None of us is actually happy, you know.

We tell you when we call you and email you and message you that ALL IS GOOD, that EVERYTHING'S FINE, that we're THRILLED and COPING and and and.....

And everything that a normal, mature, responsible, intelligent home-leaver is supposed to be: happy, dealing with it, moving on.

But here's what's happening instead.

India has ruined, perhaps forever, my best friend's spirit and I'm TERRIFIED she's not going be the same, ever again. I have this horrible feeling that the girl who's picture is on my folder (us "fighting" over Jollibee, her Model shot, her looking slightly doped while Parki hugs her looking sinister)....that she's gone. That she's.....gone.

Sarah appears to hate the Phils, and from what I hear, it's not treating her so good. She's become hyper competitive, which is a good thing I guess, but it's also worrying her sick now, about what people will think of her if she fails, what people will say if she doesn't nail everything every time. The Phils has changed my sweet, sensitive girl. She has this new streak of competitiveness and drive that's making her push herself ridiculously hard and get so very disappointed those times it doesn't work.

Jas is doing her thing, and seems sort of happy, but she's not. Let's just say I know why, because I know HER, and especially in light of recent events, I wouldn't say she's particularly thrilled to be there either.

Teo? Josh? Parki? Divs?

Why are we all so unhappy, lost, alone, homesick?

Brunei really WAS the best time of my life.....it was a time of definite trials. But it was a time of character building and such deep friendships and love and laughter and camaraderie and disputes and debates and most of all, a sense that you REALLY do belong somewhere.

I love being here, I really do....but let's face it: we're all a bunch of sheltered, home-loving kids who were unleashed upon a world we can't begin to fathom....a world that scares the living sh*t out of us and I don't think any of us knows how to deal with it.

As for me? Hah.

Has ANY of you, from PERSONAL experience, ever seen me worry, REALLY worry about not reaching my goals? Wasn't I the one who always, always seemed to be filled with fresh hope and inspiration and promise? I bitched, whined and backlashed about ALL subjects and ALL school, but I never actually BELIEVED that I couldn't do it. Wasn't that me?! I don't recognize parts of this new girl....I remember a girl called Queen Sana with her band of merry followers, friends, family and folk.....she lived in a place called Brunei and I think she left her heart there.

This new girl? She's mostly the same, and she's PROUD of not changing much....but she's started to be FILLED with so much self doubt that she doesn't know how to deal anymore.

I don't know how to deal anymore. I feel completely stupid, useless, untalented, and like the biggest waste of potential to walk the earth. SOMEWHERE, SOMEWHERE deep in the crevasses of my BRAIN sounds loud bells, full of pomp and circumstance, that chime "SHUT UP AND SNAP OUT OF THIS, HO! You are SMARTER than Tyler, you are SMARTER than Nick, you are SMARTER than Jarrod, and even if you're NOT (Which you know you ARE, ho!), FAKE IT! BELIEVE IT AND IT WILL BE SO!!!!"

I used to believe in EVERYTHING, and so nothing seemed out of reach. Now I can't even bring myself to believe in me.

I miss her....I miss her so much. I wonder if this is a natural next step and if this bit has just been a hard turn for me and it'll all be OK...

But who am I kidding? The fact of the matter is, I'm completely and utterly lost and I don't know where to find me.

Queen Sana at 7:40 PM