She couldn't believe it. She'd started throwing up blood again, and it was THEN that she realized that she probably wasn't going to get better this time. How would she tell the kids? How would she tell their father? No...no...no...she had to be strong for them. She'd tell them sometime...just not now, it was her youngest's big recital today.....

.....and then she walked out the door, and put on her mask. "Sweetie, come ON! I've got your costume, now get in the CAR, the others are waiting!!!"

He stuck his legs out and pulled his hat down. He did NOT want her to know he was there, but damn it, somehow, she ALWAYS managed to find him. He wondered how long it would take for her to get the message. He knew what a goddamn coward he was being by trying to force her to hate him like this, but what could he do? He'd loved her at first, but TWO YEARS of this? She'd deceived him completely and then gone on suicide rampages, threatening to kill herself every time he broached the breakup. Neither of them was happy, at ALL....

.....and then she got on the bus, and he put on his mask. "Hey, honey, how was your day? I'm sorry, my back hurts today and so I really don't want to move it...could you maybe sit at the back, instead? And oh, I'm so sorry, I can't make it tonight either...something came up."

She was exhilarated. She knew she couldn't ever get in now, even if they bribed: thank GOD for this university's honest reputation. She wished she didn't have to resort to this....them and their ridiclously high expectations. Goddamnit, she didn't even WANT this course!!!!! But NO, apparently what she wanted to do didn't matter, did it? But now they'd be FORCED to listen to her.

.....and then she picked up the phone, and put on her mask. "Mom! The interview was wonderful. I answered all their questions off bat...no problems! I should, god willing, have NO problems getting in, at all!! I know...yeah?..Yeah!...Thanks for everything, mom."

He raised his hand. What a mechanical gesture this had become. He realized that he was, in effect, spitting all over a sacred process, something he used to do freely with full feeling. He used to love being in this church....love being a part of God, a part of something bigger than us all. But since...since the incident....he could NOT believe in this God anymore. He was bitter and enraged that a god who claimed to LOVE his people could let...could let something like that happen...she was only 9, for god's sake!!! He couldn't tell anyone HERE how he felt....sanctimonious fakes, all of them. And now HE'D become one.

.....and then the bridge of the song played, and he put on his mask. "Lord, I give you my heart, YES LORD.....because you are all I need."

Queen Sana at 1:38 PM