Saturday, September 29, 2007
The Disintegration of Utopia
Reading Fel's angry post dated the 19th of September made me think really hard about Brunei.
You know what?
Brunei is a place I retreat to in my head....when I feel lonely or pissed off or unhappy or just homesick, I think back to that wonderful, green, tax-free utopia, where food and jewellery are cheap and friends are plentiful.
Brunei is my mind's paradise, and I can't WAIT to get back there in _____________ (I'M STILL NOT TELLING YOU WHEN!).
Or can I?
Sigh.
Reading Fel's post reminded me of something I hadn't thought about in a LONG time, and do you know what that is?
That the country I love, adore, grew up in and that shaped so much of my personality....
IS FULL OF ASSHOLES.
I'm NOT kidding. Much as I've fooled myself into believing it was the happiest place on Earth, it WASN'T. People hoot at you on the street if you're fat or thin, or pretty or ugly, they don't smile at you at all, if you smile at THEM you're a suspicious character, they're racist and rude and obnoxious....
And this is the general populace! YES, there are WONDERFUL people, and I met so many of them, people I'll always keep in contact with, people who made life worth living, people who'll be at my wedding.
But truly and honestly, for the most part?! BRUNEI IS FULL OF GODDAMNED RACIST PROFILING PERVY ASSHOLES!!!
And I'm disillusioned and unhappy about it. The first thing that struck me about Aussie is that people are just nice. Maybe it's superficial nice, maybe they're ALL assholes underneath. But they smile at you, and ask how your day went, and if you accidentally knock something down in an aisle in the supermarket, it's OK lav, people make mistakes, we'll clean that up in a jiffy (as opposed to, "Haiiyaah, my job SO impotan wannn, why dis pipol wasting my TIIME! EEEEEH!!")
Seriously?
I think I'm just scared that this visit will completely rip the image of my beautiful home from my mind.
I've invested FAR too much time and energy in that image for it to disappoint me now.
You know what?
Brunei is a place I retreat to in my head....when I feel lonely or pissed off or unhappy or just homesick, I think back to that wonderful, green, tax-free utopia, where food and jewellery are cheap and friends are plentiful.
Brunei is my mind's paradise, and I can't WAIT to get back there in _____________ (I'M STILL NOT TELLING YOU WHEN!).
Or can I?
Sigh.
Reading Fel's post reminded me of something I hadn't thought about in a LONG time, and do you know what that is?
That the country I love, adore, grew up in and that shaped so much of my personality....
IS FULL OF ASSHOLES.
I'm NOT kidding. Much as I've fooled myself into believing it was the happiest place on Earth, it WASN'T. People hoot at you on the street if you're fat or thin, or pretty or ugly, they don't smile at you at all, if you smile at THEM you're a suspicious character, they're racist and rude and obnoxious....
And this is the general populace! YES, there are WONDERFUL people, and I met so many of them, people I'll always keep in contact with, people who made life worth living, people who'll be at my wedding.
But truly and honestly, for the most part?! BRUNEI IS FULL OF GODDAMNED RACIST PROFILING PERVY ASSHOLES!!!
And I'm disillusioned and unhappy about it. The first thing that struck me about Aussie is that people are just nice. Maybe it's superficial nice, maybe they're ALL assholes underneath. But they smile at you, and ask how your day went, and if you accidentally knock something down in an aisle in the supermarket, it's OK lav, people make mistakes, we'll clean that up in a jiffy (as opposed to, "Haiiyaah, my job SO impotan wannn, why dis pipol wasting my TIIME! EEEEEH!!")
Seriously?
I think I'm just scared that this visit will completely rip the image of my beautiful home from my mind.
I've invested FAR too much time and energy in that image for it to disappoint me now.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Average, But Okay
I got my Trial report back today.
For the most part, I was pretty happy. I got above 80's in everything (even Horror Math, thank you Scaling!), and a 90 in chemmy chem.
And as for my UMAT results, they were good. Not WONDERFUL, OH MY GOD THAT GIRL'S A GENIUS, but good. 81st percentile in the state, is pretty good in my books.
And that's when it hit me, REALLY hit me.
People have been telling me all my life that I'm very smart, intelligent, brilliant, prodigy, etc etc etc, and I lapped it right up.
BUT HERE'S THE THING.
I'm actually not.
I'm an above average intelligent girl, who has to work really hard to push from an 85 to a 92, as opposed to the genius freakchild that people have always thought I was, the one who gets 95s without breaking a sweat.
But do you know the WEIRDEST thing ever?
The fact that, hey, I'm OK. I'm really perfectly and totally OK with that. There used to be a time where it would not only bother me, but maybe even make me cry that I wasn't simply AWESOME, FANTASTIC, GENIUS SUPREME.
Maybe this country really HAS made me grow. Thank God for that. The stuffy little overperfectionistic, hypercompetitive freak wouldn't survive Med school.
But perhaps this slightly dumber but harder-working kid who can accept her own shortcomings, will.
For the most part, I was pretty happy. I got above 80's in everything (even Horror Math, thank you Scaling!), and a 90 in chemmy chem.
And as for my UMAT results, they were good. Not WONDERFUL, OH MY GOD THAT GIRL'S A GENIUS, but good. 81st percentile in the state, is pretty good in my books.
And that's when it hit me, REALLY hit me.
People have been telling me all my life that I'm very smart, intelligent, brilliant, prodigy, etc etc etc, and I lapped it right up.
BUT HERE'S THE THING.
I'm actually not.
I'm an above average intelligent girl, who has to work really hard to push from an 85 to a 92, as opposed to the genius freakchild that people have always thought I was, the one who gets 95s without breaking a sweat.
But do you know the WEIRDEST thing ever?
The fact that, hey, I'm OK. I'm really perfectly and totally OK with that. There used to be a time where it would not only bother me, but maybe even make me cry that I wasn't simply AWESOME, FANTASTIC, GENIUS SUPREME.
Maybe this country really HAS made me grow. Thank God for that. The stuffy little overperfectionistic, hypercompetitive freak wouldn't survive Med school.
But perhaps this slightly dumber but harder-working kid who can accept her own shortcomings, will.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Crushes Suck.
I KNEW this would happen!!
Which is EXACTLY why I was SO very careful about it.
I DELIBERATELY didn't let myself get properly attached.
I CLEVERLY made sure I never said, "I liked him" without adding, "Because I was bored."
I CUNNINGLY didn't make a jackass of myself around him, opting instead for the icy stance (If I can't be Funny Matmat, I'd rather be That Cool Bitch as opposed to The Mealy Mouthed Blatherer).
And I RATHER BRILLIANTLY made sure to give myself LOTS of pep talks telling myself this was temporary and that it'd pass.
(it didn't pass.)
I'm sorry, WHAT?
(I said, It didn't pass.)
Err, you'll need to speak up, dear.
IT DIDN'T PASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHY didn't it pass?! HOW the hell did I let him GROW on me?! NO! He's NOT my type, I'm ABSOLUTELY not his type, he's the FURTHEST from my type you could GET! (within reasonability, people!)
And yet, I'm stuck now with a crush that won't leave me the hell alone.
:( And I leave school in about five days. And then, after another five weeks, I won't see him again ever.
The scariest and most annoying thing is, I don't know if it'll affect me.
Which is EXACTLY why I was SO very careful about it.
I DELIBERATELY didn't let myself get properly attached.
I CLEVERLY made sure I never said, "I liked him" without adding, "Because I was bored."
I CUNNINGLY didn't make a jackass of myself around him, opting instead for the icy stance (If I can't be Funny Matmat, I'd rather be That Cool Bitch as opposed to The Mealy Mouthed Blatherer).
And I RATHER BRILLIANTLY made sure to give myself LOTS of pep talks telling myself this was temporary and that it'd pass.
(it didn't pass.)
I'm sorry, WHAT?
(I said, It didn't pass.)
Err, you'll need to speak up, dear.
IT DIDN'T PASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHY didn't it pass?! HOW the hell did I let him GROW on me?! NO! He's NOT my type, I'm ABSOLUTELY not his type, he's the FURTHEST from my type you could GET! (within reasonability, people!)
And yet, I'm stuck now with a crush that won't leave me the hell alone.
:( And I leave school in about five days. And then, after another five weeks, I won't see him again ever.
The scariest and most annoying thing is, I don't know if it'll affect me.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Nerds Are Hot
Is something I shall add to the list of things I CAN'T actually say to you.
But just so you know.....nerds are really hot, and you, therefore, just received an ENORMOUS ass compliment from me....
The girl with the crush on you.
Much love (yet another thing I can't say),
Sana
But just so you know.....nerds are really hot, and you, therefore, just received an ENORMOUS ass compliment from me....
The girl with the crush on you.
Much love (yet another thing I can't say),
Sana
Monday, September 10, 2007
SURVEY! But only because I'm bored.
Tell us your name:Matmat. My name, is Matmat.
Three things about yourself:
1. My friends exist to tell me I'm thin.
2. I'm actually NOT thin, but I cover it up by talking FAR too much about my (rather fabulous) ass.
3. I'm short, but I'm loud enough to make up for it.
What's in your playlist:
I listen to a LOT of random things....and I don't own a playLIST, I play random free stuff from Radioblog, and yes I AM cheap, and yes I AM Indian, how'd you guess? But anyway, I mostly listen to Lifehouse, 3 Doors Down, Switchfoot, Sugarcult, The Calling, Maksim....endless possibilities.
Your favorite music:
Maksim, 3DD, Lifehouse, Switchfoot, Radiohead, (pleasedon'tshootmeforthis) Justin Timberlake, K.J. Yesudas, M.S. Subbulakshmi, A.R. Rahman, Beyonce, I can basically listen to and like absolutely anything.
Favorite guilty pleasure:
Timtams dipped in Milo. Mmm, hot DAYME. Oh, and Doritos and salsa. And pie. And Magnums.
And pie. Have I mentioned pie? I REALLY like pie.
Favorite food:
All the usual (pasta, chocolate, etc) but nothing in the world is more delicious to me than chicken and capsicum curry, rajma and that lovely lamb and butterbeans curry ma makes.
Define love:
I don't think I've learnt enough yet to answer this question. I CAN, however, define Bitterness, Infatuation and Longing for you.
Define sex:
Something I wouldn't even be able to spell if my parents had their way. But aside from this, I maintain that it's a ridiculously huge commitment you only make to someone you've devoted your life to.
Any celebrity crushes?
Nope, I've always been faaar too logical and practical for those.
The last person you hugged:
Cait, I think, or Elise :P I hug a LOT of people a LOT of times a day!
The last person you talked to:
Ma, told her to grab me some Sorbolene from the chemist :) Meehee!
The last time I cried:
I don't cry often.
The last person you dated:
Bitch, please! ;)
The last time you went out:
Oh, oh! FINALLY, I CAN ANSWER THIS QUESTION! Day before YESTERDAY, when I went to the Deb ball :) (thanks, Smit :P)
What's on your mind now?
"I bloody hate being the logical girl."
What's bothering you?
"I bloody hate being the logical girl." Also, "Good god, I have to spend three days with a pack of females who DON'T actually like me very much." Oh, and "I'MGOINGTOFAILALLMYEXAMSSOMEONEJUSTKILLMENOW!"
This year's resolutions:
1. Bit late for that, innit? BUT to study my ass off and get into med school (for my pride) or biomed (for my joy).
2. Lose weight to fit into my GORGEOUS, ASSKICKINGLY SUPERHOT formal dress.
3. To be able to sacrifice my pride for things that mean something to me.
Your MSN nick:
"`oy. (you're wrong. it IS in his eyes)"
What's your MSN nick about?
Oy, because I just constantly say Oy, and the second part...well, I was just thinking about how much more appealing a guy is if he looks you straight in the eye. It just catches you SO off guard that you're forced to stare right back.
And that right there, THAT'S a beautiful moment. (And no, you can NEVER use this against me.)
The people you miss the most:
Nazmi, Mala, Sarah, Jas, Lyn, Teo, Josh, Mato, Sharmat, Divs, Kavi, Useni Aunty.....god, let's just list out the Bruneian population, now shall we?
Current mood:
Worried, nervous but functional.
What are you thinking?
Again, "I BLOODY HATE BEING THE GODDAMNED LOGICAL GIRL." I also wish I didn't have to regret things I was once so damn sure of.
Best childhood memory:
Oh, god, there were many :D Caroline over at my house in the snow, Krazy Karpet-ing down the hill at school, playing around in the school playground, dance classes with Aunty, especially those last ones with Naz, Empire with the girls, Indira's house, Sarah and Jas crashing my place, tuition with all of them, phonecalls to Naz and Tash, walks with Mala......I maintain I'm still a child and have the right to continue creating these memories.
3 of your biggest fears:
1. Failing the UMAT.
2. Failure, period.
3. Rejection.
Who do you love:
Rachel is my favourite person in the world, but then the rest of my family, my adoptive family, my girls, my guys....and ME. (OK, ELISE, AND YOU ;) I laav you!)
3 things you hate:
1. Hypocrisy.
2. Racism.
3. When the Canteen is out of pie. ESPECIALLY on Pie Day!!!!!
Do you blog?
Shaw :P
Tag 5 people.
Welll, since Fool my precious wanted to be prominent, I tag YOU, and also Josh, Jana, Nikki and Izzah :)
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Clean Hands
I've always been MIGHTY proud of myself, for many reasons.
One, because I'm just naturally a fathead, and two because I've always felt rather clever for being able to avoid most of the heartbreaks, roadblocks and kicks-in-the-face that life has to offer people my age.
I was always the smart child, remember? The one who never did ANYTHING dumb, who watched her back, who spoke only when spoken to, who offended no one important if she could help it, who never washed that yellow Hari Kebangsaan shirt because she was scared the green logo would dissolve, and remember someone DID, and it DID dissolve?
Ha HA, Sana laughed then, she did! Because people were all, "Ew....it's so DIRTYYYY, idiotlahwashitlahhhh....".
And I didn't, and I emerged with a perfectly intact, albeit rather odd smelling YELLOW HARI KEBANGSAAN SHIRT.
I'm also the girl who refused to complain about certain teachers, despite their cruddy teaching skills. Even though I knew higher ups would have trusted the opinion of a student like me, who they KNEW was both hardworking and relatively level headed.
Because some people DID complain, and when they did and got reprimanded, Sana laughed AGAIN.
Sana KNEW, you see, that they'd get in trouble for doing stuff like that, and Sana didn't get in trouble. Sana kept her head down and worked as well as she could with the crap teacher, rather than risk her OWN street cred for a better one.
Clever, clever little Sana.
The result of a life lived thus, I am proud to say, is that I VERY rarely get my hands dirty. I don't ask people out, I don't tell people I like them, I don't hold raucous parties at random that I know will get out of hand, I don't ATTEND raucous parties at random that I know will get out of hand. I'm a wonderfully clean-handed, boring little know-it-all.
Know....what-all now?
I've just been thinking a lot about this GUY...who I REALLY should ask to the Formal at the end of the year.....but I'm so scared that he'll just say no. It's not a big deal, rejection is common, expected, and let's face it, inevitable. But nothing in my arsenal of collected and acquired wisdom has prepared me for this.
LIFE, you bitch, where the hell WERE you when you were supposed to be teaching me to DEAL with this stuff!?!?
Oh yeah.
You were.....there. Giving me opportunities to take risks all the time.
With people, with places, with friends, with enemies, with opinions, with relationships.....
I was just always content to sit and watch OTHER people do things, take notes and pretend to be allllll VISE.
Vise, my ass.
I wish I could get over this fear to DO things for myself...other people, no problem. It's not that I lack COURAGE to do things.....but it's that pride.....that abominable pride.....
Much as I hate that bitch......It'd kill me to see her get hurt.
If only she'd return the goddamned favour.
One, because I'm just naturally a fathead, and two because I've always felt rather clever for being able to avoid most of the heartbreaks, roadblocks and kicks-in-the-face that life has to offer people my age.
I was always the smart child, remember? The one who never did ANYTHING dumb, who watched her back, who spoke only when spoken to, who offended no one important if she could help it, who never washed that yellow Hari Kebangsaan shirt because she was scared the green logo would dissolve, and remember someone DID, and it DID dissolve?
Ha HA, Sana laughed then, she did! Because people were all, "Ew....it's so DIRTYYYY, idiotlahwashitlahhhh....".
And I didn't, and I emerged with a perfectly intact, albeit rather odd smelling YELLOW HARI KEBANGSAAN SHIRT.
I'm also the girl who refused to complain about certain teachers, despite their cruddy teaching skills. Even though I knew higher ups would have trusted the opinion of a student like me, who they KNEW was both hardworking and relatively level headed.
Because some people DID complain, and when they did and got reprimanded, Sana laughed AGAIN.
Sana KNEW, you see, that they'd get in trouble for doing stuff like that, and Sana didn't get in trouble. Sana kept her head down and worked as well as she could with the crap teacher, rather than risk her OWN street cred for a better one.
Clever, clever little Sana.
The result of a life lived thus, I am proud to say, is that I VERY rarely get my hands dirty. I don't ask people out, I don't tell people I like them, I don't hold raucous parties at random that I know will get out of hand, I don't ATTEND raucous parties at random that I know will get out of hand. I'm a wonderfully clean-handed, boring little know-it-all.
Know....what-all now?
I've just been thinking a lot about this GUY...who I REALLY should ask to the Formal at the end of the year.....but I'm so scared that he'll just say no. It's not a big deal, rejection is common, expected, and let's face it, inevitable. But nothing in my arsenal of collected and acquired wisdom has prepared me for this.
LIFE, you bitch, where the hell WERE you when you were supposed to be teaching me to DEAL with this stuff!?!?
Oh yeah.
You were.....there. Giving me opportunities to take risks all the time.
With people, with places, with friends, with enemies, with opinions, with relationships.....
I was just always content to sit and watch OTHER people do things, take notes and pretend to be allllll VISE.
Vise, my ass.
I wish I could get over this fear to DO things for myself...other people, no problem. It's not that I lack COURAGE to do things.....but it's that pride.....that abominable pride.....
Much as I hate that bitch......It'd kill me to see her get hurt.
If only she'd return the goddamned favour.
Sunday, September 02, 2007
Sober ::: Exchange
Sober
So here's the thing.
There are basically three kinds of people in our lives.
Those we talk to even when we're sober.
Those we talk to only when we're drunk.
And those who we'd never talk to even when completely wasted.
And all my life, I'm going to spend time to making sure that the people in MY life consider me the first kind....someone you can talk to and confide in and pour out your soul to when you make a conscious decision to uncork your emotions.
Being the drunk call buddy is made QUITE a big deal of in pop culture....but being the sober call buddy? Now that, that is really something.
Exchange
It turns out, my fab kids....that all the hours I've been putting into studying WILL pay off, but not quite in the way that I want it to.
See, I may be top in Chem and Physics and maybe Rel, and second in English and third in the 2 mathses that I do.....all considered above average and in some cases suicidally hard subjects.
But I might have lost my shot at being Dux of the School. School Dux is the kid who gets the HIGHEST marks in all of their subjects, basically the person with the highest aggregate, and due to the fact that I'm GOOD in my subbies but not GREAT, I may have lost my one chance of being top.
The guy who IS going to get top (most likely, him or another girl)....I was just wondering if I'd swap his life for mine. His ability to calculate numbers to 17 decimal places for my oh-so-intelligent, "7/2 is 3 and a seventh" responses. His near-photographic memory of things he sees and reads for my copious pages of painstakingly handwritten notes. His general "I actually hate all of you, so none of you can really hurt me, ya realize that, right?" attitude for my constant second guessing of EVERY situation and EVERY conversation because I'm scared you won't like me.
The answer, as I'm certain you'll have guessed, is no.
No, I'd never exchange my life, imperfect as it is at times, for his. Life, unfortunately, only comes as one homogeneous skank of a lump. If we could swap certain parts of it, it wouldn't be so hard, would it? If I could MAYBE give up some self doubt for the photographic memory, or a LITTLE flab for the athleticism, or a SMIDGEN of obnoxiousness for a quick mind, it'd all be right n fab.
But no. I'd also have to give up Mala, Naz, Jas, Sarah, Elise, Rachel, Shama, music, laughter, a nice butt, Mrs. Fields brownies, my jewellery collection (!) and let's face it, a life that, if not for these little annoying things....
Is pretty much perfect. And if you're still reading this, know that you're a part of that perfect life.
So here's the thing.
There are basically three kinds of people in our lives.
Those we talk to even when we're sober.
Those we talk to only when we're drunk.
And those who we'd never talk to even when completely wasted.
And all my life, I'm going to spend time to making sure that the people in MY life consider me the first kind....someone you can talk to and confide in and pour out your soul to when you make a conscious decision to uncork your emotions.
Being the drunk call buddy is made QUITE a big deal of in pop culture....but being the sober call buddy? Now that, that is really something.
Exchange
It turns out, my fab kids....that all the hours I've been putting into studying WILL pay off, but not quite in the way that I want it to.
See, I may be top in Chem and Physics and maybe Rel, and second in English and third in the 2 mathses that I do.....all considered above average and in some cases suicidally hard subjects.
But I might have lost my shot at being Dux of the School. School Dux is the kid who gets the HIGHEST marks in all of their subjects, basically the person with the highest aggregate, and due to the fact that I'm GOOD in my subbies but not GREAT, I may have lost my one chance of being top.
The guy who IS going to get top (most likely, him or another girl)....I was just wondering if I'd swap his life for mine. His ability to calculate numbers to 17 decimal places for my oh-so-intelligent, "7/2 is 3 and a seventh" responses. His near-photographic memory of things he sees and reads for my copious pages of painstakingly handwritten notes. His general "I actually hate all of you, so none of you can really hurt me, ya realize that, right?" attitude for my constant second guessing of EVERY situation and EVERY conversation because I'm scared you won't like me.
The answer, as I'm certain you'll have guessed, is no.
No, I'd never exchange my life, imperfect as it is at times, for his. Life, unfortunately, only comes as one homogeneous skank of a lump. If we could swap certain parts of it, it wouldn't be so hard, would it? If I could MAYBE give up some self doubt for the photographic memory, or a LITTLE flab for the athleticism, or a SMIDGEN of obnoxiousness for a quick mind, it'd all be right n fab.
But no. I'd also have to give up Mala, Naz, Jas, Sarah, Elise, Rachel, Shama, music, laughter, a nice butt, Mrs. Fields brownies, my jewellery collection (!) and let's face it, a life that, if not for these little annoying things....
Is pretty much perfect. And if you're still reading this, know that you're a part of that perfect life.