Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Dere Godsa Everfing,
Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, PLEASE........Let me get over this?! It's starting to IRRITATE me because it is IRRATIONAL. If you could KINDLY bring a skank-ho girlfriend into the picture (or boyfriend, I don't mind), or some horrid rumour or even a return to COMMON SENSE....
I'd rhilly 'preciate it.
Fanks,
Matmat.
PS: It's TOTALLY normal to say someone's name, sigh and then self consciously touch your face, right?
Right?!
RIGHT!!!
Sigh. I don't like being infatuated. It's not FUN and it's not PRACTICAL!!
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
This Is Me, Silently Hating.
Instead of respond directly to you, I will do so here as a series of dot points.
- Don't flatter yourself: my poetry has never been inspired by you. The fact that my BLOG is on occasion means, of course, a great deal. The guys I like have been in my blogs. Random strangers that inspire me have been in my blogs. My friends, my exams, my activities, my booklists, my pet peeves......
Did I say a great deal? I mean very, very, very, very little.
Also, I don't appreciate the mocking tone you said it in. Every single feeling I detailed I stand by. The fact that I have a great self esteem in every aspect of my life except my body image is very telling of you as parents. I can recall specific events, can you?
- Rather than do what I've done every other time (and they have been numerous), I'd like to try something different. Jumping into big weight loss strategies, going exercise freak etc. have not worked for me before, hence the reason I'm starting with lifestyle changes and eating habits.
Again, something I won't tell you because you won't listen.
- Male parent, the fact that I'm not arguing with you appears to have gotten to you. This gives me ENDLESS enjoyment, because it allows me to witness just how far you will go to make me see your oft-repeated point.
I am not a retard. I am ACTUALLY quite intelligent. Please do not treat me like one. I am, in fact, not 12 anymore. I am 17, and you simply can NOT tell a 17 year old how to do her HAIR. It is irritating that you find the need to keep condescendingly bringing it up. I do not appreciate it.
- No, I'm not going to tie my hair up, AGAIN for reasons that I will not explain to YOU because you appear slightly dense.....it is because during my exams, I got so nervous and panicky that I single-handedly receded my own hairline (trichotylomania, read up on it) by plucking it out constantly. When I tie it up, it looks ridiculous because it is SO very noticeable.
Oh, and the fact that I know how much it annoys you. I wish it didn't, it really does look rather nice. You appear to take offense at rather dumb things....that is your problem, however, not mine.
- Mom, you're not a nice person. That's all I'm going to say for this point, but it is potent. I'm rather disappointed that you feel the need to resort, yet again, to scare slash shock tactics when again, as I've said, I AM AN INTELLIGENT CHILD! YOU CAN DISCUSS THINGS WITH ME! AS LONG AS THEY ARE REASONABLE, I WILL LISTEN!
Oh dear, that's ME treating YOU like the moron now....sorry, learned habit perhaps?
- May I also say, for the record, that I don't appreciate being made to feel like an awful child. As my wardrobe consists of kurtas with pretty patterns and nothing lownecked, my bookshelf is full of literary classics, my study table is covered in certificates and awards that I have to sort out chronologically, my habits are healthy, I don't overspend on anything and I am quite well adjusted, I'd like to request that you leave me alone.
I write in clinical, detached and cynical tone when I'm trying to cover up an urge to cry. I'm not going to cry, though, because of this final point:
- I'm leaving you in less than three months....off to university. Oh, that merciful place. I hope I miss you, I really do. And I'm certain I will, ya know....maybe I just AM a horrible child who takes you for granted at every opportunity. No, no matter how jokingly you say it, I don't want to see you every week. I really don't.
I think that in order for BOTH of us to appreciate how awesome the other is, we just need time far, far, far away from each other. However, I have no doubt that the very second I get back, you'll find some other way to make me feel like an awful person.
What a truly wonderful claim to fame, and bravo on that.
- Don't flatter yourself: my poetry has never been inspired by you. The fact that my BLOG is on occasion means, of course, a great deal. The guys I like have been in my blogs. Random strangers that inspire me have been in my blogs. My friends, my exams, my activities, my booklists, my pet peeves......
Did I say a great deal? I mean very, very, very, very little.
Also, I don't appreciate the mocking tone you said it in. Every single feeling I detailed I stand by. The fact that I have a great self esteem in every aspect of my life except my body image is very telling of you as parents. I can recall specific events, can you?
- Rather than do what I've done every other time (and they have been numerous), I'd like to try something different. Jumping into big weight loss strategies, going exercise freak etc. have not worked for me before, hence the reason I'm starting with lifestyle changes and eating habits.
Again, something I won't tell you because you won't listen.
- Male parent, the fact that I'm not arguing with you appears to have gotten to you. This gives me ENDLESS enjoyment, because it allows me to witness just how far you will go to make me see your oft-repeated point.
I am not a retard. I am ACTUALLY quite intelligent. Please do not treat me like one. I am, in fact, not 12 anymore. I am 17, and you simply can NOT tell a 17 year old how to do her HAIR. It is irritating that you find the need to keep condescendingly bringing it up. I do not appreciate it.
- No, I'm not going to tie my hair up, AGAIN for reasons that I will not explain to YOU because you appear slightly dense.....it is because during my exams, I got so nervous and panicky that I single-handedly receded my own hairline (trichotylomania, read up on it) by plucking it out constantly. When I tie it up, it looks ridiculous because it is SO very noticeable.
Oh, and the fact that I know how much it annoys you. I wish it didn't, it really does look rather nice. You appear to take offense at rather dumb things....that is your problem, however, not mine.
- Mom, you're not a nice person. That's all I'm going to say for this point, but it is potent. I'm rather disappointed that you feel the need to resort, yet again, to scare slash shock tactics when again, as I've said, I AM AN INTELLIGENT CHILD! YOU CAN DISCUSS THINGS WITH ME! AS LONG AS THEY ARE REASONABLE, I WILL LISTEN!
Oh dear, that's ME treating YOU like the moron now....sorry, learned habit perhaps?
- May I also say, for the record, that I don't appreciate being made to feel like an awful child. As my wardrobe consists of kurtas with pretty patterns and nothing lownecked, my bookshelf is full of literary classics, my study table is covered in certificates and awards that I have to sort out chronologically, my habits are healthy, I don't overspend on anything and I am quite well adjusted, I'd like to request that you leave me alone.
I write in clinical, detached and cynical tone when I'm trying to cover up an urge to cry. I'm not going to cry, though, because of this final point:
- I'm leaving you in less than three months....off to university. Oh, that merciful place. I hope I miss you, I really do. And I'm certain I will, ya know....maybe I just AM a horrible child who takes you for granted at every opportunity. No, no matter how jokingly you say it, I don't want to see you every week. I really don't.
I think that in order for BOTH of us to appreciate how awesome the other is, we just need time far, far, far away from each other. However, I have no doubt that the very second I get back, you'll find some other way to make me feel like an awful person.
What a truly wonderful claim to fame, and bravo on that.
Friday, November 23, 2007
What Would You Think Of Me Now?
It's not that I can't let things go, I'm not that pathetic. But there IS one slight I received a very long time ago that I puzzled over for a long, long time. Just thought of that recently.....today, in fact. And it hit me why it upset me. So, I'm going to address this letter today to St. George's School.
Dear Alma Mater,
I hate to admit this....but to an extent, you were right.
Not really though.
But BEFORE I do that, I'd like to dispense some requisite pleasantries. Thank you for some kickass education. Thank you for the Chemistry which may have SAVED my HSC. Thank you for teaching me how to deal with racists, assholes, dumbasses and in general, all people below me. Thank you for teaching me the value of competitiveness. Blah blah blah blah.
Not to be nonchalant or ungrateful......those are pretty important things and I'm glad I learnt them in a place where I didn't have to pay for all my mistakes. Today, however, in this missive, I take aim at a single, solitary letter printed on my leaving certificate.
You remember this, don't you? The C you gave me in Maturity? Yeah. That still hurts when I think about it occasionally, because you thankfully mean significantly less to me now than you did then. I realize now that had my school actually required that document, you might have done me a lot more damage than you did.
I'm not angry anymore.
Then I was. I was very angry and hurt. I CAN monkey around a hell of a lot but at 15 (hell, at 12), I had a pretty solid head on my shoulders and resented you telling me that you'd managed to IGNORE that entire side of me and see ONLY things like Queen Sana, or talking in class, or giggling with Jas.
It's been 2 years since then. Where are you and where am I?
I just won a Citizenship Award, and I'm really happy about it....this means that teachers IN my school voted for me to receive it as a model of virtue or something like that. Maybe they just felt sorry for me, I don't know....but it's something I'm taking and holding very, very dear. I also just finished my last year of high school with a pretty big bang, and made some very good friends of not just my peers, but my teachers as well.
Where are you now, I ask with a bitchy little grin?
A large number of excellent teachers just left. A few more of them are retiring. The quality of your students, I don't know much about, but from what I hear from people STILL attending, it's not what it once was.
In short, SGS, I've done better than you have.
It angers me slightly that I allowed myself to feel so upset and unhappy over that STUPID rating you gave me, coming from a school that for a very long time, did absolutely nothing for me.
It's kind of sad.
I had those few wonderful, wonderful teachers and friends who gave me the education and lessons I carry with me today, but as a school in GENERAL? Nothing quite spectacular, my dears. Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing. Lessons I would have learned otherwise. Extra workloads I didn't need. Things I did that went totally unacknowledged (thank you, _______________). Opportunities I couldn't get because I wasn't local. I know that's not YOUR fault, but I'm LUMPIN' IT IN ANYWAY.
I'm not sure if I deserve the Citizenship award. I'm thrilled beyond measure that someone thought good enough of me to give it to me. If you knew me at all, you'd realize I rarely do this. Gloat, whinge, blame and in general, bad mouth.
But I guess you didn't ever know me that well, did you?
Sigh. Honour and Labour, eh? Still remember every word of that damn song.....it's a bit of a sad situation where a student looks back on a school and realizes....
That for the most part, she invested a lot more in them than they did in her. I wish you'd had a bit more faith.
Dear Alma Mater,
I hate to admit this....but to an extent, you were right.
Not really though.
But BEFORE I do that, I'd like to dispense some requisite pleasantries. Thank you for some kickass education. Thank you for the Chemistry which may have SAVED my HSC. Thank you for teaching me how to deal with racists, assholes, dumbasses and in general, all people below me. Thank you for teaching me the value of competitiveness. Blah blah blah blah.
Not to be nonchalant or ungrateful......those are pretty important things and I'm glad I learnt them in a place where I didn't have to pay for all my mistakes. Today, however, in this missive, I take aim at a single, solitary letter printed on my leaving certificate.
You remember this, don't you? The C you gave me in Maturity? Yeah. That still hurts when I think about it occasionally, because you thankfully mean significantly less to me now than you did then. I realize now that had my school actually required that document, you might have done me a lot more damage than you did.
I'm not angry anymore.
Then I was. I was very angry and hurt. I CAN monkey around a hell of a lot but at 15 (hell, at 12), I had a pretty solid head on my shoulders and resented you telling me that you'd managed to IGNORE that entire side of me and see ONLY things like Queen Sana, or talking in class, or giggling with Jas.
It's been 2 years since then. Where are you and where am I?
I just won a Citizenship Award, and I'm really happy about it....this means that teachers IN my school voted for me to receive it as a model of virtue or something like that. Maybe they just felt sorry for me, I don't know....but it's something I'm taking and holding very, very dear. I also just finished my last year of high school with a pretty big bang, and made some very good friends of not just my peers, but my teachers as well.
Where are you now, I ask with a bitchy little grin?
A large number of excellent teachers just left. A few more of them are retiring. The quality of your students, I don't know much about, but from what I hear from people STILL attending, it's not what it once was.
In short, SGS, I've done better than you have.
It angers me slightly that I allowed myself to feel so upset and unhappy over that STUPID rating you gave me, coming from a school that for a very long time, did absolutely nothing for me.
It's kind of sad.
I had those few wonderful, wonderful teachers and friends who gave me the education and lessons I carry with me today, but as a school in GENERAL? Nothing quite spectacular, my dears. Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing. Lessons I would have learned otherwise. Extra workloads I didn't need. Things I did that went totally unacknowledged (thank you, _______________). Opportunities I couldn't get because I wasn't local. I know that's not YOUR fault, but I'm LUMPIN' IT IN ANYWAY.
I'm not sure if I deserve the Citizenship award. I'm thrilled beyond measure that someone thought good enough of me to give it to me. If you knew me at all, you'd realize I rarely do this. Gloat, whinge, blame and in general, bad mouth.
But I guess you didn't ever know me that well, did you?
Sigh. Honour and Labour, eh? Still remember every word of that damn song.....it's a bit of a sad situation where a student looks back on a school and realizes....
That for the most part, she invested a lot more in them than they did in her. I wish you'd had a bit more faith.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
If I Were Your Mother
If I Were Your Mother,I'd slap some sense into your head,
To fill your foolish heart with dread,
I'd arm you with the self control,
I learned from years and years before.
I'd hold you while you cried in shame,
For all the boys who now could name,
All contours of your body whole,
And called you a skank and a whore.
I'd round up all your so called friends,
Interrogate them to the bitter ends
Of the earth for their complicit part,
In every tear you shed,
Round up them boys, and blast them away,
For taunting you like they did that day,
I'd unleash the wrath of a mother's heart,
On every bastard's jackass head.
I'd place you under house arrest,
Till you learned it's not proper to get undressed,
In front of strangers who're laughing at you,
Not laughing with you as they say,
I'd teach you that it's OK to be sober,
The shame of being the drunken disrober,
The security to know that friends who are true,
Don't require some stupid display.
I'd let you know people are jerks inside,
They'll smile at you, then go snotty and snide,
They'll tell you they think you're super hot,
Then laugh at your cheapness, my dear.
I'd try, in short, to get you to see,
That you're only as worth it as you want to be,
I'd tell you that life's a melting pot,
Of confusion and darkness and fear.
You know what the scary thing is, guys? In maybe 20 years, I COULD be this girl's mother. And it sure as hell won't be that easy then.
I wish someone had told her this....I really do.
Sunday, November 04, 2007
Honey, Jesus Hisself Woulda Cried.
I do not appreciate ignorance.
May it be said that I do not appreciate ignorance, which means that I dislike people who make arguments and try to talk through their asshats about things they have not studied, things they do not understand, and things they have not examined from both sides.
I especially hate when people use misconceptions as evidence, without first REALIZING that they are misconceptions. People who listen to gossip and the media and will not accept that there could be a different view point because "the media said so".
Even more than this, I despise people who stand on a moral high ground while doing this.
I will not mention names, but recently, I heard a conversation regarding Islam. Anyone who has spoken to me knows that, having studied both Christianity and Islam, I have certain views that will not be shaken, certain views like, oh say, All Muslims Aren't Terrorists, or Islam Is Not A Religion of Violence, or Muslims Are Just As Creative And Free To Think As Adherents From Any Other Religion.
What really angered me about this conversation was that the people involved were using evidence they gleaned from media, misconceptions, and a LITTLE bit of information that they THINK they know from the Qur'an, and using it to lambast the religion.
And HYEEERES the kicker! They were doing so to compare it to the Love and Compassion and Tolerance of Jesus Christ.
Christ Jesus, if you're listening to this, I wonder if YOU'RE proud. I wonder if YOU approve of this. If YOU approve of people who, in your name, put down a religion without knowing ANYTHING about it other than that a SELECT MINORITY group are terrorists and a SELECT MINORITY GROUP beat their wives.
Jesus, my Lord, I wonder if YOU, at least, remember the Crusades. And the Spanish Inquisition. And if you remember the ridiculously high divorce and abuse rates in primarily Anglo-Christian countries like the US, the UK, Canada and Australia.
I wonder if YOU really think it's so much worse to marry four women at the same time, IF you can treat them all equally and IF your intentions were pure. Whether or not they were, depends on the individual. But provided that they can justify it to themselves and their god, who the bloody hell is ANYONE to judge them?!
In short, Jesus.....I wonder how you, the religion you founded and the public FACE of that religion would turn out if people only practiced what they claimed to stand for. If, while extolling virtues of peace and compassion and tolerance, they actually LOVED. They actually TOLERATED. They actually bothered to LEARN about things before ridiculing or mocking them.
Abu Hamid bin Mohammad Al-Ghazali once said, "An ignorant Muslim is more dangerous than a non-believer".
Christian dumbasses, hillbillies, religious fanatics, uninformed morons and country bumpkins, take heed, for ALTHOUGH IT WAS WRITTEN BY ONE OF THEM TERRO-RISST MOOZLIMS, it has IMMENSE merit.
Idiots.
May it be said that I do not appreciate ignorance, which means that I dislike people who make arguments and try to talk through their asshats about things they have not studied, things they do not understand, and things they have not examined from both sides.
I especially hate when people use misconceptions as evidence, without first REALIZING that they are misconceptions. People who listen to gossip and the media and will not accept that there could be a different view point because "the media said so".
Even more than this, I despise people who stand on a moral high ground while doing this.
I will not mention names, but recently, I heard a conversation regarding Islam. Anyone who has spoken to me knows that, having studied both Christianity and Islam, I have certain views that will not be shaken, certain views like, oh say, All Muslims Aren't Terrorists, or Islam Is Not A Religion of Violence, or Muslims Are Just As Creative And Free To Think As Adherents From Any Other Religion.
What really angered me about this conversation was that the people involved were using evidence they gleaned from media, misconceptions, and a LITTLE bit of information that they THINK they know from the Qur'an, and using it to lambast the religion.
And HYEEERES the kicker! They were doing so to compare it to the Love and Compassion and Tolerance of Jesus Christ.
Christ Jesus, if you're listening to this, I wonder if YOU'RE proud. I wonder if YOU approve of this. If YOU approve of people who, in your name, put down a religion without knowing ANYTHING about it other than that a SELECT MINORITY group are terrorists and a SELECT MINORITY GROUP beat their wives.
Jesus, my Lord, I wonder if YOU, at least, remember the Crusades. And the Spanish Inquisition. And if you remember the ridiculously high divorce and abuse rates in primarily Anglo-Christian countries like the US, the UK, Canada and Australia.
I wonder if YOU really think it's so much worse to marry four women at the same time, IF you can treat them all equally and IF your intentions were pure. Whether or not they were, depends on the individual. But provided that they can justify it to themselves and their god, who the bloody hell is ANYONE to judge them?!
In short, Jesus.....I wonder how you, the religion you founded and the public FACE of that religion would turn out if people only practiced what they claimed to stand for. If, while extolling virtues of peace and compassion and tolerance, they actually LOVED. They actually TOLERATED. They actually bothered to LEARN about things before ridiculing or mocking them.
Abu Hamid bin Mohammad Al-Ghazali once said, "An ignorant Muslim is more dangerous than a non-believer".
Christian dumbasses, hillbillies, religious fanatics, uninformed morons and country bumpkins, take heed, for ALTHOUGH IT WAS WRITTEN BY ONE OF THEM TERRO-RISST MOOZLIMS, it has IMMENSE merit.
Idiots.
Thursday, November 01, 2007
Of Irony and Life's Twisted Sense of Humour
Life, being that she IS one giant meanfaced skank with a cruel, horrid sense of humour, dictates that:
1) The hot guy living down the street WILL choose the exact moment you're walking to the recycle bin on the front lawn in a Grandma bun, a RED nightie with GREEN flowers on it and blue fuzzy socks to (insert verb here that results in him SEEING you in said getup),
as opposed to
when, say, you're coming back from Church in a pretty, pretty kurta with lovely matching accessories and, with fro looking resplendent in it's perfect-waved glory.
2) The house is FULL of chocolate of all sorts, as per It's-MY-HSC-And-I'll-Binge-If-I-Want-To protocol,
but
when the tiny trick-or-treater with the enormous smile and big eyes comes to your door, you find you've got NOTHING that's in it's own little individually wrapped package, making you the horrible mean lady who killed a kid's spirit.
3) The chemistry paper WILL ask you four questions from the TWO dot points you haven't covered,
and
nothing on the other 50 you spent months hand writing and researching, not to mention the FOUR HOURS YOU SPENT on the goddamn table comparing photovoltaic cells to fuel cells, button cells and Vanadium redox cells.
4) You'll still get a higher mark for Chemistry, whose teacher screwed you over by not teaching you anything and showing up for class 10 minutes late every time (that is, if she didn't SKIP class to watch football, her daughter's many, many sporting events or House)
than Physics, for which
the teacher has covered every single syllabus point in meticulous detail, giving you stacks of notes and resources and pracs and problem sheets that make damn well CERTAIN you know the difference between an n-type and a p-type semiconductor. Not to mention exactly HOW these semiconductors combine with principles of photoelectricity to give you the SOLAR CELL, the DIODE and the PHOTOCELL, depending on which types of semiconductor are used.
5) The hot water, after faithfully spewing you with scalding water at RANDOM all through the boiling summer,
will
break down the second a) the winter solstice rears its ugly head, b) you have a nasty backache or c) a bad exam, after which all you want to do is take a hot shower. Extra points if it's all three.
Oh, Life! If only you weren't such a malefeasant, mortifying pile of malevolent meanness, I think we'd get along just fine, and here's why:
In the TRUE spirit of irony, DESPITE your (apparent) disdain for me, I still think you're pretty damn funny :D
1) The hot guy living down the street WILL choose the exact moment you're walking to the recycle bin on the front lawn in a Grandma bun, a RED nightie with GREEN flowers on it and blue fuzzy socks to (insert verb here that results in him SEEING you in said getup),
as opposed to
when, say, you're coming back from Church in a pretty, pretty kurta with lovely matching accessories and, with fro looking resplendent in it's perfect-waved glory.
2) The house is FULL of chocolate of all sorts, as per It's-MY-HSC-And-I'll-Binge-If-I-Want-To protocol,
but
when the tiny trick-or-treater with the enormous smile and big eyes comes to your door, you find you've got NOTHING that's in it's own little individually wrapped package, making you the horrible mean lady who killed a kid's spirit.
3) The chemistry paper WILL ask you four questions from the TWO dot points you haven't covered,
and
nothing on the other 50 you spent months hand writing and researching, not to mention the FOUR HOURS YOU SPENT on the goddamn table comparing photovoltaic cells to fuel cells, button cells and Vanadium redox cells.
4) You'll still get a higher mark for Chemistry, whose teacher screwed you over by not teaching you anything and showing up for class 10 minutes late every time (that is, if she didn't SKIP class to watch football, her daughter's many, many sporting events or House)
than Physics, for which
the teacher has covered every single syllabus point in meticulous detail, giving you stacks of notes and resources and pracs and problem sheets that make damn well CERTAIN you know the difference between an n-type and a p-type semiconductor. Not to mention exactly HOW these semiconductors combine with principles of photoelectricity to give you the SOLAR CELL, the DIODE and the PHOTOCELL, depending on which types of semiconductor are used.
5) The hot water, after faithfully spewing you with scalding water at RANDOM all through the boiling summer,
will
break down the second a) the winter solstice rears its ugly head, b) you have a nasty backache or c) a bad exam, after which all you want to do is take a hot shower. Extra points if it's all three.
Oh, Life! If only you weren't such a malefeasant, mortifying pile of malevolent meanness, I think we'd get along just fine, and here's why:
In the TRUE spirit of irony, DESPITE your (apparent) disdain for me, I still think you're pretty damn funny :D