Monday, July 30, 2007
Random Thoughts
Wow.
My 100th post.
I feel I should do something special....a smart post, a ceremional dance, a ritual slaughter....but I had something to post, so I'll just do that. I've had a BUNCH of random uncategorized thoughts floating around my large head so I'll put them all down. Some are deep. Some are shallow. Some are just plain squicky. All are mine.
- When you like someone, you find yourself able to think of them on a cold day....and fill with warmth.
- Oh, C. You're one of those smart, interesting and funny touchy-feely sorts of guys that I find exTREMELY attractive. Oh, and I have a feeling you like me. But for God's sake, you're like three.
Ok, not THAT young. But young enough for me to feel like a paedophile.
- A great way to discourage yourself from liking younger guys is to imagine how old they were when you first got your period.
- In about five months, I'll have started my bachelors degree. ME. DOING A BACHELORS DEGREE. OH MY GOD.
- I love math so much because there are solutions to everything....and there's always a way to solve it. I wish life was more like math.
- Gil Grissom is SOOOOO ridiculously hot. I think it's the whole "KNOWING STUFF" thing. Kevin Loh's a bit like that. Not the ridiculously hot part, but I've always respected that kid for just wanting to KNOW things.
- I have to memorize specific quotes from about 7 different texts for English, so I'm screwed.
- I don't think I started studying for these exams early enough and it makes me want to cry.
- People who do the whole, "But look at me, I got lower than you, so be happy!" thing piss the hell out of me. Don't you GET it? I come from a place where a 96 isn't respected if someone else, just one person, got a 97. I'm used to pushing myself to the very top for a measly ranking.....not for a score. I'm not LIKE you, but I swear to God, I wish I could be.
- Straight hair is so much nicer on me than the messy curls. According to Rachel I look too Indian with my curls. I think that's crap. I've always been really proud of my culture.....but I HAVE to admit the straight hair looks fantastic.
So there we have it.
All the random, weird thoughts that have been lurking around under the (hotter by far when straight) Sanafro.
Cheers, children ;)
My 100th post.
I feel I should do something special....a smart post, a ceremional dance, a ritual slaughter....but I had something to post, so I'll just do that. I've had a BUNCH of random uncategorized thoughts floating around my large head so I'll put them all down. Some are deep. Some are shallow. Some are just plain squicky. All are mine.
- When you like someone, you find yourself able to think of them on a cold day....and fill with warmth.
- Oh, C. You're one of those smart, interesting and funny touchy-feely sorts of guys that I find exTREMELY attractive. Oh, and I have a feeling you like me. But for God's sake, you're like three.
Ok, not THAT young. But young enough for me to feel like a paedophile.
- A great way to discourage yourself from liking younger guys is to imagine how old they were when you first got your period.
- In about five months, I'll have started my bachelors degree. ME. DOING A BACHELORS DEGREE. OH MY GOD.
- I love math so much because there are solutions to everything....and there's always a way to solve it. I wish life was more like math.
- Gil Grissom is SOOOOO ridiculously hot. I think it's the whole "KNOWING STUFF" thing. Kevin Loh's a bit like that. Not the ridiculously hot part, but I've always respected that kid for just wanting to KNOW things.
- I have to memorize specific quotes from about 7 different texts for English, so I'm screwed.
- I don't think I started studying for these exams early enough and it makes me want to cry.
- People who do the whole, "But look at me, I got lower than you, so be happy!" thing piss the hell out of me. Don't you GET it? I come from a place where a 96 isn't respected if someone else, just one person, got a 97. I'm used to pushing myself to the very top for a measly ranking.....not for a score. I'm not LIKE you, but I swear to God, I wish I could be.
- Straight hair is so much nicer on me than the messy curls. According to Rachel I look too Indian with my curls. I think that's crap. I've always been really proud of my culture.....but I HAVE to admit the straight hair looks fantastic.
So there we have it.
All the random, weird thoughts that have been lurking around under the (hotter by far when straight) Sanafro.
Cheers, children ;)
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Just Close Your Eyes, Baby, And This Day Is Over....
I've had a pretty bad day.
1) Physics assessment task worth about 7.5% of my FINAL HSC, that I prepared for, bowled. REALLY badly. EVERYONE's models were better than mine and it sucks, because I really did try. The teachers examining were nice, but HIGHLY condescending....sigh. Bad. Really bad. I've been studying REALLY hard for Physics this whole year and it's only borne fruit ONCE.
2) Did something HIDEOUSLY embarrassing in front of crush boy. Let's just assume it was PRETTY horrible.
3) Got chemistry assessment back. Bad. First time being not being first or second in class.
4) Just finished practice for the Undergrad Medicine test....it's tomorrow and determines whether or not I get into Med school or not or have to waste a year. This round of practice went REALLY badly....69% as opposed to 83% for the first set of questions.
But ENORMOUS thanks to:
1) Natalie for the GORGEOUS birthday present, you made a HIDEOUS day bearable :)
2) Tom and Emily for the hugs and encouragement during Chem.
3) Skip and Pesto for discussing how "Yeah, Sangy's gonna dominate trials and...." within earshot. You kids do wonders for my self esteem!
4) Eez, my flowwerh, for your insanely hilarious methods of cheering me up after this crappy prac, they worked REALLY well, and I quote, "She's hell in heels!"
5) My physics class: Kids, we're all solidarity n that!
Sigh. I think I'll just go to bed now.....I love my friends so much!!!!!!!!!
1) Physics assessment task worth about 7.5% of my FINAL HSC, that I prepared for, bowled. REALLY badly. EVERYONE's models were better than mine and it sucks, because I really did try. The teachers examining were nice, but HIGHLY condescending....sigh. Bad. Really bad. I've been studying REALLY hard for Physics this whole year and it's only borne fruit ONCE.
2) Did something HIDEOUSLY embarrassing in front of crush boy. Let's just assume it was PRETTY horrible.
3) Got chemistry assessment back. Bad. First time being not being first or second in class.
4) Just finished practice for the Undergrad Medicine test....it's tomorrow and determines whether or not I get into Med school or not or have to waste a year. This round of practice went REALLY badly....69% as opposed to 83% for the first set of questions.
But ENORMOUS thanks to:
1) Natalie for the GORGEOUS birthday present, you made a HIDEOUS day bearable :)
2) Tom and Emily for the hugs and encouragement during Chem.
3) Skip and Pesto for discussing how "Yeah, Sangy's gonna dominate trials and...." within earshot. You kids do wonders for my self esteem!
4) Eez, my flowwerh, for your insanely hilarious methods of cheering me up after this crappy prac, they worked REALLY well, and I quote, "She's hell in heels!"
5) My physics class: Kids, we're all solidarity n that!
Sigh. I think I'll just go to bed now.....I love my friends so much!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Sad Drunk
Wow. My first poem in over a YEAR.
This is one of those poems of mine that isn't necessarily DEPRESSING, but just inherently sad.
Now, this actually IS a personal poem....I have never had a drink in my life and I don't intend to anytime soon, but this is what I think I'd be like. No, I don't go around with fake smiles, but the truth is I get unhappy a lot more than people think I do.....I try keeping cheerful but sometimes it DOES get really hard.
Sad Drunk
I’m the sad drunk sitting alone,
The one that you ignore,
I’m the random, the unknown,
The one that needs this more,
Than you with your stupid Cruiser,
That you down to drown your cares,
I’m just that goddamned loser,
Who sits and stares and stares.
The loudest voice you hear is mine,
But that’s when we’re sober again,
That’s when everything’s fine, all fine,
That’s when you won’t see the pain.
I can only unleash it when you won’t recall,
The broken, the painful, the bare,
Till then, I blend nicely into the wall,
When you’re wasted, then buddy, I’ll share.
Because tomorrow’s another day, fresh and new,
I’ll be fun, you’ll be awed, we’ll be cool,
My problems forgotten, at least by you,
For that lonely, miserable fool,
Ain’t someone you’re going to connect with me,
Because she’s so unhappy, so bleak,
This bright and cheerful bundle of glee,
Could have nothing to do with that freak.
You, of course, you have no clue,
That my smiles and my fake, shiny cheer,
Are one act plays, re-enacted for you,
Masking oceans of uncried tears.
This is one of those poems of mine that isn't necessarily DEPRESSING, but just inherently sad.
Now, this actually IS a personal poem....I have never had a drink in my life and I don't intend to anytime soon, but this is what I think I'd be like. No, I don't go around with fake smiles, but the truth is I get unhappy a lot more than people think I do.....I try keeping cheerful but sometimes it DOES get really hard.
Sad Drunk
I’m the sad drunk sitting alone,
The one that you ignore,
I’m the random, the unknown,
The one that needs this more,
Than you with your stupid Cruiser,
That you down to drown your cares,
I’m just that goddamned loser,
Who sits and stares and stares.
The loudest voice you hear is mine,
But that’s when we’re sober again,
That’s when everything’s fine, all fine,
That’s when you won’t see the pain.
I can only unleash it when you won’t recall,
The broken, the painful, the bare,
Till then, I blend nicely into the wall,
When you’re wasted, then buddy, I’ll share.
Because tomorrow’s another day, fresh and new,
I’ll be fun, you’ll be awed, we’ll be cool,
My problems forgotten, at least by you,
For that lonely, miserable fool,
Ain’t someone you’re going to connect with me,
Because she’s so unhappy, so bleak,
This bright and cheerful bundle of glee,
Could have nothing to do with that freak.
You, of course, you have no clue,
That my smiles and my fake, shiny cheer,
Are one act plays, re-enacted for you,
Masking oceans of uncried tears.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
I'll Call You Adam
You were really cute, you know.
And you looked the picture of laid-back nonchalance as you played your guitar....it was an air of, not smugness, but confidence. You knew how good you were and with supreme coolness, played the hell out of that thing, upstaging your drummer (typically emo, black hair longer than mine and covering his face in a thick curtain), and the other two guitarists, even though one of them had a cooler guitar than you.
I wish, for all it was worth, that this entry was more flowery, more lovesick, more irrational.
But I'll tell you why it's not.
I'll tell you why my descriptions are crisp and to the point, and not overflowing with infatuation.
It's because I'm the Practical Girl. I always HAVE been the Practical Girl. See, the little kid who was never sold on Santa, who the Easter Bunny never held mystical appeal for, who the Tooth Fairy was, as she knew all along, her mom.....she grew up into a young woman for whom such heavyweight concepts as Love at First Sight and Wild, Exotic Unknown Crushes.........
Are foreign.
Are idiocies.
Are irrational bouts of foolishness to be discouraged.
But sometimes rationality and logic and practicality aren't all that. I realized while watching this guy play that he's the sort of guy that the girls in movies fall madly in love with, stalk, obsess over and ultimately, as ONLY I KNOW BECAUSE I AM THE PRACTICAL GIRL, have their hearts broken by.
I wish I didn't always have to think I have all the answers. I wish I could sometimes be that girl in the movies, who gets the irrational crush and carries on in blind faith. I wish that I didn't always calculate probabilites and discard things as unlikely, impossible, irrational, under the guise of protecting myself from heartbreak.
Because the truth is that I'm NOT running around trying to protect myself from heartbreak, and that's why I never take any risks.
It's because I'm so scared that someone will penetrate my veneer of total and complete independance and show me that my confidence is an utter sham.
And you looked the picture of laid-back nonchalance as you played your guitar....it was an air of, not smugness, but confidence. You knew how good you were and with supreme coolness, played the hell out of that thing, upstaging your drummer (typically emo, black hair longer than mine and covering his face in a thick curtain), and the other two guitarists, even though one of them had a cooler guitar than you.
I wish, for all it was worth, that this entry was more flowery, more lovesick, more irrational.
But I'll tell you why it's not.
I'll tell you why my descriptions are crisp and to the point, and not overflowing with infatuation.
It's because I'm the Practical Girl. I always HAVE been the Practical Girl. See, the little kid who was never sold on Santa, who the Easter Bunny never held mystical appeal for, who the Tooth Fairy was, as she knew all along, her mom.....she grew up into a young woman for whom such heavyweight concepts as Love at First Sight and Wild, Exotic Unknown Crushes.........
Are foreign.
Are idiocies.
Are irrational bouts of foolishness to be discouraged.
But sometimes rationality and logic and practicality aren't all that. I realized while watching this guy play that he's the sort of guy that the girls in movies fall madly in love with, stalk, obsess over and ultimately, as ONLY I KNOW BECAUSE I AM THE PRACTICAL GIRL, have their hearts broken by.
I wish I didn't always have to think I have all the answers. I wish I could sometimes be that girl in the movies, who gets the irrational crush and carries on in blind faith. I wish that I didn't always calculate probabilites and discard things as unlikely, impossible, irrational, under the guise of protecting myself from heartbreak.
Because the truth is that I'm NOT running around trying to protect myself from heartbreak, and that's why I never take any risks.
It's because I'm so scared that someone will penetrate my veneer of total and complete independance and show me that my confidence is an utter sham.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Dear Life,
You may, of course, have the upper hand, given that you know what's coming and I don't.
However, I LAUGH at your pitiful attempts to bring me down!!!
You may make my FABULOUS FRO look GREASY,
But I LAUGH AT YOU, and stick some Microtexx styling protectant and make it look SHINY, THE GOOD WAY!!
You may make Mrs. Squires take AGES to reply with answers to the million questions I have about my Chemistry practical portfolio,
But watch me fabricate results and make up answers with an evil little grin on my face.
You may make Sheep as interesting to talk to as.....well, an actual sheep,
But see now, how I cleverly ask him questions about PowerMaths and force him to bitch about Exercise 8C!
You may make it impossible for me to view a PET scan machine because Taree's impossibly small, and therefore making me fail Physics,
But bitch, Astrophysics is the EASIEST course to get into, HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW?!?!?!
(No seriously, you only need 70% as opposed to 95% for Med, what is up with that?)
You may make my arms flabby and laugh as I perform stupid toning exercises that make me look deformed,
But when I fit into my gorgeously form-fitting formal dress and EVERY HEAD TURNS to look at my FABULOUS BOOTYLICIOUSNESS, I will LAUGH RIGHT BACK AT YOU!!!!! (And YES, I DID just shamelessly use the word "bootyliciousness".)
You may make me an imposing, intimidating 5-footer, making it IMPOSSIBLE for me to find a boyfriend to order around,
But my parents will find me a nice doctor, and when they do, I'll have my own personal biatch, AND he'll be Brown!
You may, in fact, throw everything you've got at me and try to crush me under my workload, under my insecurities, under my boredom, under my feelings of inadequacy.
But at the end of the day, we both know who's going to come out of this on top.
And it's me.
And I REFUSE to let you get the better of me!!!!
Love,
Sana Banana Matmat
However, I LAUGH at your pitiful attempts to bring me down!!!
You may make my FABULOUS FRO look GREASY,
But I LAUGH AT YOU, and stick some Microtexx styling protectant and make it look SHINY, THE GOOD WAY!!
You may make Mrs. Squires take AGES to reply with answers to the million questions I have about my Chemistry practical portfolio,
But watch me fabricate results and make up answers with an evil little grin on my face.
You may make Sheep as interesting to talk to as.....well, an actual sheep,
But see now, how I cleverly ask him questions about PowerMaths and force him to bitch about Exercise 8C!
You may make it impossible for me to view a PET scan machine because Taree's impossibly small, and therefore making me fail Physics,
But bitch, Astrophysics is the EASIEST course to get into, HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW?!?!?!
(No seriously, you only need 70% as opposed to 95% for Med, what is up with that?)
You may make my arms flabby and laugh as I perform stupid toning exercises that make me look deformed,
But when I fit into my gorgeously form-fitting formal dress and EVERY HEAD TURNS to look at my FABULOUS BOOTYLICIOUSNESS, I will LAUGH RIGHT BACK AT YOU!!!!! (And YES, I DID just shamelessly use the word "bootyliciousness".)
You may make me an imposing, intimidating 5-footer, making it IMPOSSIBLE for me to find a boyfriend to order around,
But my parents will find me a nice doctor, and when they do, I'll have my own personal biatch, AND he'll be Brown!
You may, in fact, throw everything you've got at me and try to crush me under my workload, under my insecurities, under my boredom, under my feelings of inadequacy.
But at the end of the day, we both know who's going to come out of this on top.
And it's me.
And I REFUSE to let you get the better of me!!!!
Love,
Sana Banana Matmat
Thursday, July 05, 2007
These Ties That Bind
I just finished reading, shellshocked, about this.
I didn't know this boy, just that he was from my old school and was close to some friends of mine.
It disturbed me a lot, considering it was someone I didn't even know....and I think it's because death is such a powerfully universal concept.
We're doing Antony and Cleopatra in school in English class (Cleo is a fantastic bitch, Tony is a wussy manwhore), and in the final scene where Cleo has just taken her life, Caesar (who is indirectly responsible for her death and Tony's as well), gives them a respectable burial. He hated these two with a passion and did all he could to bring about their downfall, but in death chose to do something honourable.
What is this mysterious power death HAS over us, that causes such personality 180's?
It's pretty simple. We float around, day in and day out, on our own little clouds of love and hate, of joy and sadness, of friends and enemies.
What death does is snatch those clouds from under our feet and we hurtle down to earth with astonishing force. Suddenly find out that hey, we're ACTUALLY mortal.
This ACTUALLY happens.
And who knew, there are OTHER people with their OWN clouds up there, too!
I didn't know this boy, and I hope his soul rests in perfect peace. But I hope he realizes, wherever he is now, that he's caused one heck of a powerful happening.
Momentarily, at least, girls have stopped calling out "SKANK". Boys have stopped beating each other up. People don't write nasty things about others on bathroom doors. They don't gang up on their teacher. They don't backstab, they don't bitch, they don't gossip.
They just....are.
In death, we all just....are.
Rest in peace, bro.
I didn't know this boy, just that he was from my old school and was close to some friends of mine.
It disturbed me a lot, considering it was someone I didn't even know....and I think it's because death is such a powerfully universal concept.
We're doing Antony and Cleopatra in school in English class (Cleo is a fantastic bitch, Tony is a wussy manwhore), and in the final scene where Cleo has just taken her life, Caesar (who is indirectly responsible for her death and Tony's as well), gives them a respectable burial. He hated these two with a passion and did all he could to bring about their downfall, but in death chose to do something honourable.
What is this mysterious power death HAS over us, that causes such personality 180's?
It's pretty simple. We float around, day in and day out, on our own little clouds of love and hate, of joy and sadness, of friends and enemies.
What death does is snatch those clouds from under our feet and we hurtle down to earth with astonishing force. Suddenly find out that hey, we're ACTUALLY mortal.
This ACTUALLY happens.
And who knew, there are OTHER people with their OWN clouds up there, too!
I didn't know this boy, and I hope his soul rests in perfect peace. But I hope he realizes, wherever he is now, that he's caused one heck of a powerful happening.
Momentarily, at least, girls have stopped calling out "SKANK". Boys have stopped beating each other up. People don't write nasty things about others on bathroom doors. They don't gang up on their teacher. They don't backstab, they don't bitch, they don't gossip.
They just....are.
In death, we all just....are.
Rest in peace, bro.