that I'm just extremely angry now and must not make any rash decisions that will end up hurting me more.

Why this post then, you ask.

Well, first and foremost, this blog is where I dump my emotions when I'm scared my diary will be found and when I can't put into rhyme what I feel.....this is usually because feelings I write about are alien: pity for a fictional autistic boy: sorrow for the child who was dumped by his mother, when I really couldn't ever relate to her.

That's when I blog, when the feeling I'm experiencing hits me so deeply at my core, that I can't dissociate myself from it and put it into lyrical poetry.

I am deeply sad....not depressed, not despondent, none of those bigass words that older people use to describe a pure feeling that's been corrupted by the desire to sound intelligent.

I am just.....sad. The word a five year old uses. A seven year old. A six year old. I use the word sad because I feel that age now, when you just want to cry out of sheer frustration and despair.

I realize that as long as I live under the same roof as my father......I will never respect him.

When dad lived in KL and us in Brunei, he was objective and intelligent...he gave great advice that solved the problem.

Not advice that was tailored and effing cookie cut like out of some effing parenting book.

It's not just that.

He has this idiotic pathological need to be in control of situiations WHERE THERE WAS NO CONTROL ISSUE.

And to find fault where there IS none.

I wonder if he realizes that I'm the ONE daughter he hasn't managed to alienate with his condescension, his complete lack of tact, his unjustified need to find fault and character flaws where they DON'T EXIST. He has three.

"It's because you're at the AGE ma, where you feel your parents are always wrong! It's soon you'll realize how wrong you are!" I WILL NOT BE TURNED INTO THE FOOLISH, REBELLIOUS, PARANOID TEENAGER WHEN MY SENSE OF JUDGEMENT IS BETTER THAN ANYTHING YOU'VE DISPLAYED OVER THE PAST FEW MONTHS.

"Your butt is spending too long on the computer. I want you to go study NOW." I WILL NOT BE MADE TO FEEL LIKE THE LITTLE FLAWS I DISPLAY AS A NORMAL, STABLE INDVIDUAL MAGNIFY TO ENORMOUS PROPORTIONS AND SCAR ME, ESPECIALLY NOT AFTER SPENDING FOUR EFFING HOURS STUDYING.

"You see, you never help us. I TOLD you to get the photos on the computer! Why can't you do this ONE THING to help your parents!" I WILL NOT BE UNJUSTIFIEDLY MADE TO FEEL GUILTY FOR THINGS THAT AREN'T MY FAULT, AND ARE IN FACT DUE TO YOUR OWN STUPIDITY: I CAN'T GET PICTURES INTO A DAMN COMPUTER WITHOUT A USB OR A MEMORY CARD THAT FITS THE DAMN SLOT OR A SCANNER.

I apologize.

I am out of control.

I am sad.

Queen Sana at 6:11 PM