I've always been MIGHTY proud of myself, for many reasons.

One, because I'm just naturally a fathead, and two because I've always felt rather clever for being able to avoid most of the heartbreaks, roadblocks and kicks-in-the-face that life has to offer people my age.

I was always the smart child, remember? The one who never did ANYTHING dumb, who watched her back, who spoke only when spoken to, who offended no one important if she could help it, who never washed that yellow Hari Kebangsaan shirt because she was scared the green logo would dissolve, and remember someone DID, and it DID dissolve?

Ha HA, Sana laughed then, she did! Because people were all, "Ew....it's so DIRTYYYY, idiotlahwashitlahhhh....".

And I didn't, and I emerged with a perfectly intact, albeit rather odd smelling YELLOW HARI KEBANGSAAN SHIRT.

I'm also the girl who refused to complain about certain teachers, despite their cruddy teaching skills. Even though I knew higher ups would have trusted the opinion of a student like me, who they KNEW was both hardworking and relatively level headed.

Because some people DID complain, and when they did and got reprimanded, Sana laughed AGAIN.

Sana KNEW, you see, that they'd get in trouble for doing stuff like that, and Sana didn't get in trouble. Sana kept her head down and worked as well as she could with the crap teacher, rather than risk her OWN street cred for a better one.

Clever, clever little Sana.

The result of a life lived thus, I am proud to say, is that I VERY rarely get my hands dirty. I don't ask people out, I don't tell people I like them, I don't hold raucous parties at random that I know will get out of hand, I don't ATTEND raucous parties at random that I know will get out of hand. I'm a wonderfully clean-handed, boring little know-it-all.

Know....what-all now?

I've just been thinking a lot about this GUY...who I REALLY should ask to the Formal at the end of the year.....but I'm so scared that he'll just say no. It's not a big deal, rejection is common, expected, and let's face it, inevitable. But nothing in my arsenal of collected and acquired wisdom has prepared me for this.

LIFE, you bitch, where the hell WERE you when you were supposed to be teaching me to DEAL with this stuff!?!?

Oh yeah.

You were.....there. Giving me opportunities to take risks all the time.

With people, with places, with friends, with enemies, with opinions, with relationships.....

I was just always content to sit and watch OTHER people do things, take notes and pretend to be allllll VISE.

Vise, my ass.

I wish I could get over this fear to DO things for myself...other people, no problem. It's not that I lack COURAGE to do things.....but it's that pride.....that abominable pride.....

Much as I hate that bitch......It'd kill me to see her get hurt.

If only she'd return the goddamned favour.

Queen Sana at 6:49 PM