Wednesday, February 28, 2007
It's Official: Sorry, Mr. Clarke!!
I'm dropping Economics.
Which is SUCH a ruddy depressing scenario! Because it means, 1) I COULDN'T deal with the extra subject I marched into with faith, 2) I NOW have to be a pariah and my alREADY female-drained eco class is now ANOTHER girl short, 3) I'm staying with a subject I've begun to hate because it's easy, 4) I now see The Crush Boy once less and 5) Now Daz Herrero WILL be first in it, and if someone does beat him, it won't be me.
But you know what? Despite reasons to be less than thrilled with my decision, this means I can start working HARDER, pumping in more hours into the other subjects. I love school, and let's face it: I only love Economics for Mr. Clarke because he's the ONLY teacher on par with Mrs. Han (as we all know by now, my golden standard).
Sigh...I'm so sorry, Signor Clarke, you're SO frickin awesome. But let's face it: Not even Queen Sana, The Great, can do everything. I do need to read a book, I do need to sit in my massage chair, I do need to watch some TV. And with your extra subject, despite the fact that you turned a drywall subject into something I actually enjoy, I just can't do it. I WANT to get into Medicine. And I'd rather be the Eco Quitting Doctor Girl than the 14 Unit Chick Doing Something She SETTLED For.
Which reminds me, Ms-Chemistry-Teacher-Who-Might-As-Well-Not-Be-There, don't give yourself airs, the ONLY reason I'm staying with you is (because you hugged me when I topped your class and you're a NICE person!) because Mr. Clarke's Bruneian counterpoint already TAUGHT me this stuff!! Khuh!!!
Which is SUCH a ruddy depressing scenario! Because it means, 1) I COULDN'T deal with the extra subject I marched into with faith, 2) I NOW have to be a pariah and my alREADY female-drained eco class is now ANOTHER girl short, 3) I'm staying with a subject I've begun to hate because it's easy, 4) I now see The Crush Boy once less and 5) Now Daz Herrero WILL be first in it, and if someone does beat him, it won't be me.
But you know what? Despite reasons to be less than thrilled with my decision, this means I can start working HARDER, pumping in more hours into the other subjects. I love school, and let's face it: I only love Economics for Mr. Clarke because he's the ONLY teacher on par with Mrs. Han (as we all know by now, my golden standard).
Sigh...I'm so sorry, Signor Clarke, you're SO frickin awesome. But let's face it: Not even Queen Sana, The Great, can do everything. I do need to read a book, I do need to sit in my massage chair, I do need to watch some TV. And with your extra subject, despite the fact that you turned a drywall subject into something I actually enjoy, I just can't do it. I WANT to get into Medicine. And I'd rather be the Eco Quitting Doctor Girl than the 14 Unit Chick Doing Something She SETTLED For.
Which reminds me, Ms-Chemistry-Teacher-Who-Might-As-Well-Not-Be-There, don't give yourself airs, the ONLY reason I'm staying with you is (because you hugged me when I topped your class and you're a NICE person!) because Mr. Clarke's Bruneian counterpoint already TAUGHT me this stuff!! Khuh!!!
Monday, February 26, 2007
Those Were The Best Days Of Our Lives.....
None of us is actually happy, you know.
We tell you when we call you and email you and message you that ALL IS GOOD, that EVERYTHING'S FINE, that we're THRILLED and COPING and and and.....
And everything that a normal, mature, responsible, intelligent home-leaver is supposed to be: happy, dealing with it, moving on.
But here's what's happening instead.
India has ruined, perhaps forever, my best friend's spirit and I'm TERRIFIED she's not going be the same, ever again. I have this horrible feeling that the girl who's picture is on my folder (us "fighting" over Jollibee, her Model shot, her looking slightly doped while Parki hugs her looking sinister)....that she's gone. That she's.....gone.
Sarah appears to hate the Phils, and from what I hear, it's not treating her so good. She's become hyper competitive, which is a good thing I guess, but it's also worrying her sick now, about what people will think of her if she fails, what people will say if she doesn't nail everything every time. The Phils has changed my sweet, sensitive girl. She has this new streak of competitiveness and drive that's making her push herself ridiculously hard and get so very disappointed those times it doesn't work.
Jas is doing her thing, and seems sort of happy, but she's not. Let's just say I know why, because I know HER, and especially in light of recent events, I wouldn't say she's particularly thrilled to be there either.
Teo? Josh? Parki? Divs?
Why are we all so unhappy, lost, alone, homesick?
Brunei really WAS the best time of my life.....it was a time of definite trials. But it was a time of character building and such deep friendships and love and laughter and camaraderie and disputes and debates and most of all, a sense that you REALLY do belong somewhere.
I love being here, I really do....but let's face it: we're all a bunch of sheltered, home-loving kids who were unleashed upon a world we can't begin to fathom....a world that scares the living sh*t out of us and I don't think any of us knows how to deal with it.
As for me? Hah.
Has ANY of you, from PERSONAL experience, ever seen me worry, REALLY worry about not reaching my goals? Wasn't I the one who always, always seemed to be filled with fresh hope and inspiration and promise? I bitched, whined and backlashed about ALL subjects and ALL school, but I never actually BELIEVED that I couldn't do it. Wasn't that me?! I don't recognize parts of this new girl....I remember a girl called Queen Sana with her band of merry followers, friends, family and folk.....she lived in a place called Brunei and I think she left her heart there.
This new girl? She's mostly the same, and she's PROUD of not changing much....but she's started to be FILLED with so much self doubt that she doesn't know how to deal anymore.
I don't know how to deal anymore. I feel completely stupid, useless, untalented, and like the biggest waste of potential to walk the earth. SOMEWHERE, SOMEWHERE deep in the crevasses of my BRAIN sounds loud bells, full of pomp and circumstance, that chime "SHUT UP AND SNAP OUT OF THIS, HO! You are SMARTER than Tyler, you are SMARTER than Nick, you are SMARTER than Jarrod, and even if you're NOT (Which you know you ARE, ho!), FAKE IT! BELIEVE IT AND IT WILL BE SO!!!!"
I used to believe in EVERYTHING, and so nothing seemed out of reach. Now I can't even bring myself to believe in me.
I miss her....I miss her so much. I wonder if this is a natural next step and if this bit has just been a hard turn for me and it'll all be OK...
But who am I kidding? The fact of the matter is, I'm completely and utterly lost and I don't know where to find me.
We tell you when we call you and email you and message you that ALL IS GOOD, that EVERYTHING'S FINE, that we're THRILLED and COPING and and and.....
And everything that a normal, mature, responsible, intelligent home-leaver is supposed to be: happy, dealing with it, moving on.
But here's what's happening instead.
India has ruined, perhaps forever, my best friend's spirit and I'm TERRIFIED she's not going be the same, ever again. I have this horrible feeling that the girl who's picture is on my folder (us "fighting" over Jollibee, her Model shot, her looking slightly doped while Parki hugs her looking sinister)....that she's gone. That she's.....gone.
Sarah appears to hate the Phils, and from what I hear, it's not treating her so good. She's become hyper competitive, which is a good thing I guess, but it's also worrying her sick now, about what people will think of her if she fails, what people will say if she doesn't nail everything every time. The Phils has changed my sweet, sensitive girl. She has this new streak of competitiveness and drive that's making her push herself ridiculously hard and get so very disappointed those times it doesn't work.
Jas is doing her thing, and seems sort of happy, but she's not. Let's just say I know why, because I know HER, and especially in light of recent events, I wouldn't say she's particularly thrilled to be there either.
Teo? Josh? Parki? Divs?
Why are we all so unhappy, lost, alone, homesick?
Brunei really WAS the best time of my life.....it was a time of definite trials. But it was a time of character building and such deep friendships and love and laughter and camaraderie and disputes and debates and most of all, a sense that you REALLY do belong somewhere.
I love being here, I really do....but let's face it: we're all a bunch of sheltered, home-loving kids who were unleashed upon a world we can't begin to fathom....a world that scares the living sh*t out of us and I don't think any of us knows how to deal with it.
As for me? Hah.
Has ANY of you, from PERSONAL experience, ever seen me worry, REALLY worry about not reaching my goals? Wasn't I the one who always, always seemed to be filled with fresh hope and inspiration and promise? I bitched, whined and backlashed about ALL subjects and ALL school, but I never actually BELIEVED that I couldn't do it. Wasn't that me?! I don't recognize parts of this new girl....I remember a girl called Queen Sana with her band of merry followers, friends, family and folk.....she lived in a place called Brunei and I think she left her heart there.
This new girl? She's mostly the same, and she's PROUD of not changing much....but she's started to be FILLED with so much self doubt that she doesn't know how to deal anymore.
I don't know how to deal anymore. I feel completely stupid, useless, untalented, and like the biggest waste of potential to walk the earth. SOMEWHERE, SOMEWHERE deep in the crevasses of my BRAIN sounds loud bells, full of pomp and circumstance, that chime "SHUT UP AND SNAP OUT OF THIS, HO! You are SMARTER than Tyler, you are SMARTER than Nick, you are SMARTER than Jarrod, and even if you're NOT (Which you know you ARE, ho!), FAKE IT! BELIEVE IT AND IT WILL BE SO!!!!"
I used to believe in EVERYTHING, and so nothing seemed out of reach. Now I can't even bring myself to believe in me.
I miss her....I miss her so much. I wonder if this is a natural next step and if this bit has just been a hard turn for me and it'll all be OK...
But who am I kidding? The fact of the matter is, I'm completely and utterly lost and I don't know where to find me.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Achi
1997
A seven year old sits on the floor, staring up wide-eyed at the short, sturdy matriarch. She opens her mouth obediently and, inexpertly and inelegantly, accepts the rice with a bit of meat in the centre that the old lady has rolled into a ball.
She was really, really tired from school, and she'd fallen over in the playground. Her knee had a bruise on it and it hurt, real bad. But somehow, getting fed the rice, yoghurt and that special bit of meat in the centre, calmed her.
Her grandma finished the meal as she always did: by scooping the last of the now curry-flavoured yoghurt, her favourite part and skimming her fingers on the side of the plate. In a final move, she would run two fingers along the side of the plate and drop the yoghurt into her grandchild's mouth. Then, she'd say, "Thank god!"
As she watched the great wrinkly face, she knew this ritual would last forever.
2007
An almost 17-year old sits on the floor, staring up wide-eyed at the short, sturdy matriarch, who's height she's managed to surpass, finally, after 10 years. She opens her mouth obediently, this time a seasoned pro at deftly catching and chewing the bolus (a word she knows, now), still with the surprisingly tender bit of beef in the centre, like a present wrapped in curd rice.
She was really, really tired from school, and she'd just gotten braces. They really hurt, and her mouth was tender and sore from where the metal had bruised and cut. But somehow, getting fed the rice, yoghurt and that special bit of meat in the centre, calmed her.
The special time ended the same way it always did, with the little old lady, now 83, scooping up the yoghurt and feeding it to the child, only the child was a child no longer. And with a great huff, she got up off the bed and said, "Thank God!"
And as she looked up at the great wrinkly face, she knew this ritual would last forever.
I love you, Achi.
A seven year old sits on the floor, staring up wide-eyed at the short, sturdy matriarch. She opens her mouth obediently and, inexpertly and inelegantly, accepts the rice with a bit of meat in the centre that the old lady has rolled into a ball.
She was really, really tired from school, and she'd fallen over in the playground. Her knee had a bruise on it and it hurt, real bad. But somehow, getting fed the rice, yoghurt and that special bit of meat in the centre, calmed her.
Her grandma finished the meal as she always did: by scooping the last of the now curry-flavoured yoghurt, her favourite part and skimming her fingers on the side of the plate. In a final move, she would run two fingers along the side of the plate and drop the yoghurt into her grandchild's mouth. Then, she'd say, "Thank god!"
As she watched the great wrinkly face, she knew this ritual would last forever.
2007
An almost 17-year old sits on the floor, staring up wide-eyed at the short, sturdy matriarch, who's height she's managed to surpass, finally, after 10 years. She opens her mouth obediently, this time a seasoned pro at deftly catching and chewing the bolus (a word she knows, now), still with the surprisingly tender bit of beef in the centre, like a present wrapped in curd rice.
She was really, really tired from school, and she'd just gotten braces. They really hurt, and her mouth was tender and sore from where the metal had bruised and cut. But somehow, getting fed the rice, yoghurt and that special bit of meat in the centre, calmed her.
The special time ended the same way it always did, with the little old lady, now 83, scooping up the yoghurt and feeding it to the child, only the child was a child no longer. And with a great huff, she got up off the bed and said, "Thank God!"
And as she looked up at the great wrinkly face, she knew this ritual would last forever.
I love you, Achi.
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Fat Girl With Soul
Ok, so that's just a headline.
You know what? For the last, at least 5, most likely 7 years, I've been obsessed with my weight. Obsessed with calories and counting and weight loss and exercise.
Well, recently, I did the whole LOVE YOURSELF AND FREE YOURSELF thing. ANYONE who's known me for more than 6 minutes knows how much I used to hate my weight at one point, with diets and gyms and everything. But you know what I'm realizing NOW?
That being SO proud of being NORMAL now has possibly stolen my conscience. Much as I HATED being freakchild-who-hates-her-mirror-image, I'm not thrilled with this new me either: I'm HAPPIER about my image and I really do believe that I can DO this, and I'm thrilled that I've so called "Freed" myself....but I've begun to slide.
And so, for the benefit of me and every other female who has at one point disliked her body, I will say this now: I WILL NOT BECOME THAT GIRL. I will NOT become that fat girl who goes, "Oh, I'm only a kilo heavier than I was last month, which is only 3 kilos heavier than I was the month before, which is only 5 kilos heavier than what I was six months ago." Because NOBODY wants to be that girl. No matter HOW much we talk of loving ourselves....
NOTHING justifies a lack of conscience!!! Not prior unhealthy habits, not emotional issues, nothing.
So here I print in black and white, I'm going to lose these extra kilos the HEALTHY way, but I'm CERTAINLY not going to make allowances for myself. I can't afford to, because what people NEED is a combination of the two extremes: the SELF-LOVE to not resort to throwing up your food or starving yourself, and the DISCIPLINE of an anorexic.
And AMEN to that, I hereby dub thee Fat Girl With Soul!!!!!
You know what? For the last, at least 5, most likely 7 years, I've been obsessed with my weight. Obsessed with calories and counting and weight loss and exercise.
Well, recently, I did the whole LOVE YOURSELF AND FREE YOURSELF thing. ANYONE who's known me for more than 6 minutes knows how much I used to hate my weight at one point, with diets and gyms and everything. But you know what I'm realizing NOW?
That being SO proud of being NORMAL now has possibly stolen my conscience. Much as I HATED being freakchild-who-hates-her-mirror-image, I'm not thrilled with this new me either: I'm HAPPIER about my image and I really do believe that I can DO this, and I'm thrilled that I've so called "Freed" myself....but I've begun to slide.
And so, for the benefit of me and every other female who has at one point disliked her body, I will say this now: I WILL NOT BECOME THAT GIRL. I will NOT become that fat girl who goes, "Oh, I'm only a kilo heavier than I was last month, which is only 3 kilos heavier than I was the month before, which is only 5 kilos heavier than what I was six months ago." Because NOBODY wants to be that girl. No matter HOW much we talk of loving ourselves....
NOTHING justifies a lack of conscience!!! Not prior unhealthy habits, not emotional issues, nothing.
So here I print in black and white, I'm going to lose these extra kilos the HEALTHY way, but I'm CERTAINLY not going to make allowances for myself. I can't afford to, because what people NEED is a combination of the two extremes: the SELF-LOVE to not resort to throwing up your food or starving yourself, and the DISCIPLINE of an anorexic.
And AMEN to that, I hereby dub thee Fat Girl With Soul!!!!!
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Fragrance
The other day, I made a rather uncharitable comment about someone I know while discussing love (yet again) with my sister."She's SO needy it's not even funny. It's like, someone will sniff the air and go, "Hey, do you smell Desperate?" "Yeah, X must have walked in.""
Yes, yes I KNOW, IT WAS HORRIBLE. But don't worry, Karma's bitten me in the ass in the form of the stupid pain from the stupid surgery.
But while polishing me bitchskills, I realized something vastly important: We ALL reek of desperation.Of all of us in Singledom, most of us aren't thrilled about it and whether you want to admit it or not, you are ALWAYS on the lookout, always wary, always watching, for The One. It's how we disguise it that makes us what we are.
See, some people cover their desperation by spraying on something called Confidence. It may not come in a wonderfully colourful or pretty bottle, but my GOD. When you open that bottle, the scent is intoxicating: it smells of big smiles and sunshine, chocolate and swagger, happiness and charisma. But here's the catch: it doesn't last too long. At the end of the day, many users still go home and wonder. Pine. Long. Build castles in the sky. In addition, when that special guy gets too close, he finds himself overpowered. That's the shortcoming of this scent: it's effervescent and just what you need, but it's just too strong, dare you get too close.
Another brand of people use another of my personal favourites: Angst. Like her twin scent Confidence, Angst is very popular. It smells quite similar to Confidence as well, but with undertones of bitterness. Users exude peppery personae, confident and seemingly happy, but pride themselves on how bitchy they can be. Unbeknownst to the majority of people, Angst only smells so good because she's seemingly untouchable. Users are often surrounded by potential suitors, many of them lovesick, but again, the problem arises when they get too close. The bitterness and underlying unhappiness of the perfume eventually eats its way through the relationship, deeming it unstable.
A different scent altogether is Indifference. What's so interesting about this scent is, it appears to have no fragrance at all. Indeed, Indifference's only job seems to be to mask the desperation. It is completely neutral, and users, for some reason, feel a decided drop in temperature. And it's not just them! People around them often describe this delightfully deceptive scent as "icy", "cool", "cold-shouldered". Users, however, can be wonderful people: they can have friends they care deeply about. In fact, only members of the opposite sex appear to smell Indifference on them....their own friends find them warm and loving.
Finally, a last common one: Loathing. People who use this scent often find it works wonderfully as a repellant. It smells quite awful: of anger and hatred and self-destruction, but it applies to everyone. People who opt for this fragrance often find themselves with very few friends. A recent survery conducted among users showed that many of them had been hurt very badly in the past, and simply decided never again. What IS interesting though, is that people who DO adopt this scent pull it off perfectly for a few years...but then they actually stop needing it. It's almost as if the perfume becomes second nature to them, and their own bodies can fake that self-hatred.
What's your scent?
Sunday, February 04, 2007
So, Here's The Deal.....
1) I look like a mixture of Hanuman, a camel, and the long lost link between man and ape because the surgical scar hasn't healed yet,
2) I'm enormously behind on English homework,
3) I'm accepting that Daz IS smarter than me,
4) Rachel's leaving really soon,
5) I might have scared off a good friend by telling her all that was wrong with me,
6) I realize that everything I TOLD her was in fact true, and that I CAN in fact be an awful person,
7) I'm not actually following my study sked, and I'm telling myself it's because Rachel's here, but I'm ACTUALLY scared that I'm just lazy and this isn't going to work for me,
8) Aforementioned surgical stitches might be bleeding and I'm TERRIFIED I might have broken one,
But ya know what?
I'm happier than I've EVER been!!!!! I don't know what this is, but I'm suddenly enveloped with an enormous sense of contentment and, aw hell, PEACE!!!!!
I don't even know WHY I've been so deprezzled-like for the last little while! Maybe it took me awhile to adjust to leaving Brunei, maybe I was scared of non-acceptance, maybe I was scared of losing myself, but whatever it was, it's all...done! Gone! Finished!!!
And thank the Lord, NOW I can go back and be this person again:
(From what Stephen Chin wrote on my camp folder two and a half years ago,)
"I love the joy that you got!"
Yes, Stephen, you did. And you know what? I think I do too!!!!!
2) I'm enormously behind on English homework,
3) I'm accepting that Daz IS smarter than me,
4) Rachel's leaving really soon,
5) I might have scared off a good friend by telling her all that was wrong with me,
6) I realize that everything I TOLD her was in fact true, and that I CAN in fact be an awful person,
7) I'm not actually following my study sked, and I'm telling myself it's because Rachel's here, but I'm ACTUALLY scared that I'm just lazy and this isn't going to work for me,
8) Aforementioned surgical stitches might be bleeding and I'm TERRIFIED I might have broken one,
But ya know what?
I'm happier than I've EVER been!!!!! I don't know what this is, but I'm suddenly enveloped with an enormous sense of contentment and, aw hell, PEACE!!!!!
I don't even know WHY I've been so deprezzled-like for the last little while! Maybe it took me awhile to adjust to leaving Brunei, maybe I was scared of non-acceptance, maybe I was scared of losing myself, but whatever it was, it's all...done! Gone! Finished!!!
And thank the Lord, NOW I can go back and be this person again:
(From what Stephen Chin wrote on my camp folder two and a half years ago,)
"I love the joy that you got!"
Yes, Stephen, you did. And you know what? I think I do too!!!!!