Wednesday, April 30, 2008
It May Break My Heart, But I'm Going To Be Me.
And this, love, for your benefit, is who I am.
- I think about my future a lot. I know I'm going to be married before I'm 26 and that I want four kids.
- I don't wear dresses and t-shirts because I've never felt confident enough about my figure to do so, not because I'm that moralistic.
- I make up acronyms on the spot to make people feel foolish WTDU them. (Ummm when they like don't understand, stupid.)
- I love talking to people more than anything in the world, and if it comes off as needy, well then I guess I AM needy.
- I'm actually not, not at all. I can survive on my own for enormously long periods of time, just retreating into myself and contemplating.
- I'm terrified of the following things, in order of potency: 1) Getting fat. 2) Ending up alone. 3) People not liking me. 4) Not being good enough.
- I am extremely attached to both old people and children, and seeing either of them in hardship can bother me for days.
- I love to dance, and I am a passionate dirty dancer. I think it's my inner skank trying to break free of the kurtas.
- I'm still too innocent to mean anything slutty or suggestive by it though.
- I have extremely high standards but I don't feel confident enough for them.
- It doesn't take me long to fall totally in like because I'm ALWAYS on the lookout for The One.
- Paradoxically, I don't BELIEVE in The One: I believe in The One you eventually feel OK settling for.
- I will quite happily eat things off the floor, if there's no obvious dirt on them. If there is, I will just as happily brush it off and maybe rinse it, and I'm good to go.
- My arms are my weakest area, so if you see me in a t-shirt or even more daringly, a sleeveless top, please come up to me and give me a hug: odds are, I need it.
- I come off as desperately try hard and unfunny for the first couple of months, because I'm trying very hard to not hurt you: the brand of humour I reserve for my friends is quick, sharp, cutting and always hilarious. People who never get to know me will ALWAYS know me as unfunny and try hard.
- I once loved my religion. I started disliking it because of its practitioners.
- I was once convinced I'd love said religion again. I'm now not so sure.
- If you tell me your name, I will remember it.
- I think the letters J, A, X and Z are unbelievably sexy.
- I think you'd look stupid bald, but I'm TERRIFIED of saying it because it's for a good cause. But I am a selfish ho.
- I am extremely passive aggressive: if I don't like you, you WON'T KNOW: I'll be subtly mean but then openly nice, and you won't know what to believe.
- I have much more pride than I know what to do with.
- My childlike wonder is beginning to expire and it makes me so very unhappy.
- And here's the weirdest thing: even though I am THE vaguest and THE least "sure" and the most suspicious and the least heart-trusting person in the world....................
.........................I'm somehow certain I'll end up with you in some capacity. Heads up, dumbass! :)
- (I'm abrasive and aggressive when I'm smitten: it's me trying to maintain my acerbic hilarity in the face of infatuation, she that makes a babbling idiot out of the best of us).
- I think about my future a lot. I know I'm going to be married before I'm 26 and that I want four kids.
- I don't wear dresses and t-shirts because I've never felt confident enough about my figure to do so, not because I'm that moralistic.
- I make up acronyms on the spot to make people feel foolish WTDU them. (Ummm when they like don't understand, stupid.)
- I love talking to people more than anything in the world, and if it comes off as needy, well then I guess I AM needy.
- I'm actually not, not at all. I can survive on my own for enormously long periods of time, just retreating into myself and contemplating.
- I'm terrified of the following things, in order of potency: 1) Getting fat. 2) Ending up alone. 3) People not liking me. 4) Not being good enough.
- I am extremely attached to both old people and children, and seeing either of them in hardship can bother me for days.
- I love to dance, and I am a passionate dirty dancer. I think it's my inner skank trying to break free of the kurtas.
- I'm still too innocent to mean anything slutty or suggestive by it though.
- I have extremely high standards but I don't feel confident enough for them.
- It doesn't take me long to fall totally in like because I'm ALWAYS on the lookout for The One.
- Paradoxically, I don't BELIEVE in The One: I believe in The One you eventually feel OK settling for.
- I will quite happily eat things off the floor, if there's no obvious dirt on them. If there is, I will just as happily brush it off and maybe rinse it, and I'm good to go.
- My arms are my weakest area, so if you see me in a t-shirt or even more daringly, a sleeveless top, please come up to me and give me a hug: odds are, I need it.
- I come off as desperately try hard and unfunny for the first couple of months, because I'm trying very hard to not hurt you: the brand of humour I reserve for my friends is quick, sharp, cutting and always hilarious. People who never get to know me will ALWAYS know me as unfunny and try hard.
- I once loved my religion. I started disliking it because of its practitioners.
- I was once convinced I'd love said religion again. I'm now not so sure.
- If you tell me your name, I will remember it.
- I think the letters J, A, X and Z are unbelievably sexy.
- I think you'd look stupid bald, but I'm TERRIFIED of saying it because it's for a good cause. But I am a selfish ho.
- I am extremely passive aggressive: if I don't like you, you WON'T KNOW: I'll be subtly mean but then openly nice, and you won't know what to believe.
- I have much more pride than I know what to do with.
- My childlike wonder is beginning to expire and it makes me so very unhappy.
- And here's the weirdest thing: even though I am THE vaguest and THE least "sure" and the most suspicious and the least heart-trusting person in the world....................
.........................I'm somehow certain I'll end up with you in some capacity. Heads up, dumbass! :)
- (I'm abrasive and aggressive when I'm smitten: it's me trying to maintain my acerbic hilarity in the face of infatuation, she that makes a babbling idiot out of the best of us).
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Why Confuse A Matmat?!
Subtle hints do not work.
Strong hints do not work.
Ya know what, just hints in general, do not work.
Flirting does not work.
Cat and mouse games do not work.
Body language does not work.
Eye contact does not work.
Playing the game does not work.
"The Chase" does not work.
Mixed signals do not work.
You know what DOES work?
JUST SAYING IT.
.....................
GOD, MEN ARE STUPID.
Strong hints do not work.
Ya know what, just hints in general, do not work.
Flirting does not work.
Cat and mouse games do not work.
Body language does not work.
Eye contact does not work.
Playing the game does not work.
"The Chase" does not work.
Mixed signals do not work.
You know what DOES work?
JUST SAYING IT.
.....................
GOD, MEN ARE STUPID.
Friday, April 18, 2008
So In The Last Month, I've Realized That
- The world's biggest prude will look hot in something short and fitting, and sometimes you NEED to try on something skanky just to prove you can.
- Pride is far tougher, braver and more intelligent than the foolish heart...BUT, like every fat kid needs a chance to play the fairy princess, give the moron a chance; she may prove herself yet.
- Genuine bitchiness is so much more refreshing than false sweetness.
- You can't protect yourself all the time.
- You can't force people to do things they don't want to do without losing them as friends.
- Some friends aren't MEANT to stay in your life forever.
- My self esteem is DISGUSTINGLY low. It's not even funny. I hadn't realized how bad I'd let it become...but I'm working on it.
- I'll keep adding to this as I go along.....
- Pride is far tougher, braver and more intelligent than the foolish heart...BUT, like every fat kid needs a chance to play the fairy princess, give the moron a chance; she may prove herself yet.
- Genuine bitchiness is so much more refreshing than false sweetness.
- You can't protect yourself all the time.
- You can't force people to do things they don't want to do without losing them as friends.
- Some friends aren't MEANT to stay in your life forever.
- My self esteem is DISGUSTINGLY low. It's not even funny. I hadn't realized how bad I'd let it become...but I'm working on it.
- I'll keep adding to this as I go along.....
Saturday, April 12, 2008
But The View Was So Pretty.
So yesterday, I went on a cruise along Sydney harbour.
I know how naive and stupid I'm going to come off sounding, but I don't think I will ever get used to or feel totally comfortable in large groups of drunk people.
You know what, guys?
One thing that thrills me beyond all reasonable measure is when someone from my past tells me I haven't changed at all.
I may look a little different, now that I've lost weight and know how to use a straightener and have started *groans* wearing sneakers (they are disgustingly comfy)...but I'd like to think I'm still fundamentally the same person.
Yeah, I wonder about that now.
Is it really such a good thing that my morals, values, ideals and principles have barely changed since I was 14?
Is it really so admirable that my views of sex, drugs, alcohol and promiscuity are based on a child's point of reference?
Is it really so damn great that I can't actually EXPLAIN any more why I find such things abhorrent?
Sigh.
I don't know if I'm crazy or if everyone else is....because when I look at gatherings like this, being a PART of them but apart from them, I feel so freaking awkward. You ask me why I'm not drinking?! Look around you!
It is now a month and a week until I turn 18.
The age where I can no longer hide from my own childishness: the age where I'll finally be allowed to drink as much as I want and not have the law to protect me from my own fear of the world around me. I'll only have myself and my own ideals, and they need to be stronger than a weak, "But but but I just don't want to."
All I've got now, though, is a mixture of pity and revulsion and distrust when I look at people who are drunk and making idiots of themselves, and a strong conviction to not do that to myself.
I will tell you this, though...Sydney Harbour by night?
Beautiful. Just beautiful.
And I'll bet you whatever you want, my friends, that it's only that beautiful in focus.
Author's Note: No, I don't think drinking in itself is wrong. I think being drunk and disorderly is. I see no problem in drinking around a bunch of your friends, who already know you well enough to not judge you, and who know your and their own limits. I think there's a smart way to do it.
Drinking excessively around a huge group of potentially opportunistic strangers? Yeaah, not so much.
I know how naive and stupid I'm going to come off sounding, but I don't think I will ever get used to or feel totally comfortable in large groups of drunk people.
You know what, guys?
One thing that thrills me beyond all reasonable measure is when someone from my past tells me I haven't changed at all.
I may look a little different, now that I've lost weight and know how to use a straightener and have started *groans* wearing sneakers (they are disgustingly comfy)...but I'd like to think I'm still fundamentally the same person.
Yeah, I wonder about that now.
Is it really such a good thing that my morals, values, ideals and principles have barely changed since I was 14?
Is it really so admirable that my views of sex, drugs, alcohol and promiscuity are based on a child's point of reference?
Is it really so damn great that I can't actually EXPLAIN any more why I find such things abhorrent?
Sigh.
I don't know if I'm crazy or if everyone else is....because when I look at gatherings like this, being a PART of them but apart from them, I feel so freaking awkward. You ask me why I'm not drinking?! Look around you!
It is now a month and a week until I turn 18.
The age where I can no longer hide from my own childishness: the age where I'll finally be allowed to drink as much as I want and not have the law to protect me from my own fear of the world around me. I'll only have myself and my own ideals, and they need to be stronger than a weak, "But but but I just don't want to."
All I've got now, though, is a mixture of pity and revulsion and distrust when I look at people who are drunk and making idiots of themselves, and a strong conviction to not do that to myself.
I will tell you this, though...Sydney Harbour by night?
Beautiful. Just beautiful.
And I'll bet you whatever you want, my friends, that it's only that beautiful in focus.
Author's Note: No, I don't think drinking in itself is wrong. I think being drunk and disorderly is. I see no problem in drinking around a bunch of your friends, who already know you well enough to not judge you, and who know your and their own limits. I think there's a smart way to do it.
Drinking excessively around a huge group of potentially opportunistic strangers? Yeaah, not so much.