Saturday, May 26, 2007
Conductor Wannabe
I just conducted an orchestra.
No really, an ACTUAL orchestra with actual adult professional musicians.
It was for our choir mistress, because she's normally the conductor, and today she was feeling really sick, so asked me to stand in for her to conduct two ACTUAL concert orchestral pieces.
It was harrowing, and I KINDA messed the first piece up. I maintain it was HARD with the time signature change and then changing back again, but none of them were nasty to me nor did they actually SAY anything, in fact some of them even congratuated me on the mediocre conducting :D
Now, you know what? Under normal circumstances, I'd be DISTRAUGHT and in a shame spiral at this point in time. I HATE being mediocre and just generally not being above-average good at things.
But let's face it, I'm NOT a professional conductor and never will be. I am, in fact, a 17 year old girl who's only ever conducted a small school choir before. See, I've ALWAYS been used to thinking things like this, but they've never actually sunk in until today. I AM a little disappointed, but I'm just saying that, not feeling it.
I think I'm finally starting to properly ACCEPT the fact that I CAN'T do everything and that I don't need to....I just need to quietly shine in my OWN corner at things I KNOW and love, and people aren't judging me. I'm staring to trust that people have their OWN lives, their own problems, and that I should be grateful that my BIGGEST problem is that I'll never become a professional music conductor.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm actually REALLY starting to accept and love this new Sana with a slightly less inflated head :) And it feels REALLY good!!!!
(Thanks, Steph :))
No really, an ACTUAL orchestra with actual adult professional musicians.
It was for our choir mistress, because she's normally the conductor, and today she was feeling really sick, so asked me to stand in for her to conduct two ACTUAL concert orchestral pieces.
It was harrowing, and I KINDA messed the first piece up. I maintain it was HARD with the time signature change and then changing back again, but none of them were nasty to me nor did they actually SAY anything, in fact some of them even congratuated me on the mediocre conducting :D
Now, you know what? Under normal circumstances, I'd be DISTRAUGHT and in a shame spiral at this point in time. I HATE being mediocre and just generally not being above-average good at things.
But let's face it, I'm NOT a professional conductor and never will be. I am, in fact, a 17 year old girl who's only ever conducted a small school choir before. See, I've ALWAYS been used to thinking things like this, but they've never actually sunk in until today. I AM a little disappointed, but I'm just saying that, not feeling it.
I think I'm finally starting to properly ACCEPT the fact that I CAN'T do everything and that I don't need to....I just need to quietly shine in my OWN corner at things I KNOW and love, and people aren't judging me. I'm staring to trust that people have their OWN lives, their own problems, and that I should be grateful that my BIGGEST problem is that I'll never become a professional music conductor.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm actually REALLY starting to accept and love this new Sana with a slightly less inflated head :) And it feels REALLY good!!!!
(Thanks, Steph :))
Friday, May 25, 2007
Funless
Ok, yes, I'm using the D word again.
Do you know WHY I haven't been blogging as much lately?
I am really scared that somehow, things just don't inspire me anymore. I don't write poetry or stories or those mean little articles, I don't blog, I don't craft, I don't, basically, do ANYTHING that I used to love with a passion.
I'd LOVE to think I've just adapted to fit my study skedders.....but even THAT'S not working now.
I feel lazy and pointless, and like everything I do is either stupid or wrong. I wanted to start 17 on an awesome note. Instead I possibly alienated an awesome teacher, am behind on English, can't seem to study properly for the life altering exams in 5 months, am messing up a subject I love with a passion, can't make myself sound smart or funny around the guy I like, am trying to eat healthier but it's NOT quite working, have ALREADY gotten into a couple of fights with my parents that while I'm not proud of, can justify completely....
In short, I feel like I've retreated into myself ENTIRELY. Here's a list of things I used to do for fun....oh, say, 2 years ago.
Read.
Write poetry, stories and articles.
Collect coins, miniature tea sets and miniature teddy bears.
Organize my Box.
Organize my jewellery.
Make miniature books.
Play the piano.
Now I can't do ANY of those without feeling guilty that I'm not studying....and even still, I can't bring myself to study.
In theory, that's COMPLETE bullshit.
You can't just NOT STUDY, that's called being a lazy dimwit.
But here's the thing: I used to actually enjoy this stuff: studying, learning, the feeling that I was doing something productive and writing out my lists and notes and all the other lovely little things that used to make me feel clever.
Now I just don't. I blogged earlier about how there was a really super smart guy in my class.
Teo was smart, kids. I never felt that stupid around HIM, because I was so completely wrapped up in my own head that NO one could make me feel stupid or unfunny or like my opinions didn't matter. I was basically the same person....just a little less jaded and a little more confident.
Perhaps this is a good thing? I dunno...lots of stuff has happened in the last little while that have completely debased me and shaken my foundations completely....and I feel somewhat disoriented. I had an awesome birthday and so many people were so lovely about it....and yet I feel....empty.
Funless.
I feel like the FUN VACUUM!!! I've never been the FUN VACUUM before!!! Gah, SNAP out of it...!!!!!
How, my children though, do you snap out of something when you're not quite sure what it is?
Do you know WHY I haven't been blogging as much lately?
I am really scared that somehow, things just don't inspire me anymore. I don't write poetry or stories or those mean little articles, I don't blog, I don't craft, I don't, basically, do ANYTHING that I used to love with a passion.
I'd LOVE to think I've just adapted to fit my study skedders.....but even THAT'S not working now.
I feel lazy and pointless, and like everything I do is either stupid or wrong. I wanted to start 17 on an awesome note. Instead I possibly alienated an awesome teacher, am behind on English, can't seem to study properly for the life altering exams in 5 months, am messing up a subject I love with a passion, can't make myself sound smart or funny around the guy I like, am trying to eat healthier but it's NOT quite working, have ALREADY gotten into a couple of fights with my parents that while I'm not proud of, can justify completely....
In short, I feel like I've retreated into myself ENTIRELY. Here's a list of things I used to do for fun....oh, say, 2 years ago.
Read.
Write poetry, stories and articles.
Collect coins, miniature tea sets and miniature teddy bears.
Organize my Box.
Organize my jewellery.
Make miniature books.
Play the piano.
Now I can't do ANY of those without feeling guilty that I'm not studying....and even still, I can't bring myself to study.
In theory, that's COMPLETE bullshit.
You can't just NOT STUDY, that's called being a lazy dimwit.
But here's the thing: I used to actually enjoy this stuff: studying, learning, the feeling that I was doing something productive and writing out my lists and notes and all the other lovely little things that used to make me feel clever.
Now I just don't. I blogged earlier about how there was a really super smart guy in my class.
Teo was smart, kids. I never felt that stupid around HIM, because I was so completely wrapped up in my own head that NO one could make me feel stupid or unfunny or like my opinions didn't matter. I was basically the same person....just a little less jaded and a little more confident.
Perhaps this is a good thing? I dunno...lots of stuff has happened in the last little while that have completely debased me and shaken my foundations completely....and I feel somewhat disoriented. I had an awesome birthday and so many people were so lovely about it....and yet I feel....empty.
Funless.
I feel like the FUN VACUUM!!! I've never been the FUN VACUUM before!!! Gah, SNAP out of it...!!!!!
How, my children though, do you snap out of something when you're not quite sure what it is?
Friday, May 18, 2007
Happy Birthday, You Matmat You!!
Well, tomorrow, anyway!
But this is OFFICIALLY my last post as a 16 year old.
Tomorrow, I, Banana Matmat will be 17.
And it's been a weird year....there's some ENORMOUS personal crises that I went through that I can't say YET have "shaped" me. That would sound too cliche, and it's too soon. I hope in another year, or another five years, or whatever, I'll be able to look upon this year and go, "HAH, MATMAT, YOU LOSER!"......
I've also had some brilliant times this year: times when I had some GENUINE good fun and times when I was proved right. Times when people trusted me and times when I helped them out. Times I asskicked academically and times I was just as happy with lower marks.
In all, 2004, my 14th year of existence, was I think still my FAVOURITE year....
But hey, 16th didn't do so bad either ;) And I have a feeling 17th is about to trump it all: COLLEGE BEETCHES!!!!!
I'm a little scared, but hey, let's face it: it's not every day ya turn 17, is it?
But this is OFFICIALLY my last post as a 16 year old.
Tomorrow, I, Banana Matmat will be 17.
And it's been a weird year....there's some ENORMOUS personal crises that I went through that I can't say YET have "shaped" me. That would sound too cliche, and it's too soon. I hope in another year, or another five years, or whatever, I'll be able to look upon this year and go, "HAH, MATMAT, YOU LOSER!"......
I've also had some brilliant times this year: times when I had some GENUINE good fun and times when I was proved right. Times when people trusted me and times when I helped them out. Times I asskicked academically and times I was just as happy with lower marks.
In all, 2004, my 14th year of existence, was I think still my FAVOURITE year....
But hey, 16th didn't do so bad either ;) And I have a feeling 17th is about to trump it all: COLLEGE BEETCHES!!!!!
I'm a little scared, but hey, let's face it: it's not every day ya turn 17, is it?
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Stoopyd
I don't particularly like what I'm about to do.
I, Banana Matmat Jesu D am admitting, for the FIRST TIME in.....ever, that someone is actually smarter than me.
And it's NO FUN.
I KNOW how fatheaded this sounds, but the fact is, I'm NOT a dumb kid and where my brain fails me, the fat head it sits in takes over: I feel confident even if there's nothing to be confident about.
BUT YESTERDAY.......I believe I actually experienced a genius.
Ohshutupalready,it'snotthatgreatthathecanmultiplythreedigitnumbersinhishead.
It's SERIOUSLY not!!
Ok, it kinda is, and it was KINDA awesome!!!! While I don't feel BAD losing to this guy anymore, because I think he actually deserves it....
I still felt, at that moment, like the chair I was sitting on had a higher IQ than I did.
I, Banana Matmat Jesu D am admitting, for the FIRST TIME in.....ever, that someone is actually smarter than me.
And it's NO FUN.
I KNOW how fatheaded this sounds, but the fact is, I'm NOT a dumb kid and where my brain fails me, the fat head it sits in takes over: I feel confident even if there's nothing to be confident about.
BUT YESTERDAY.......I believe I actually experienced a genius.
Ohshutupalready,it'snotthatgreatthathecanmultiplythreedigitnumbersinhishead.
It's SERIOUSLY not!!
Ok, it kinda is, and it was KINDA awesome!!!! While I don't feel BAD losing to this guy anymore, because I think he actually deserves it....
I still felt, at that moment, like the chair I was sitting on had a higher IQ than I did.
Friday, May 11, 2007
C.L.O
Ok, so there's this kid right, and she FREAKS me out. She's in the choir, and she has this habit of constantly and unabashedly STARING. At me and the other senior girls in the choir. Let me describe her for you. She's a tiny little thing, in year 7, slight and skinny. She's got straight, VERY fine orange hair (it's ACTUALLY orange, not red, not titian, we're talking carrots) and glasses, and she just STARES from behind them. It gets SO unnerving, because even when you TRY to ignore her, you get the feeling she's just....staring. From the corner of your eye, you can SEE her just...STARING! IT'S CREEPY, OK?
Now, recently, we had our school social (dance lah people), and CLO (oh, by the way, that's the uncharitable nickname I bestowed upon her: it stands for Creepy Little Orange) was alone there, while all the other kids were dancing in groups. She was dancing alone and doing all these sorts of ballet poses allllll around the floor by herself, just generally having a good time but looking very slightly very odd.
The next day, while she was walking into Room 23 (two rooms down from the English Room, Room 25), she walked past my classmates who immediately guffawed, because news of Clo's slightly odd dancing had spread.
And I'm not proud of this.
But I laughed right along with them, and a couple of the senior choir girls are in my English class and we laughed about her strange choral behaviour as well. I learnt later on in the day that she was the subject of intense ragging from her own classmates, and her seniors and EVEN right up to us in the Senior Squared section.
It felt wrong even then....but I did it anyway, forgetting my OWN golden rule of NEVER ignoring the underdog.
I beg you now, people who know me, to do a little recollective work. Try to remember another tiny little kid. She had razor straight black hair, talked funny and used to talk to herself, appearing totally schizo. She had huge thick glasses, red and gold in colour, and she walked alone a lot because people made fun of her skin. I especially recollect one time at a certain (horrible) Red Crescent Dance night thing where she did her OWN version of the (in her own head) Sexy Dance and was the object of utter ridicule for an entire week.
Strange. That kid was in Form One as well...probably the exact same age as Clo.
Well, this is her now:
Now, recently, we had our school social (dance lah people), and CLO (oh, by the way, that's the uncharitable nickname I bestowed upon her: it stands for Creepy Little Orange) was alone there, while all the other kids were dancing in groups. She was dancing alone and doing all these sorts of ballet poses allllll around the floor by herself, just generally having a good time but looking very slightly very odd.
The next day, while she was walking into Room 23 (two rooms down from the English Room, Room 25), she walked past my classmates who immediately guffawed, because news of Clo's slightly odd dancing had spread.
And I'm not proud of this.
But I laughed right along with them, and a couple of the senior choir girls are in my English class and we laughed about her strange choral behaviour as well. I learnt later on in the day that she was the subject of intense ragging from her own classmates, and her seniors and EVEN right up to us in the Senior Squared section.
It felt wrong even then....but I did it anyway, forgetting my OWN golden rule of NEVER ignoring the underdog.
I beg you now, people who know me, to do a little recollective work. Try to remember another tiny little kid. She had razor straight black hair, talked funny and used to talk to herself, appearing totally schizo. She had huge thick glasses, red and gold in colour, and she walked alone a lot because people made fun of her skin. I especially recollect one time at a certain (horrible) Red Crescent Dance night thing where she did her OWN version of the (in her own head) Sexy Dance and was the object of utter ridicule for an entire week.
Strange. That kid was in Form One as well...probably the exact same age as Clo.
Well, this is her now:
I like to think she looks radiant, happy, normal, and NOT like she's trying too hard to smile naturally. Shut up.
Did anyone know I was actually composing poetry? That I wasn't insane, but actually trying to create something beautiful, and saying it out loud helped me concentrate?
I don't blame you. I WAS a freaky weird ass kid.
But look what's come out of it: I'm a happy, normal, well adjusted teenager who can do all sorts of awesome stuff, I've got wonderful friends who think I'm worth keeping in two different countries, a collective worth of (one week short of) 17 years of experience, and one hell of a head on my shoulders.
In short, I was a Clo too, and I'd love to think I turned out well enough. No, you know what? I turned out DAMN well. And I'm proud of myself, and I'm so very grateful to the people who helped get me there.
Secretly, I am immensely proud of Clo for having the courage and let's face it, craziness, to dance to her own tune. She had such happiness on her face when she was dancing, and I think a lot of people envied it as well. It was probably jealousy on everyones' part that while they were all dancing like skanks JUST IN CASE some guy was watching, this little kid was effortlessly showing them up, just by living in her own world.
Maybe I'm romanticizing again. Maybe she really IS an absolute freakshow.
But SO many people could have come to that conclusion about me, and didn't.
A lot of you know that I credit Izzah with being one of the first people to ACTUALLY be straightforward enough with me to TELL me I was being an ass. I ADORED knowing someone had noticed and someone had cared.
I'm going to be the one that's nice to this kid, simply because...what, five, six years ago?, someone paid me that same courtesy. Maybe I'll even get to thank little Clo for correcting some serious idiotic flaws in my judgement.
Oh, and by the way? Her real name's Bridget. Suits her way better than Creepy Little Orange, anyway.
Sunday, May 06, 2007
All That Glitters Is Not Gold.....
But remember, please, that some of what glitters actually is.
Sometimes, we downplay the value of wonderful, important things, and I think that we only do this because we're scared of investing all our faith in it. Everyone knows that you don't put ALL your faith in one place, that's stupid, of course it is!! But instead, what that mentality has bred is a society who can't trust anything.
It's statements like this that caution responders: don't be too hopeful or too optimistic, make sure you maintain a measure of pessimism JUST so you can say you cut your losses.
But it doesn't work that way, does it? At the end of the day, this whole "healthy dose of cynicism" thing, it's just a cover up. All we really want to DO is trust people, is invest in them, is love them for who they are. I really DO believe that this is what we were meant to DO as humans, and exactly why it still hurts so much to have your heart broken, to have your judgment fail, to have your trust betrayed.
I realize that with this post, I am in essence shatting all over my OWN personality....I'm that chick who studies her ASS off for a test and then says, "Meh, stuff it, I didn't study anyway," when she doesn't do well in it. It's because I hate admitting that I put everything I had into something and it STILL blew up in my face.
But you know what? I'm gonna try and not do that anymore, because I think the happiest people are the ones who KEEP investing and investing and investing and failing and failing and failing. It doesn't BUILD you, because that would be too twee, too trite.
It breaks the hell out of you and then makes you build yourself.
Sometimes, we downplay the value of wonderful, important things, and I think that we only do this because we're scared of investing all our faith in it. Everyone knows that you don't put ALL your faith in one place, that's stupid, of course it is!! But instead, what that mentality has bred is a society who can't trust anything.
It's statements like this that caution responders: don't be too hopeful or too optimistic, make sure you maintain a measure of pessimism JUST so you can say you cut your losses.
But it doesn't work that way, does it? At the end of the day, this whole "healthy dose of cynicism" thing, it's just a cover up. All we really want to DO is trust people, is invest in them, is love them for who they are. I really DO believe that this is what we were meant to DO as humans, and exactly why it still hurts so much to have your heart broken, to have your judgment fail, to have your trust betrayed.
I realize that with this post, I am in essence shatting all over my OWN personality....I'm that chick who studies her ASS off for a test and then says, "Meh, stuff it, I didn't study anyway," when she doesn't do well in it. It's because I hate admitting that I put everything I had into something and it STILL blew up in my face.
But you know what? I'm gonna try and not do that anymore, because I think the happiest people are the ones who KEEP investing and investing and investing and failing and failing and failing. It doesn't BUILD you, because that would be too twee, too trite.
It breaks the hell out of you and then makes you build yourself.