Ok, yes, I'm using the D word again.

Do you know WHY I haven't been blogging as much lately?

I am really scared that somehow, things just don't inspire me anymore. I don't write poetry or stories or those mean little articles, I don't blog, I don't craft, I don't, basically, do ANYTHING that I used to love with a passion.

I'd LOVE to think I've just adapted to fit my study skedders.....but even THAT'S not working now.

I feel lazy and pointless, and like everything I do is either stupid or wrong. I wanted to start 17 on an awesome note. Instead I possibly alienated an awesome teacher, am behind on English, can't seem to study properly for the life altering exams in 5 months, am messing up a subject I love with a passion, can't make myself sound smart or funny around the guy I like, am trying to eat healthier but it's NOT quite working, have ALREADY gotten into a couple of fights with my parents that while I'm not proud of, can justify completely....

In short, I feel like I've retreated into myself ENTIRELY. Here's a list of things I used to do for fun....oh, say, 2 years ago.

Read.
Write poetry, stories and articles.
Collect coins, miniature tea sets and miniature teddy bears.
Organize my Box.
Organize my jewellery.
Make miniature books.
Play the piano.

Now I can't do ANY of those without feeling guilty that I'm not studying....and even still, I can't bring myself to study.

In theory, that's COMPLETE bullshit.

You can't just NOT STUDY, that's called being a lazy dimwit.

But here's the thing: I used to actually enjoy this stuff: studying, learning, the feeling that I was doing something productive and writing out my lists and notes and all the other lovely little things that used to make me feel clever.

Now I just don't. I blogged earlier about how there was a really super smart guy in my class.

Teo was smart, kids. I never felt that stupid around HIM, because I was so completely wrapped up in my own head that NO one could make me feel stupid or unfunny or like my opinions didn't matter. I was basically the same person....just a little less jaded and a little more confident.

Perhaps this is a good thing? I dunno...lots of stuff has happened in the last little while that have completely debased me and shaken my foundations completely....and I feel somewhat disoriented. I had an awesome birthday and so many people were so lovely about it....and yet I feel....empty.

Funless.

I feel like the FUN VACUUM!!! I've never been the FUN VACUUM before!!! Gah, SNAP out of it...!!!!!

How, my children though, do you snap out of something when you're not quite sure what it is?

Queen Sana at 6:47 PM