Tuesday, January 23, 2007
I Blog Too Much
Holy Persfuffety!
I passed my one year birthday and forgot all about it!
Ok, so I didn't forget.
Ok, OK, OK, So I remembered it a month ahead and set a phone reminder.
Shut up, I love this blog.
ANYWAY! SINCE I wasn't HERE on the 20th of Jan (in Sydney with family), I guess my birthday post comes three days late. And here's what I've decided to do.
"I need to admit that I really miss feeling close to God. I need to admit that what you did, and what you said, hurt a lot more than I implied. I need to admit that I'm really, really going to miss this place, and stop pretending like its all good. I need to admit that to you, I'm being a damned hypocrite. I need to admit that right now, I'm feeling REALLY insecure because I'm starting to believe what they want me to believe. I need to admit that I'm really confused. I need to admit that I don't have the answers and that I'm NOT really in control. I need to admit that I LIKE YOU BUT I CAN'T TELL YOU, GODDAMNIT."
That is an excerpt from a REALLY old blog of mine....OK, so not REALLY old...but just towards the end of 2005, I wrote that in a post. I thought it'd be fun to pick that apart and see what I feel about it NOW, and possibly even tell you what I was being sadamn cryptic about towards the end :)
I need to admit that I really miss feeling close to God.
Wow. And this was a month after the whole "reading Purpose Driven Life and feeling so great and secure in my relationship with God" phase. It....it really used to matter very much to me, didn't it? Now, I can say how much I miss it and it sounds mechanical....then it was all "OHMYGOD,I'VELOSTTHEFEELING! GETITBACK, GETITBACKNOW!" Sigh. I miss the old Me. I was a more spiritual Me with a greater capacity of pure joy! I guess I exchanged some of that for a more realistic view of the world: that God IS there and he loves me, but he DOES let bad things happen. Horrible things, too. I'm still wrestling with that one, but I know that he'll call my heart back soon.
I need to admit that what you did, and what you said, hurt a lot more than I implied.
Oh, for crap's sake. Do you know what this was about? HAHAHAHAHAHA, I walked into Pretty Fit, at the Mall on Lyn's insistence. There, then ex-crush-who-broke-my-frail-heart and now that-random-gay-kid-I-liked-once who's name we shall say is, Oh, what the hell, FLALEX worked, and he walked out of the store upon seeing me. I honestly do thank God that at some point, I started loving myself more: I've been through a LOT this year, LEAST of all flunking an English-taught class for the first time since Primary 5, and nowadays, nothing of this non-magnitude fazes me anymore.
And for the record, I DID honestly like the guy, and it DID hurt when he said what he said. I won't bitch about him because you know what? I'm SO much better than that.
I need to admit that I'm really, really going to miss this place, and stop pretending like its all good.
I still miss the place so very much, and I tell at least ONE PERSON from Brunei this every DAY. But to recount....the one time I cried before the Airport about leaving Brunei was when Useni Aunty (my dance teacher) held my hands and cried.....then I sat in the car and sobbed for 15 minutes unceasingly.
Aunty, I miss you so much, and thank you for your dance classes: they made not much difference to my FIGURE, but possibly the BIGGEST difference to my core being: you gave me friendship, camaraderie, a sound knowledge and pride of my race, and most of all, a support system that spans India, Brunei and Australia. Thanks for Nazmi and Divs and Parks, because without you, I wouldn't have them.
I need to admit that to you, I'm being a damned hypocrite.
Teo, this was about you. I've already apologized for the absolute godawful way I treated you in F5. You DID do some hurtful things, but I did my part by refusing to swallow my pride and forgive you for them. I'm sorry, man, I didn't understand what I do now: That we all carry around a heartbreaking, secret hell inside our heads, and yours was pretty damn big. I miss ya man, and I don't say this enough: You taught me more about forgiveness and acceptance just by letting me be the opposite to you for awhile. Thanks, because I don't think you'll ever FULLY understand why you're right up there with some of my other guys as being one of the Golden Standards. You'd be THE Golden Standard if you weren't so damn unhappy and could love yourself a little more.
I need to admit that right now, I'm feeling REALLY insecure because I'm starting to believe what they want me to believe.
Mom and dad, CLEARLY! ;) They wanted me to stop talking so much, and we argued a LOT on this point: that I talked too much, too fast, too loud, and in front of people too.
I suddenly realized, JUST this year, that for all their promises of unpopularity and dislike and people bitching about me behind my short back and my friend's parents considering me a bad influence...........,
That I've never actually been UNPOPULAR or DISLIKED, except when I was doing EXACTLY what they told me to do: Shut up, quieten down, squash your personality, and be a good girl. I'm happy being me, and if I've gotten friends like Mala, Jas, Naz, Sarah, Fel, Clint, Josh, Teo, Lyn, Divs, Parks, Tash and my other amazing, loyal friends by being a loud, tryhard clownlike weirdface.....
Then loud, tryhard clownlike weirdface I stay!!!! AMEN TO THAT!
I need to admit that I LIKE YOU BUT I CAN'T TELL YOU, GODDAMNIT.
And this one, I'll keep to myself. But I HAVE realized one thing about this particular guy: I never had a crush on him. Instead, I had the startlingly mature realization that I could honestly marry this guy and be the happiest, most content woman alive. I think we BOTH brought out a lot of good in each other, and really, what more do you need? It wasn't even love, it was something far, far greater: stability. You can engineer the former, not the latter. Argue with me on this, please?
SOOOOO that's where we are!!! Maybe I'm not as innocent or optimistic or carefree as I used to be, but I'm still the same person. I'm still full of joy and full of promise and full of childish hopes and dreams....
Except that NOW, they're drawn in ink, not in crayon.
And again, I'll say it: All is right with the world tonight!!!
I passed my one year birthday and forgot all about it!
Ok, so I didn't forget.
Ok, OK, OK, So I remembered it a month ahead and set a phone reminder.
Shut up, I love this blog.
ANYWAY! SINCE I wasn't HERE on the 20th of Jan (in Sydney with family), I guess my birthday post comes three days late. And here's what I've decided to do.
"I need to admit that I really miss feeling close to God. I need to admit that what you did, and what you said, hurt a lot more than I implied. I need to admit that I'm really, really going to miss this place, and stop pretending like its all good. I need to admit that to you, I'm being a damned hypocrite. I need to admit that right now, I'm feeling REALLY insecure because I'm starting to believe what they want me to believe. I need to admit that I'm really confused. I need to admit that I don't have the answers and that I'm NOT really in control. I need to admit that I LIKE YOU BUT I CAN'T TELL YOU, GODDAMNIT."
That is an excerpt from a REALLY old blog of mine....OK, so not REALLY old...but just towards the end of 2005, I wrote that in a post. I thought it'd be fun to pick that apart and see what I feel about it NOW, and possibly even tell you what I was being sadamn cryptic about towards the end :)
I need to admit that I really miss feeling close to God.
Wow. And this was a month after the whole "reading Purpose Driven Life and feeling so great and secure in my relationship with God" phase. It....it really used to matter very much to me, didn't it? Now, I can say how much I miss it and it sounds mechanical....then it was all "OHMYGOD,I'VELOSTTHEFEELING! GETITBACK, GETITBACKNOW!" Sigh. I miss the old Me. I was a more spiritual Me with a greater capacity of pure joy! I guess I exchanged some of that for a more realistic view of the world: that God IS there and he loves me, but he DOES let bad things happen. Horrible things, too. I'm still wrestling with that one, but I know that he'll call my heart back soon.
I need to admit that what you did, and what you said, hurt a lot more than I implied.
Oh, for crap's sake. Do you know what this was about? HAHAHAHAHAHA, I walked into Pretty Fit, at the Mall on Lyn's insistence. There, then ex-crush-who-broke-my-frail-heart and now that-random-gay-kid-I-liked-once who's name we shall say is, Oh, what the hell, FLALEX worked, and he walked out of the store upon seeing me. I honestly do thank God that at some point, I started loving myself more: I've been through a LOT this year, LEAST of all flunking an English-taught class for the first time since Primary 5, and nowadays, nothing of this non-magnitude fazes me anymore.
And for the record, I DID honestly like the guy, and it DID hurt when he said what he said. I won't bitch about him because you know what? I'm SO much better than that.
I need to admit that I'm really, really going to miss this place, and stop pretending like its all good.
I still miss the place so very much, and I tell at least ONE PERSON from Brunei this every DAY. But to recount....the one time I cried before the Airport about leaving Brunei was when Useni Aunty (my dance teacher) held my hands and cried.....then I sat in the car and sobbed for 15 minutes unceasingly.
Aunty, I miss you so much, and thank you for your dance classes: they made not much difference to my FIGURE, but possibly the BIGGEST difference to my core being: you gave me friendship, camaraderie, a sound knowledge and pride of my race, and most of all, a support system that spans India, Brunei and Australia. Thanks for Nazmi and Divs and Parks, because without you, I wouldn't have them.
I need to admit that to you, I'm being a damned hypocrite.
Teo, this was about you. I've already apologized for the absolute godawful way I treated you in F5. You DID do some hurtful things, but I did my part by refusing to swallow my pride and forgive you for them. I'm sorry, man, I didn't understand what I do now: That we all carry around a heartbreaking, secret hell inside our heads, and yours was pretty damn big. I miss ya man, and I don't say this enough: You taught me more about forgiveness and acceptance just by letting me be the opposite to you for awhile. Thanks, because I don't think you'll ever FULLY understand why you're right up there with some of my other guys as being one of the Golden Standards. You'd be THE Golden Standard if you weren't so damn unhappy and could love yourself a little more.
I need to admit that right now, I'm feeling REALLY insecure because I'm starting to believe what they want me to believe.
Mom and dad, CLEARLY! ;) They wanted me to stop talking so much, and we argued a LOT on this point: that I talked too much, too fast, too loud, and in front of people too.
I suddenly realized, JUST this year, that for all their promises of unpopularity and dislike and people bitching about me behind my short back and my friend's parents considering me a bad influence...........,
That I've never actually been UNPOPULAR or DISLIKED, except when I was doing EXACTLY what they told me to do: Shut up, quieten down, squash your personality, and be a good girl. I'm happy being me, and if I've gotten friends like Mala, Jas, Naz, Sarah, Fel, Clint, Josh, Teo, Lyn, Divs, Parks, Tash and my other amazing, loyal friends by being a loud, tryhard clownlike weirdface.....
Then loud, tryhard clownlike weirdface I stay!!!! AMEN TO THAT!
I need to admit that I LIKE YOU BUT I CAN'T TELL YOU, GODDAMNIT.
And this one, I'll keep to myself. But I HAVE realized one thing about this particular guy: I never had a crush on him. Instead, I had the startlingly mature realization that I could honestly marry this guy and be the happiest, most content woman alive. I think we BOTH brought out a lot of good in each other, and really, what more do you need? It wasn't even love, it was something far, far greater: stability. You can engineer the former, not the latter. Argue with me on this, please?
SOOOOO that's where we are!!! Maybe I'm not as innocent or optimistic or carefree as I used to be, but I'm still the same person. I'm still full of joy and full of promise and full of childish hopes and dreams....
Except that NOW, they're drawn in ink, not in crayon.
And again, I'll say it: All is right with the world tonight!!!
Queen Sana at 1:17 AM
