I'm not INEXPERIENCED.

I'm just VERY mature, AND happen to REALIZE that STUPID EXPERIENCES that serve ABSOLUTELY NO PURPOSE and can honestly WAIT til I'm OLD ENOUGH, and not a 12 year old trying on my mommy's LIPSTICK, to experience them PROPERLY.

What did you say?

WHAT did you say??

"Don't say you can match those experiences, because you have no idea what I've felt!"

With some profanity in there somewhere, right? Yeah, I remember it like that, too. So much for helping you. You know what, brother? I may not "know" about things that you call physical experience....

But you have ABSOLUTELY no effing clue how I feel, either. Your emotions are so goddamn GENERIC and COOKIE CUTTER. OOoh, my girlfriend dumped me after she kissed me so I'm totally gonna go die and that OTHER girl that I like NOW tells me she can't love me because she likes this other guy who's SIMILARLY trapped in his OWN love triangle and EVERYONE HATES ME AND I SHOULD JUST GO KILL MYSELF!

Pah.

Wanna know what I think about, jackass??

I worry about my FUTURE, my EDUCATION, my PROSPECTS, things that MATTER. Things that CAN'T wait til this year is over. I'm still going to get married and depurify myself (I really couldn't print the more common term for this....it still makes me uncomfy), and have kids and a life and a career.

SO DON'T YOU EFFING TREAT ME LIKE I'M SOME GODDAMN CHILD STANDING ON A BOX PRETENDING TO KNOW EVERYTHING.

Because I NEVER claim to, and I've ALWAYS given you the "Ok, if you want me to not be blunt, please tell me, because it's all I know how to be", just like I tell EVERYONE else I talk to (Which, by the way, is a surPRISINGLY high number of people, I'll have your ass know!)

If YOU don't value that in me, go find someone who'll blow sunshine up your ass, because I WON'T.

I'm actually not this angry anymore, because I've done the whole shrinkanalystic thing I love so much and realized that our problems ALWAYS seem so big to us. I wanna beat some guy in my class, and right now I'm depressed because I can't. I know your problems seem really big right now, but I stick by what I told you: take time to heal yourself, because if ALL your happiness rests in someone ELSE'S frail hands....

How can you ever be happy?

But the REAL reason I'm so angry is because I think you struck a nerve.

You hit me in the ONE spot I'm vulnerable: the doubt that eats me at times, that I'm missing out on something because I'm such a staunch non-settler. I'm filled with hope and optimism and independent pride, you know, the whole "I'm too damn smackfly for ANY man!!!" thing.....but deep down, I wonder if 1) It really IS possible for me to end up alone and unhappy, and 2) I've somehow missed out on some vital part of life. Some secret club that everyone's a part of but me.

Please tell me.....because I will MAKE my arguments to you and I will believe them, because I've spent ages crafting them. I also happen to personally believe everything I say.

But hiding in me is this small fear, that fear that I may be just what you imply....a kid who doesn't REALLY know anything at all and pretends to be everyone's fecking cousellor....

When she really doesn't know any better.

Queen Sana at 8:40 PM
1 comments

Holy Persfuffety!

I passed my one year birthday and forgot all about it!

Ok, so I didn't forget.

Ok, OK, OK, So I remembered it a month ahead and set a phone reminder.

Shut up, I love this blog.

ANYWAY! SINCE I wasn't HERE on the 20th of Jan (in Sydney with family), I guess my birthday post comes three days late. And here's what I've decided to do.

"I need to admit that I really miss feeling close to God. I need to admit that what you did, and what you said, hurt a lot more than I implied. I need to admit that I'm really, really going to miss this place, and stop pretending like its all good. I need to admit that to you, I'm being a damned hypocrite. I need to admit that right now, I'm feeling REALLY insecure because I'm starting to believe what they want me to believe. I need to admit that I'm really confused. I need to admit that I don't have the answers and that I'm NOT really in control. I need to admit that I LIKE YOU BUT I CAN'T TELL YOU, GODDAMNIT."

That is an excerpt from a REALLY old blog of mine....OK, so not REALLY old...but just towards the end of 2005, I wrote that in a post. I thought it'd be fun to pick that apart and see what I feel about it NOW, and possibly even tell you what I was being sadamn cryptic about towards the end :)

I need to admit that I really miss feeling close to God.

Wow. And this was a month after the whole "reading Purpose Driven Life and feeling so great and secure in my relationship with God" phase. It....it really used to matter very much to me, didn't it? Now, I can say how much I miss it and it sounds mechanical....then it was all "OHMYGOD,I'VELOSTTHEFEELING! GETITBACK, GETITBACKNOW!" Sigh. I miss the old Me. I was a more spiritual Me with a greater capacity of pure joy! I guess I exchanged some of that for a more realistic view of the world: that God IS there and he loves me, but he DOES let bad things happen. Horrible things, too. I'm still wrestling with that one, but I know that he'll call my heart back soon.

I need to admit that what you did, and what you said, hurt a lot more than I implied.

Oh, for crap's sake. Do you know what this was about? HAHAHAHAHAHA, I walked into Pretty Fit, at the Mall on Lyn's insistence. There, then ex-crush-who-broke-my-frail-heart and now that-random-gay-kid-I-liked-once who's name we shall say is, Oh, what the hell, FLALEX worked, and he walked out of the store upon seeing me. I honestly do thank God that at some point, I started loving myself more: I've been through a LOT this year, LEAST of all flunking an English-taught class for the first time since Primary 5, and nowadays, nothing of this non-magnitude fazes me anymore.

And for the record, I DID honestly like the guy, and it DID hurt when he said what he said. I won't bitch about him because you know what? I'm SO much better than that.

I need to admit that I'm really, really going to miss this place, and stop pretending like its all good.

I still miss the place so very much, and I tell at least ONE PERSON from Brunei this every DAY. But to recount....the one time I cried before the Airport about leaving Brunei was when Useni Aunty (my dance teacher) held my hands and cried.....then I sat in the car and sobbed for 15 minutes unceasingly.

Aunty, I miss you so much, and thank you for your dance classes: they made not much difference to my FIGURE, but possibly the BIGGEST difference to my core being: you gave me friendship, camaraderie, a sound knowledge and pride of my race, and most of all, a support system that spans India, Brunei and Australia. Thanks for Nazmi and Divs and Parks, because without you, I wouldn't have them.

I need to admit that to you, I'm being a damned hypocrite.

Teo, this was about you. I've already apologized for the absolute godawful way I treated you in F5. You DID do some hurtful things, but I did my part by refusing to swallow my pride and forgive you for them. I'm sorry, man, I didn't understand what I do now: That we all carry around a heartbreaking, secret hell inside our heads, and yours was pretty damn big. I miss ya man, and I don't say this enough: You taught me more about forgiveness and acceptance just by letting me be the opposite to you for awhile. Thanks, because I don't think you'll ever FULLY understand why you're right up there with some of my other guys as being one of the Golden Standards. You'd be THE Golden Standard if you weren't so damn unhappy and could love yourself a little more.

I need to admit that right now, I'm feeling REALLY insecure because I'm starting to believe what they want me to believe.

Mom and dad, CLEARLY! ;) They wanted me to stop talking so much, and we argued a LOT on this point: that I talked too much, too fast, too loud, and in front of people too.

I suddenly realized, JUST this year, that for all their promises of unpopularity and dislike and people bitching about me behind my short back and my friend's parents considering me a bad influence...........,

That I've never actually been UNPOPULAR or DISLIKED, except when I was doing EXACTLY what they told me to do: Shut up, quieten down, squash your personality, and be a good girl. I'm happy being me, and if I've gotten friends like Mala, Jas, Naz, Sarah, Fel, Clint, Josh, Teo, Lyn, Divs, Parks, Tash and my other amazing, loyal friends by being a loud, tryhard clownlike weirdface.....

Then loud, tryhard clownlike weirdface I stay!!!! AMEN TO THAT!

I need to admit that I LIKE YOU BUT I CAN'T TELL YOU, GODDAMNIT.

And this one, I'll keep to myself. But I HAVE realized one thing about this particular guy: I never had a crush on him. Instead, I had the startlingly mature realization that I could honestly marry this guy and be the happiest, most content woman alive. I think we BOTH brought out a lot of good in each other, and really, what more do you need? It wasn't even love, it was something far, far greater: stability. You can engineer the former, not the latter. Argue with me on this, please?


SOOOOO that's where we are!!! Maybe I'm not as innocent or optimistic or carefree as I used to be, but I'm still the same person. I'm still full of joy and full of promise and full of childish hopes and dreams....

Except that NOW, they're drawn in ink, not in crayon.

And again, I'll say it: All is right with the world tonight!!!

Queen Sana at 1:17 AM
3 comments

Well, here you go, then.

I feel like a HYPOCRITE for closing my eyes and stretching out my arm when in my head, I'm thinking, "What the hell, I don't seem to remember how to do this?"

I feel like a RETARD for clapping like a moron, when clearly, I've lost all desire to clap with joy.

I feel ENVY of those people sitting in the front over there, the ones jumping up and down. I used to be like them, once, didn't I?

I feel ASHAMED, because my 12 year old cousin is more into this whole "god" thing than I am.

I feel LOST, because I know what it is like to be FOUND, but then lost it again.

I feel ANGER at them for having it, when somehow I can't remember that feeling of intense spirituality.

I feel EMPTY because I'm standing in church, singing some songs I don't really understand, and all I can think about is, "I can't hear my own voice, this place is LOUD."

I feel JEALOUS of those people sitting in the front, who are now holding each OTHER and praying. Didn't that used to be me, Laurice, Grace, Larissa, Chloe, all my other girls and guys from YDM?

I feel GUILTY because I stepped into a CHURCH, and the first thing I thought was, "Hey, the lead singer is REALLY cute."

But mostly.....

I feel an overwhelming sense of LONGING, because I know that somewhere along the line, I HAD God. I did. I really did, and I was really happy. I long for that feeling, for that fellowship, for that joy SO complete, that nothing: grades, popularity, compliments, jewellery, shopping, India, cousins, family, books, cute babies and feeling needed.......

Could ever replace.

I think I've said before that I was scared of losing God.

Well, no fear of THAT anymore, right?

Because it's STUPID to be scared of losing something YOU'VE ALREADY LOST.

Queen Sana at 12:00 AM
2 comments

Don't answer that if you value our friendship.

But I've FINALLY decided to jump on the bandwagon and produce a list of uninteresting things I'm going to get done in 2007, a week after it's begun.

Sue me, I've been in India floating on a cloud of mysore pak, tiny silver boxes and cheap jewellery.

SO HERE WE GO!!


SanaBanana MatMat's Top Ten Wannaccomplishments, twoKsev

10) To study and not just pretend I study, so the cute smart guy in my class will love me and realize that HE'S a short smartass, I'M a short smartass, so clearly we're meant to be.

Oh yeah, and the whole Ace HSC-make parents proud-get into asskicking uni-become a doctor-cure cancer thing too.

9) To read more QUALITY books and no more BS like JD Salinger's The Catcher In The Rye. Bitch and backlash all you want, but really, why not just read a REALLY long, REALLY horny descriptive essay??

8) To get closer to god, and I shall not make any funny comments for fear of blasphemy and eternal damnation to the fiery pits of hell. But on second thought, I'm ALREADY doing Extension 2 Maths, so how much worse could it actually get?

7) To lose a squillion kilos and become uber hot, so the cute smart guy in my class will love me and realize that's HE'S a short skinny smartass, I'M a short skinny smartass, so clearly we're meant to be.

6) To actually go three days without bitching about my parents in some way, even if he's a whiny automaton of a broken record and she's a neurotic spiteful meanface. Oh wait, did I just break that one?

5) To make up for three years of lost time with my grandma, and be her own oily braided Tamil speaking spineless submissive mouse. Not that the perfect Indian woman is LIKE that or anything.

4) To keep my sheer innocence and childlike wonder in a world where I'm utterly at a loss to say anything, but not lose the sharp edge of the already sharper-than-sharpass tongue.

3) To stop randomly peppering my words with "Ass", because it's making me sound assretarded.

2) To hope a little more, make excuses a little less, and realize that I can't do everything right all the time, but that it still doesn't hurt to try.

1) Ok, so the truth is, I only DID have like, 8 real ones, but 8 isn't a nice number, so I'm going to blab this one away and we can pretend there were ten.

Deal?

Deal.

Love and hugs, people, I hope your new year brings you as much joy and happiness as yo sorry ass deserves!

Queen Sana at 6:36 PM
3 comments