Well, here you go, then.

I feel like a HYPOCRITE for closing my eyes and stretching out my arm when in my head, I'm thinking, "What the hell, I don't seem to remember how to do this?"

I feel like a RETARD for clapping like a moron, when clearly, I've lost all desire to clap with joy.

I feel ENVY of those people sitting in the front over there, the ones jumping up and down. I used to be like them, once, didn't I?

I feel ASHAMED, because my 12 year old cousin is more into this whole "god" thing than I am.

I feel LOST, because I know what it is like to be FOUND, but then lost it again.

I feel ANGER at them for having it, when somehow I can't remember that feeling of intense spirituality.

I feel EMPTY because I'm standing in church, singing some songs I don't really understand, and all I can think about is, "I can't hear my own voice, this place is LOUD."

I feel JEALOUS of those people sitting in the front, who are now holding each OTHER and praying. Didn't that used to be me, Laurice, Grace, Larissa, Chloe, all my other girls and guys from YDM?

I feel GUILTY because I stepped into a CHURCH, and the first thing I thought was, "Hey, the lead singer is REALLY cute."

But mostly.....

I feel an overwhelming sense of LONGING, because I know that somewhere along the line, I HAD God. I did. I really did, and I was really happy. I long for that feeling, for that fellowship, for that joy SO complete, that nothing: grades, popularity, compliments, jewellery, shopping, India, cousins, family, books, cute babies and feeling needed.......

Could ever replace.

I think I've said before that I was scared of losing God.

Well, no fear of THAT anymore, right?

Because it's STUPID to be scared of losing something YOU'VE ALREADY LOST.

Queen Sana at 12:00 AM